Situationships are a hugely controversial topic in the world of dating coaching. It may feel easy to settle for what feels like the only person who will give you the attention you crave. But by settling for someone who refuses to acknowledge your presence in their life, you're doing yourself a huge disservice. Situationships are a plague to those looking for love. They can cover you like a wave of locusts and pick your love optimism to the bones. Don't fall for the situationship cycle. Start changing your experience now.

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How do I know if I'm in a situationship?

A situationship is essentially bang-buddies who do things together.

You'll likely still go on dates, text frequently (but not with any regularity) and do all the things that a couple "usually" does.

But you'll never get a title or clear understanding of your relationship.

By staying in the world of title ambiguity, you'll likely fall into the trap of serial monogamy.

One of you will be monogamous and hopeful that the situationship will transition into the world of titles. But you'll never quite get to where you want to be.

Why?

Because the grass is always greener on the other side for the other person, you're with. They know they have you but want to keep looking for another woman.

Why are situationships a thing?

The world of dating, courtship, and connection has dramatically changed because of the internet.

In the past, we only had those people in our immediate area to consider when we dove into the dating pool. Limited by geography, we were able to navigate the path toward love simply.

Now smartphones have opened up literally 7 billion options for those on the hunt. It's easy to fall into the trap of "the grass is always greener" and avoid settling down.

While refusing to settle for anyone less than ideal isn't necessarily bad, it can be a trap.

Think of it like you need a new car.

There are countless options for you to consider, so you get what's called analysis paralysis.

The same thing happens with dating. You get too many dates and have too many options, so your brain shuts down. You're overwhelmed with options, so you refuse to choose.

That happens when you keep looking for the "perfect person."

You'll never get a car and be forced to Uber and take the train from place to place. Without a car, you lack autonomy.

Like in dating, when you cannot stick with one person, you'll keep over analyzing everything. 

So rather than get to choose from all the premium partners, you get left with what's left over. Now, personally, I love leftovers. But I prefer to avoid feeling like I'm being forced to settle for scraps when I could have a fresh meal.

How do I avoid situationships?

Again, let's stick with the metaphor of buying a car.

If you were buying a car, you'd likely have a set of criteria to help narrow down your selection process. 

Instead of used versus new, you'd want to think of it:

Am I open to dating someone divorced or "damaged" from a previous relationship?

Or am I looking for someone who doesn't carry that kind of baggage?

Instead of features like air conditioning you'd be looking for someone with the same open-minded perspective.

The best way to stop getting into situationships is to know what you're looking for and also, to know your worth.

Part of dating now is testing the water to see if you'd make a good couple. So you act like a couple for a few weeks or months. That's standard these days. I generally don't recommend rushing into the "let's define this" stage too early.

If you've decided you want to be in a relationship with this person, you have to be confident and communicate that.

If your partner shoots that down and says they're not interested now or in the future, you have to listen.

Your potential partner has deemed that your connection doesn't quite meet their mark. 

That's okay!

But you do need to leave.

By settling for the gray area between relationship and casual sex, you accept that this isn't going anywhere. They're also still looking for someone "worthy" of that title.

You're not the problem.

There are so few people for each of us out there that it only makes sense to cut them loose.

If you're looking to find "the" relationship, stop settling for less. Because then, you take yourself off the market, put on your dating blinders, and fall into a situationship rut. Because of this, you may miss the opportunity of a lifetime.

Are you in a situationship?

So traditionally, dating should go something like this:

• You meet someone and form an initial interest in that person.

• You go on a few dates and decide if they meet your potential life partner criteria.

• If they meet some of those criteria, you keep dating to ensure that you're truly compatible and could make a strong pairing. Basically, is this person someone you could see spending the rest of your life with?

• If you decide yes, you move forward and define the relationship. Assuming both people agree and are interested in seeing where things go.

• If not, you leave. Simple as that. 

Like you, I stayed in that gray area far too long on many occasions.

I settled for lack of definition because I thought it would come with time.

If I kept acting like the perfect girlfriend and did everything a partner or wife would do, they'd see it and change their mind. I would lead them away from sleeping around and dating other women. I was fooling myself. Ultimately, you can't convince someone to be your life partner if they've decided you're not that person.

You can't change how someone looks at you with sheer force and willpower. Also, you shouldn't have to.

The right person will see the remarkable aspects of who you are and fall in love with it.

You're not doing anything wrong.

You're just settling for the wrong person.

It happens, and don't beat yourself up over it. You have to leave and move the fuck on. 

How to avoid situationships

The best way to avoid situationships is to be secure in your identity and know who you're looking for.

By getting clear on your authentic identity, you'll be sure about your values and goals in life. This clarity will make developing a criteria list for potential partners much more straightforward.

You'll know whether you care about marriage, having children, and the potential career paths you may take. You'll know whether religious faith is welcomed into your life and other such things like that.

You'll wash off the mental and emotional damage caused by societal expectations. You'll finally come clean with yourself. Then and only then will you have space for the love of your life to walk in. 

That's why I offer my 5-stage dating coaching experience.

You'll get clarity on who you are, your style and fascination factor, and who you're actually looking for. I teach this in an intensive, personalized, and step-by-step process. So you can stop wasting your time with situationships.

You'll get on the track to meeting "the" person, and you'll be able to recognize them when they do walk in. Stop wasting your time waiting for situationships to turn into relationships. And finally, you'll start connecting with people who actually deserve you and your attention.

“Stop waiting for situationships to turn into relationships. If you want more, ask for it and if you don’t get it, move the fuck on.”

— Elaine S. Turner

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