Keeping sex alive in a long-term relationship can feel like fighting a battle uphill. One partner is always pursuing the other. At the same time, the other person tends to recoil when physical intimacy is initiated. Why are mismatched libidos in relationships so common? 

Mismatched desire, uneven sexual desire, mismatched libidos, and sexual desire differences go by many names. But they all mean the same thing.

Uneven sexual desire means that one partner desires sex more often than the other. Identities within the relationship shift so that one person is always pursuing the other. Low sexual desire can impact anyone of any gender at any given time. There isn't always an explanation. But this inherent difference in sex drive can lead to many issues in an otherwise healthy relationship. 

It isn't something to be "fixed,"; instead, it is something you can learn to adapt your relationship around. Keep reading to find out why and how.

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What is mismatched desire?

Mismatched desire is when one partner consistently desires sex or physical intimacy more than their partner.

The two people are usually "labeled" as high/higher-desire and low/lower desire.

Typically, in heteronormative relationships, the male partner has a higher. But it can happen to any gender in any relationship structure at any time. 

Uneven sexual desire is the most common reason couples come to sex and relationship coaching.

What does unequal sexual desire look like?

Usually, their story follows a similar arc. "We used to have sex all the time!"

That is often the case. When we first start seeing a new special someone, we have a surplus of hormones coursing through our blood. Everything is exciting and new. Exciting and new equals curiosity and intrigue. Excitement plus curiosity equals sexual desire, most of the time. 

But as couples move in with each other and begin to share daily responsibilities, sex happens less and less. 

It is the natural progression of a relationship. It isn't something to fight. It is something to be aware of and adapt your expectations around. 

When couples come into sex coaching for mismatched libidos, they have opposite expectations about sex. 

As an example, the husband says, "We never have sex! Maybe we are intimate once or twice a week!"

Meanwhile, the wife says, "We have sex all the time! Usually once or twice a week! I'm exhausted." 

See the perspective difference?

What is infrequent and not enough for one partner is too much for the other. 

Unequal desire looks different in every couple.

Sometimes, one partner is always the initiator, and the other person accepts or rejects their advances. 

In other circumstances, one person never seems to experience desire, ever. 

There are countless reasons that this issue deserves time, attention, and effort.

How does it feel to be the high-libido partner?

As the higher-libido partner, you're the initiator. You're always looking for signs that your partner might be receptive to your advances, hoping for some love and affection. 

Over time, you'll likely feel a few of these things:

• Exhausted from constantly being on alert for sexual receptivity and watching out for the signs.

• Confused about what your partner's sexual signals are. What once meant that they were interested in intimacy doesn't mean the same thing anymore.

• Unattractive and unwanted. You keep trying to initiate and are getting rejected or rebuffed. The constant rejection is wearing you down. You question whether or not your partner is attracted to you anymore. 

• Upset, angry, or depressed because it feels like you're in a one-sided relationship.

• Unappreciated, you try and do everything right to put your partner in a receptive mood. But, nothing ever seems to work.

Constantly being the pursuer can wear a person down. They might start to feel like they're alone in the relationship and undesirable. 

After all, sexual rejection, especially by someone you love and care about, hurts. No matter what the reason is. 

How does it feel to be the low-libido partner?

As the lower-desire partner, you're constantly being asked for sex and intimacy. To you, it just isn't at the top of your priority list. Perhaps your partner's lack of understanding is frustrating you. As the lower-desire partner, you're likely to feel:

• On edge and afraid to touch your partner. Your partner interprets every touch as an act of initiation or a sign of hope. You withdraw and avoid touching them, so you don't lead them on.

• Annoyed and undervalued. Your partner is constantly bothering you for sex, like that is all they want. You're always being pestered to "put out" like it is all you're good for. It leaves you feeling upset and like little more than a sexual vessel. 

• Confused about why you don't seem to experience constant desire as your partner does. Shouldn't sexual desire just show up? Where did it go? 

• Smothered by your partner, who is only helping around the house in hopes of getting lucky. Everything they do for you, you interpret as trying to get in your pants. 

