Humans are emotional beings. You are no exception. You're bound to suffer through sadness, stress, and anger. These help lead you to beautiful feelings such as happiness, love, and gratitude. Did you know that you are not at the mercy of your emotions? You can learn how to control your thoughts and feelings easily with a bit of guidance and practice.

When it comes to being an inherently positive or negative person, you have a choice. 

Remember that you control which thoughts you choose to believe. Your thoughts control the emotions that you feel. Your emotions control which actions you take. Your actions will drive your results, and in turn, your results will cause your feelings. 

For many, it sounds like a simple shift. To others, this feels like an impossible task. Learning how to control your thoughts and feelings is a process that gets easier with every micro decision you make.

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Why is managing emotions important?

Close your eyes and think back to the last time you were at a restaurant or cafe and a child had a tantrum.

You watched them as they screamed and cried, and their poor caregivers tried to calm them down.

What do you think sets that child off? 

99.999% of the time, that child is having a breakdown over nothing.

Not your definition of nothing, a nearly universal definition of nothing. 

Children scream because they weren't allowed to lick a public handrail or when they're forbidden from eating dog food.

You were once a toddler throwing tantrums. Over time and practice, you've learned how to stop those tantrums. Well, hopefully, at least most of them.

You develop a sense of control and awareness over your emotions throughout your life. Your self-regulation is one of the significant factors in being a functional adult. 

Just like a toddler has to learn to control their emotions, you do as well.

If you let your emotions control your decisions, you'll end up making unwise choices that aren't what you want.

Some examples of when our emotions tend to control our choices: 

• You’ve had a few drinks at the bar. You decide to text your ex and tell them you miss them. 

  • In control or out of control?

• You're upset at a driver for cutting you off. You scream out the window and flip them off. 

  • In control or out of control?

• You're having an awful day at work, and you've lost a big client. Your boss comes up and asks you how you are. You respond honestly, telling them you hate your job and feel like it's pointless.

  • In control or out of control?

These are situations we can all relate to. That's because our emotions are valid and powerful, and they demand attention. 

It's different from ignoring or repressing emotions, and it's about genuine awareness and decision-making. It will just take time and practice, just like the toddler. 

Is it healthy to control your emotions?

Having emotional control and repressing your emotions are two very different things. 

If you repress emotions, you know they're there. You tell them that they don't deserve time or attention. You're refusing to make room for something your brain knows is essential. It's like pulling the rubber band back on a slingshot. You just keep pulling it tighter and tighter.

As adapted from the Life Coach School, you start to investigate the thoughts behind your emotions in this model.

You become genuinely curious about the origin of each emotion. You try to figure out what they're trying to tell you. Then, make space for them when it's helpful and necessary.

When you start to be an active participant in your thinking process, your world will change. You'll begin to actively think more positive thoughts, which will, in turn, generate positive and helpful results. 

What happens when your emotions control you?

When your emotions control you, you make rash decisions. Imagine your feelings as people, much like in the Pixar film Inside Out. 

Imagine you're a passenger in the seat of these emotions on the road.

What would it be like if you let anger drive?

You'd likely get in arguments, speed, and have a high likelihood of some serious consequences.

What about fear?

If you let fear drive the car, you'd likely never leave the driveway! You'd have to take only well-lit suburban streets with little to no traffic. Overall, you'd be very unlikely to reach your destination on time, or at all. 

If sadness was driving?

You'd likely pull off the road to grab some ice cream and fried chicken. Then, you'd pull into a parking lot to cry because navigating is hard. 

Now, imagine if happiness is driving the car. 

You'd likely go the speed limit, let other drivers into your lane, and pause with patience at the stoplight. 

Which car would you get into?

Who would be driving on your road trip?

Just like you get to choose whose car you will and will not get in, you get to choose which emotions you feel. 

Stay safe and get where you're trying to go by actively choosing your emotions. 

Can I learn how to control my emotions?

You can start controlling your emotions right now.

To be honest, you're not going to be very successful if you start right now. You'll likely make many simple mistakes that most do at the start of this journey. But we can learn from those errors and keep practicing!

Think back to when you were learning to walk.

The first hundred or so times probably didn't go well, right?

You'd fall, you'd cry, others would be worried about you, but you'd keep trying to walk.

No one told you that you couldn't walk, that you didn't deserve to walk, or that your dreams of walking were out of reach. 

