Have you ever been called "clingy"? Or "emotionally absent"? You behave these ways because your attachment style in relationships molds how you act. There are four different attachment styles, three of which are insecure, one is secure. The good news is that you can change your attachment style.

Attachment styles are how you relate to and bond with other people. Your attachment style is initially formed in early childhood and can change over time. There are four types of attachment: 

1) secure attachment

2) anxious-insecure attachment

3) avoidant-insecure attachment

4) disorganized-insecure attachment. 

Our attachment styles inform every decision we make and everything we do within an intimate relationship. They can even impact our relationships with friends and family as well. They define how you relate to others.  Your ability to be vulnerable, and your willingness to build trusting relationships. 

If we have an insecure attachment style, our intimate ties will often suffer as a result. With time and effort, you can develop your attachment style from insecure to secure. 

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What are attachment styles?

How you relate and develop bonds with other people are your attachment style. 

Attachment style theory was developed by psychologist Mary Ainsworth and psychiatrist John Bowlby in the 1950s. Attachment styles have become an essential assessment tool across mental health disciplines. 

Attachment styles are initially developed in early childhood. They are based on how you bond and are treated by your primary caregivers.

It can start as early as during gestation. It informs how you find, maintain, and end your relationships. 

If your parents treated you with love, kindness, and concern, you likely developed a secure attachment style.

Suppose you grew up in insecure circumstances. Your parents or caregivers disregarded your feelings or bullied you. In that case, you might have developed an insecure attachment style. 

There are four main types of attachment:

• Secure attachment

• Anxious-insecure attachment

• Avoidant-insecure attachment

• Disorganized-insecure attachment

Secure attachment style

Secure attachment is the ideal attachment style and what you should strive to develop.

Secure attachment is developed when primary caregivers are available, responsive, and accepting.

Children are striving to develop independence at all times. 

When you were a child and left your caregiver's presence, were they still there when you returned? If they were, you likely developed a sense of comfort and security knowing that they'll always be there. 

This security helped you develop a healthy sense of independence and self-esteem. 

If you have a secure attachment style, you'll feel confident in your intimate ties. You'll quickly develop trusting feelings and connections with others. You'll feel open to expressing loving emotions and reach out for support when it's needed. 

Anxious-insecure attachment style

A deep fear of abandonment will plague those with an anxious-insecure attachment style. 

The fear of abandonment is likely because your primary caregiver didn't respond to your needs.

They were inconsistent about the way they treated you.

As a child, you learned that those you should rely on weren't always there.

Since you couldn't depend on your caregiver to be there for you.

When you felt insecure or threatened, you wouldn't readily leave their presence to explore.

This anxiety is because you wouldn't trust they would be there when you returned.

As a result, you may have become clingy and exaggerated your distress. This is to force your caregiver to react to your needs. 

If you have an anxious-insecure attachment style, you may identify as a "hopeless romantic."

And yet, you have difficulty settling down with any particular person.

You may feel worried about whether your partner actually has feelings for you and repeatedly seek reassurance. 

You constantly analyze why it takes so long for your partner to respond to you or consistently doubt your self-worth. 

You'll spend your time seeking approval and validation from others. When you don't get it, you may get anxious or even angry. 

Avoidant-insecure attachment style

Did your caregiver respond to you negatively?

Did they minimize your feelings, reject your needs, and refuse to help you with complex tasks?

You may have developed an avoidant-insecure attachment style. 

Suppose you were expected to take care of your caregiver, when it is supposed to go the other way. In that case, you might have learned it was best to avoid them entirely. You learned to shut down your feelings and become self-reliant. 

Since you couldn't turn to your caregiver when you were upset, you hid your feelings. This trend may have carried into your adulthood. 

This attachment style is associated with having either absent or negligent parents. 

The avoidant-insecure attachment style is characterized by a fear of intimacy. If you're one of these people, you may struggle to get close to or trust others.

When someone gets too close, you may push them away.

You may maintain a status of being emotionally unavailable. You may describe yourself as "ferociously independent" or been called "cold."

In reality, you are afraid of rejection or being hurt like you were as a child.

It's not that you don't want intimacy and emotional closeness. It's that you learned to guard yourself rather than reach out for help. 

Some studies have shown that people who are avoidant or dismissive feel accepted. When they anticipate having a healthy relationship, they feel happier about themselves. 

Disorganized-insecure attachment style

Disorganized-insecure attachment styles are correlated with atypical parenting styles.

Suppose your parents openly threatened, ridiculed, or frightened you with deliberate intent.

In that case, this attachment style may have been a trauma response. 

When you sought comfort, protection, and love, you learned that your caregivers wouldn't give that to you.

This rejection caused you to feel anxious and afraid.

It is called "disorganized" because you never developed a strategy for dealing with your rejection. Therefore, your behavior may have become disorganized as a result. 

Other insecure attachment styles develop ways of coping with their rejection. Because they were able to find a way to get their needs met, they're "organized."

You may have become aggressive. You refused to care for your caregiver, or developed an extreme sense of independence and self-reliance. 

If you have this attachment style, you may experience panic attacks or extreme fear around commitment. You may have gone over the top to get approval from friends or intimate partners. 

You both desperately desire affection.

But you also want to avoid it at all costs. 

You may deny your feelings or have unusual anxiety about expressing them. 

Disorganized-insecure people experience extreme jealousy and constantly analyze for romantic rivals. 

Relationship coaching may be the answer

Your primary attachment style formed in your childhood is likely how you relate to others as an adult. Your initial bonds with your caregivers provide you with a basis for your expectations of others. It impacts your intimate relationships, such as with a partner or friends. 

Your internalized expectations will influence how you react towards others giving you love and attention. 

However, that doesn't always have to be the case. Just because your primary caregivers or parents were inattentive doesn't mean you'll be doomed to have insecure attachments for the rest of your life. 

Changing your attachment style all starts with an awareness that you want to change. It will take time, energy, and reflection, but you can learn how to develop a secure attachment style. 

The journey will be well worth the effort. 

If you want to develop a secure attachment style, contact me today and start the next chapter of your emotional evolution.

“People with a secure attachment style know how to communicate their own expectations and respond to their partner’s needs effectively without having to resort to protest behavior.”

— K. Meraki

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