• Worried that there is something wrong with you. Shouldn't you want sex more often? You used to want it more before, but now, where did your libido go?

Being constantly pursued for sex can wear you down. You want to feel wanted for who you are as a person, not only as a sex object. It hurts when it feels like every act of kindness and embrace is an attempt to initiate sex.

What causes low libido?

Many, many different factors can cause a person's libido to dissipate. It may vanish for a short time or many years.

Sexual desire fluctuates over time and varies a lot on the daily stressors involved.

Some of the most common reasons for low libido are: 

Interpersonal problems with your partner

It could be that your partner isn't helping around the house. Or you're the one taking care of the kids. Or they said something rude at dinner. Whatever the reason, it is rare to find a couple that openly discusses their feelings. What happens outside the bedroom will follow you between the sheets.

Personal & health issues

If you're under stress at work, feeling ill, or having mental health issues, sex will be the furthest thing from your mind. When you don't feel comfortable in your body or environment, it can cause you to become stressed and kill your sex drive. 

Poor communication & false expectations

Everyone, unfortunately, gets most of their sexuality education from porn and media. Suppose you are expecting to have sex several times a week. It should go for hours at a time. And orgasm should happen instantly from penetration. In that case, you're not going to be having very good sex. Change the game. Learn how to have a genuine conversation with your partner about what you actually want from your sex life. Not what you think you're supposed to want. 

Body image and confidence issues

Everyone feels self-conscious and unhappy with the way they look from time to time.

It can feel overwhelming in a society where everyone is taught that they're supposed to look one way.

Worrying that your belly is bouncing or what your "o-face" looks like during sex is distracting and can ruin the experience.

The sex you are having isn't as great as it could be

You're taught to believe that your partner should read your mind when it comes to sexual pleasure. They should know precisely what you like, when you like it, and do it perfectly every time. Sounds pretty ridiculous when you think about it, right? Learning how to give each other pleasure is an ongoing aspect of a relationship. Providing constructive feedback and coaching can change things quickly.

There are so many more reasons that people experience low libido. The most common one that isn't immediately noticeable is a differentiation of self. 

Differentiation of self

Differentiation of self is when you can maintain your sense of identity within your relationship. Meaning that you enjoy doing things with your partner, but you also do things on your own and for your own benefit. You can separate your thoughts and feelings from your relationship. Also, you can maintain those thoughts and feelings while you're with your partner. 

So many people lose sight of this. 

When you feel your relationship slipping away, you try to cling to things more. Try to pull your partner closer, spend more time together, talk more. There is merit in the saying "distance makes the heart grow fonder."

When things follow the flow of daily life and nothing changes, you lose the excitement in a relationship. Excitement, curiosity, and intrigue all inspire sexual desire. Without change, without excitement, without separation, desire is bound to plummet.

People, just like relationships, grow and change over time.

After all, isn’t the point of human existence to embrace transformation and discover new things?

It is the same thing in relationships, but frequently people lose sight of development being a good thing.

Many people see their partners and their relationship as being static, meaning that they and it shouldn't change at all. The fear and discomfort caused by a change are common. If you don't learn how to embrace change and individuality, the energy in your relationship will change. 

If you want to increase your sense of self-differentiation, you can try these:

• Don't change who you are based on whom you're with

• Be authentically yourself. Carefully consider what you want before you respond to someone. Don't be afraid to step outside the lines and shake things up a bit. Learn to honor your individuality. You'll start to feel more comfortable in your relationship and your own skin.

• Be willing to confront yourself and your thoughts

• So many people just live life without much thought. Start to question who you are, who you want to be, what you really enjoy. Create your own standard for who you are and live up to it. You can only gain a greater sense of differentiation by spending time with yourself. So do it!

• Start with small changes, but plan for the long term

• Creating a habit takes time. If you figure out the kind of person you want to be, it may take a lot of changes. Start with small goals and plan for the more achievements down the road.

• Get coaching - Working with a coach can help you be honest with yourself and can make things a lot easier. You'll have someone there to hold a mirror up and hold you accountable. 

Hacking sexual desire

Sexual desire and libido are supposed to be natural, right?