You knew you'd get there, and you kept trying.

The same thing needs to happen when learning how to control your emotions. You have to try and try again every minute of every day. 

To learn how to control your emotions, you first have to know what it is that you're trying to control. Then, define it, and be able to identify it in your mind and body. 

Thoughts

Thoughts are sentences in your head. 

On average, you have at least 60,000 thoughts in a day. 

That's a lot of thinking!

But, you don't give most of those thoughts time or attention. They come in and slip out of your mind like a piece of butter on hot toast. 

You subconsciously dismiss many of these, but you hold onto others for whatever reason.

Typically, it's easier to hold onto negative thoughts because our brain is used to being negative. 

Your brain doesn't like to do hard things. When it's easier to think negative thoughts, it always defaults to that.

Challenge your brain and burn some mental calories by being active in your thought process. Practice choosing helpful and positive thoughts every day. 

Here are some examples of negative, neutral, and positive thoughts.
You'll learn what to do with these later.

• Negative pattern: 

  • I'm fat, ugly, and single. No one will ever love me. 

• Neutral pattern: 

  • I have a body, a face, and I am alive. 

• Positive pattern: 

  • I have a healthy body that I love and am grateful for.

Now, choosing the positive thought pattern may feel dishonest and even impossible for many people. That's because you've repeated that negative thought pattern for so long that your brain defaults to it. 

You can stop that with time, practice, and some self-compassion. 

Feelings

Your feelings are generated by the thoughts you choose to think.

By choosing negative thought patterns, you will get comfortable, negative feelings that inhibit your personal growth. 

By choosing neutral thought patterns, you can remove the negative emotion. Doing this gives you space to navigate your relationship with positive feelings.

You're likely to spur on positive actions with positive feelings because you're treating yourself with love and kindness.

Think about training a dog. 

Do you want to reward them for doing something good or punish them for doing something bad? 

For a well-adjusted and loving dog, you want to reward them for doing something good.

Treat your brain like a dog and give it a reward rather than a punishment for a change. 

• Negative pattern: 

  • Thought:

    • I'm fat, ugly, and single, and no one will ever love me. 

  • Feelings:

    • Negativity, impossible to feel better, isolation, sadness, and depression

• Neutral pattern:

  • Thought: 

    • I have a body, a face, and I am alive. 

  • Feelings: 

    • Ambivalence, gratitude towards existence, a moment of mindfulness

• Positive pattern:

  • Thought:

    • I have a healthy body that I love and am grateful for.

  • Feelings:

    • Gratitude, love, appreciation, celebration, and confidence.

See how easy it can be to pay attention to a positive thought rather than a negative one? 

For some people, this will be a real challenge, which is why you can start easy. To do this, shift from a negative thought to a neutral one. 

Neutral thoughts are easier to believe than positive ones, especially for people with mental health disorders.

So, be compassionate and don't take things too hard on yourself.

You've chosen negative thoughts and feelings your entire life. So, it will take a while to get used to being conscious and choosing positive thoughts. 

Put one foot in front of the other.

Actions/reactions

Action is a bit of a misnomer; it can be choices you make, steps you take, but also the ones you choose NOT to take.

Your feelings will either push you into making change, taking steps, or staying in bed and living in fear.

Your actions will ultimately define the results you get. Your results, in turn, create either helpful thought patterns or unhelpful thought patterns.

You can sometimes act out of negativity, which often produces not-so-desirable results.

Acting out of positivity and confidence will help you create the changes you want in your day-to-day life. 

• Negative pattern: 

  • Thought:

    • I'm fat, ugly, and single. No one will ever love me. 

  • Feelings:

    • Negativity, impossible to feel better, isolation, sadness, and depression

  • Actions:

    • Staying in bed, eating ice cream, and watching Bridget Jones' Diary 

• Neutral pattern:

  • Thought: 

    • I have a body, a face, and I am alive. 

  • Feelings: 

    • Ambivalence, gratitude towards existence, a moment of mindfulness

  • Actions:

    • Maintaining your body and choosing fuel over emotional eating.

• Positive pattern:

  • Thought:

    • I have a healthy body that I love and am grateful for.

  • Feelings:

    • Gratitude, love, appreciation, celebration, and confidence.

  • Actions:

    • Treating your body with love and appreciation by feeding it fuel and moving in pleasurable and soothing ways

Results

People are always promising unbelievable results. 

