We aren't taught how to communicate when we're growing up. This lack of understanding tends to show up later in life when it is really important, like with our partners. Communication is vital to developing a secure attachment and enhancing intimacy. 

Intimacy is built on trust, feeling understood, and mutual vulnerability. Intimacy happens easier for some people than for others. You, too, can learn how to communicate healthily and effectively. You'll feel your relationship strengthen and grow almost instantly. 

All it takes is a willingness to be vulnerable and speak your truths. 

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10 communication tips

You may already use many of these when you're talking with your partner. Or they may be new to you. If they are, try slowly introducing them so as not to shake things up too much immediately. 

Remember, you have two ears and one mouth, use them proportionately. Listen more than you speak. And actively listen. 

#1: Set the scene

As human beings, ritual is important to us. Setting aside a weekly or monthly time to regularly discuss your relationship can be helpful.

Choose a neutral space if at all possible. Avoid having these conversations in bed at all costs. The bedroom is meant to be a positive environment, so treat it that way by keeping it sacred. 

If you have to speak in your bedroom, sit in a manner that isn't normal for you both. 

You could sit on the floor or on the wrong side of the bed. Whatever feels like it removes the conversation from your sex life. This could help remove a lot of anxiety from the talk. 

#2: Use an object to take turns

If you're prone to arguments or speaking over each other, choose an object to take turns with. 

Whoever is handling it is the speaker, the person who isn't holding it has to wait their turn. 

Taking turns with the object will help make a space conducive to speaking openly and knowing they'll hear you. Interruptions can cause conflict. You're trying to avoid conflict. 

#3: Set a timer

Having deep or difficult conversations can cause anxiety.

If that's true for you or your partner, agree on a length of time to speak about it.

It may be 10, 20, or 30 minutes but set a timer and stick to it. 

That way, you can practically address the problem, and you don't beat the same topics over the head. 

#4: Practice excellent listening

By showing your partner that you're actively engaged with what they're saying, you can encourage them to open up more. Demonstrating active listening, in turn, will make them more likely to speak from the heart. 

Actively pay attention. Put your phone on silent in the next room. 

Please focus on the words coming out of their mouth rather than what you want to say next. 

Please pay attention to their body language and mirror it back to them. 

Show them you're listening by nodding, keeping your posture open and interested. 

Encourage them to continue speaking with small verbal confirmations such as "yes, and?" 

#5: Engage with what they're saying

Before it's your turn to speak, reflect what they're telling you by paraphrasing their words back to them. Make sure you're fully clear on what they're trying to say.

• "What I'm hearing is that you are upset about the household tasks. You feel like there is an imbalance. Is that correct?"

• "What do you mean when you say that you want me to initiate intimacy more? What would that look like to you?"

• "What it sounds like you're saying is that you want to prioritize our intimacy earlier in the day. You don't like having sex right before bed. Did I get that correct?"

#6: Take your time to respond

Too often, we think we need to respond to someone's thoughts and feelings instantly.

This desire for immediacy forces us to not think thoughtfully about our response. 

When your partner has finished what they would like to say, ask for a moment to consider your response. 

Or, if you're corresponding over messages, write short sentences and take your time with your word choice.

Avoid using all CAPS AS THIS CAN CAUSE PEOPLE TO THINK YOU'RE ANGRY AND PANIC. 

#7: You're on the same team

Never forget that it is you two versus the problem.

Not you fighting each other.

If you lose sight of that, you may quickly devolve into an argument. 

You need to find ways to work together to fix an issue. 

Blame is never important. 

Creating a plan and taking action is. 

#8: Compromise is the name of the game

Relationships are all about compromise.

Both people need to be represented and feel like their needs are being taken care of seriously. 

If you're unwilling to compromise on a point that you hold deeply, then speak your truth and tell your partner your feelings.

Suggest another time to discuss once you've thought about it thoroughly.

Or ask your partner for their ideas, then take time to consider them.

#9: If you're angry or upset, waiting may be best

Arguments and conflict usually arise when our emotions are stirred up.

We stop thinking clearly and take our anger out on our partners. 

Tell them you want to speak later or another day entirely if you're feeling upset or triggered.

Deep conversations and change happen when your head is clear.

If you're clouded by anger or sadness, you'll likely say (or yell) something that you'll regret later.

Take the time and tell them how much time you need.

Be specific.

If you need an hour, a day, or a week, ask for it.

But don't leave them hanging. 

#10: Use "I" statements and feelings

How we speak with our intimate partners can make a massive difference. Be careful when choosing your words and focus on how things make you feel rather than blame them. Using "you" statements focuses on the negative and often is subjective. Focus on the impact things have on you, stick to the facts, and offer ideas on addressing the issue. 

• "I feel hurt that you're spending your free time doing work rather than with me. I would like to feel like more of a priority." 

• "I feel overwhelmed by the housework. I would like to create a chore chart of some kind. How do you feel about that?"

• "I feel like I'm usually the initiator of sex. It makes me feel rejected and unwanted when you don't initiate. What can I do to help you be willing to initiate more?"

Why relationship coaching can save your relationship

Learning what has caused the lack of connection in your relationship may take time and guidance. Sometimes when you're in the thick of it, it can be a struggle to see the trees from the forest. 

Get to the root cause and fix the lack of communication in your relationship. It will be worth the time and energy. 

If you don't know how to communicate with your partner, ask me for help today. Working with a sex and relationship coach can make your journey to harmony much easier on you both. 

You're two people versus the problem. It isn't a battle of wills. It is a willingness to listen and make a change together. 

Ask for what you need and invite vulnerability into the conversation.

“Communication is the life line of any relationship. Without it, the relationship will starve itself to death.”

—Elizabeth Bourgeret

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