They should just happen without any interference or cues.

After all, isn't that what you always see in the movies?

It turns out that sexual desire is a lot more complicated than we see in the media. It also varies from person to person and day today. 

Expecting that your partner experiences desire in the same way you do can damage your relationship. 

There are three primary ways that desire is awakened within people.

1 - Spontaneous desire

Spontaneous sexual desire is exactly how it sounds.

It shows up randomly, with or without direct touch. In the book Come as You Are by Emily Nagoski, she noted that 75% of men regularly experience spontaneous desire.

Meanwhile, only about 15% of women do. 

This statistic really means that 25% of men and 85% of women do not experience spontaneous desire. 

2 - Responsive desire

Responsive sexual desire is when desire is felt in response to stimulation. When something sexy is felt or experienced, the body responds. 

Responsive sexual desire is unique to each person. For some, you may get aroused from the idea of being desired by your partner. For others, you may experience sexual desire from teasing or wanting more of something. Whatever turns you on, you need to encounter that first, then sexual desire follows.

Nagoski found that 30% of women and 5% of men regularly experience responsive sexual desire. 

3 - Contextual desire

Contextual sexual desire happens when the circumstances and environment enable you to feel it.

Where you are and what is going on play heavily into your ability to feel turned on or off. 

If you think about it, many people don't consider life's context when they're talking about their sex lives.

It's like real life and physical intimacy are entirely separate. In reality, they aren't.

Expecting to feel like sex when you're worried about your finances, your home, and stressed at work is a lot to ask. 

Embracing that you enjoy a sexy context may take time and practice, but it is well worth the journey. 

No one falls perfectly into one of the three categories of desire. Things fluctuate, or perhaps you need a combination of things to get aroused. 

Learning what you want and need can be vital to understanding how to raise your libido. 

Are we sexually incompatible?

Just because one partner doesn't want sex as often as the other doesn't mean you are sexually incompatible.

There is no hard and fast answer whether you're sexually compatible.

That may take time to reveal. 

All you can do is ask questions of each other, be honest, and listen intently.

Often the biggest truths hide between the lines of what is being said. 

Being sexually incompatible is also a grey area. Desire, just like sexual tastes, fluctuate and change over time. If you think that you'll enjoy just one thing for the rest of your life, you're going to be in for some confronting surprises.

How to deal with mismatched libidos

Just like sex and relationship coaching, this won't be a one-size-fits-all section. Certain things work for some couples and backfire with others. Take into account your partner's needs, your needs, and what your relationship needs. Start small and make consistent changes over time to see what works for you.

A few suggestions are:

• Talk to your partner about the desired frequency of sex. Both of you have to be honest here. It would help if you also were willing to compromise. Find a number closer to the lower desire partner's needs and start with that. 

• Schedule sex! This way, the higher libido partner knows when they're getting it and stops trying to initiate. The lower desire partner has time to get excited. They can relax knowing that they won't be pressured on other days. 

• Don't forget the context. Just because you may usually experience spontaneous sexual desire doesn't mean you shouldn't try and set the mood. Take the time you both deserve, go on a date, treat each other nicely, whatever you both want. 

• Spend more time doing what you love individually. If you're permanently attached at the hip, try and both take up separate hobbies that you enjoy. They will increase your sense of self-esteem and help with the differentiation of self.

• Try something new together! Whether it's gardening, taking a cocktail class, or dancing, whatever you can do together. These activities can help you increase your experiential intimacy, and you can have some fun together.

How sex coaching can help with desire differences

Desire differences often indicate that there is something bigger in the relationship that needs to be addressed. Usually, there is a lot more than meets the eye when it comes to sexuality difficulties. 

Working with a sex and relationship coach can take the guesswork out of your healing process and serve as a faster route. You'll be given individualized and couples assignments that can help you make changes and heal faster.

If you're ready to improve your sex life and meet on a level desire playing field, send me a message today.

“From this point of view, intimate conversation, affection, and friendship are central to the erotic life of a long-term relationship.”

— Emily Nagoski, Come As You Are

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