Buy this online course, and you'll find your soulmate in six weeks!

Your love life will completely transform when you follow my three-step series!

This mop will make your husband love you again!

These all promise insane change. What they all have in common is that you have the ultimate power to make the decision that brings the result. 

Your actions create your results, as do your inactions.

By being active and making consistent small changes, you'll start to see the results you want. 

The main issue here is patience.

This is a society of instant gratification, and very few are willing to work to get the desired results.

You spend thousands of dollars on shortcut options that are supposed to make things easier.  In reality, they just make things more challenging in the long run.

Think of it a bit like when you clean a house.

It is easier to literally sweep dirt under the rug than it is to clean it up and put it in the bin.

But, over time, those piles of dirt under the rug are going to make walking pretty uncomfortable. And eventually, someone else will come along and lift the rug and have a lot of questions for you.

So, instead of hiding from the things that take effort and time, just start making minor changes to get the results you want. 

• Negative pattern: 

  • Thought:

    • I'm fat, ugly, and single. No one will ever love me. 

  • Feelings:

    • Negativity, impossible to feel better, isolation, sadness, and depression

  • Actions:

    • Staying in bed, eating ice cream, and watching Bridget Jones' Diary 

  • Results:

    • You gain more weight and further isolate yourself. 

• Neutral pattern:

  • Thought: 

    • I have a body, a face, and I am alive. 

  • Feelings: 

    • Ambivalence, gratitude towards existence, a moment of mindfulness

  • Actions:

    • Maintaining your body and choosing fuel over emotional eating

  • Results: 

    • You continue to live your life the way you have been and are slightly more aware of your actions.

• Positive pattern:

  • Thought:

    • I have a healthy body that I love and am grateful for.

  • Feelings:

    • Gratitude, love, appreciation, celebration, and confidence.

  • Actions:

    • Treating your body with love by feeding it fuel and inviting it to move in pleasurable and soothing ways

  • Results:

    • You eat mindfully and choose foods that ultimately lead to weight loss. Weight loss makes exercising easier, and you start to inch closer to your goal weight. 

Can you guess what the next thought the person in the example might think? What their previous actions will help them choose to believe in the future?

You'll only really start to believe positive and helpful thoughts if you begin creating the results. So, to get the results, you first have to start with the thoughts. 

Don't repress, choose to express

Do NOT ignore or suppress your negative emotions. You can't help but feel certain emotions and some that demand your attention. 

Emotional expression is not only healthy but valuable as well.

If you don't make space for those overwhelming negative emotions, how will you understand what needs to change?

Make space for your emotions by inviting yourself to feel them when you need to. Then, be genuinely curious about where they're coming from.

Do factual or imagined circumstances bring them on?

Are they created by something that you have any control over or something you don't have control over? 
Curiosity about your emotions allows you to express yourself and find real solutions. 

Invite your emotions in. You'll be surprised at how different they feel when you choose to feel them. 

Controlling your thoughts and emotions

Remember that your brain is lazy. Its goal in life is to expend as little energy as possible.

You're taught from a young age by your caregivers and the media that you're never good enough. You need to improve constantly. It's easy for your brain to choose that belief and stick with it. 

It doesn't want to be active or help you make a change. It wants you to be comfortable and lazy. 

That is the peak of human evolution, after all, to conserve energy and take in calories. Doing this tells our brain that we're not surviving, and we're thriving. 

So, choose a different goal than your cave-dwelling ancestors and be active in the life you want to lead.

Be active in the emotions you want to feel. Start doing that by making positive steps towards changing your micro-decisions in your day-to-day life. 

Coaching and emotional choices

People react out of negative emotions, especially in relationships. This is a topic that comes up often in sex and relationship coaching.

Of course, you should feel safe with your partner and share your emotions. But, are you choosing to show those emotions, or are they controlling you?
Treat your partner like you want to be treated. Consider whether your emotions will be helpful in the present moment. 
If you or your partner need help to learn how to control your thoughts and feelings, you're not alone.

Put yourself in the driver's seat of your life rather than letting one of your emotions drive you.
Stay safe, and make changes, so you can get the results you want.

Find out more about coaching by getting in touch with me today. 

“Are you creating your thoughts? Or are your thoughts creating you?”

— Brooke Castillo, It Was Always Meant to Happen that Way

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