Have you ever hooked up with someone and thought to yourself, "I am DEFINITELY not falling for this person! They're not even my type!"

Yeah, well, that's what happened to me. I fell hard for my "situationship," and they broke my heart.

But within that heartbreak, I unwittingly embarked on a journey of self-discovery as my own attachment issues came to light despite all my effort to hide from them.

In the pursuit of validity and orgasms, my situationship ultimately acted like a mirror, forcing me to confront the deep-seated attachment issues that had silently influenced my relationships.

It's funny how the relationships you fall into impact you the most.

My Situationship Story

The year was 2018. The dating apps were all the rage, and I was on every one of them: Tinder, Bumble, OkCupid, Badoo, Plenty of Fish…etc. My goal was to meet people I could hook up with. 

One fateful evening, I was bored out of my mind and mindlessly swiping until I came across this guy's profile. Their profile was nothing special. It was a shirtless photo of them, and I thought, "Hey, they're hot and only 5 mins away, so why not?" 

So I swiped right.

We started talking, and after a few days of small talk and a phone call, we met up. Finally, I felt comfortable enough to meet him, and since he lived close to my house, I thought I would just pop on over…just to meet him…at 10'o clock at night. When I arrived, he invited me upstairs to his room, and from that moment on, he invited me upstairs to his room twice a week for the next year and a half.

When everything first started, I was so sure about what I wanted. I thought he was a cocky asshole who thought too much of himself. But by combining mediocre sex with good looks and charm, my inner teen, who faced constant rejection, was thrilled.

Someone was paying attention to me and wanted me.

But my 21-year-old self had a different goal in mind. She just wanted to have casual sex and get out. I didn't care to get to know him as a person, but my Tinder hookup had a different idea.

They wanted to talk. Like really talk. They wanted to get to know me so they could feel more comfortable having sex with me.

So before having sex, I was unknowingly getting to know this person deeper than I think anyone else knew them in their life. This would later come back to bite me in the ass when I realized I was being used for my emotional labor and body.

At first, I was so unfazed by this person and just enjoyed the sex but the more I got to know them, the deeper I fell for them. It felt like I got an all-access pass to this person who made it seem like no one cared to really get to know them. I felt like the exception in their life for the few hours we spent together weekly.

As the months passed, I found myself constantly thinking about this person. I wondered what they were doing and when I could see them next. As I got more attached to this person, they were as neutral as the day we met.

As the sex felt more intimate for me, they were indifferent until something was on their mind, and they wanted someone to care.

I obsessed over this person and wondered why they would take hours to answer my messages. I would listen to podcasts about hooking up and learning to be sexually indifferent to your friends with benefits while trying to make them fall in love with you. I would try to be strategic and do something to make this person care, and it seemed whatever I did, nothing would faze this person while I was dying for them to care about me the way I cared about them.

In hindsight, the signs of my attachment issues were as subtle as a police siren.

I clung desperately to the slivers of affection and validation they gave me.

If I felt that they were pulling away, I would internally panic and try to find ways to keep them interested, even if it put my well-being at risk.

At moments it was like an out-of-body experience.

Watching myself oscillating between moments of intense neediness and self-protective withdrawal. The fear of rejection loomed large, prompting a constant analysis of their every word and action, searching for reassurance or confirmation of my worth. Which was something I never got.

Attachment issues & their impact on my situationships

Attachment issues may feel like a new buzzword that is passed around, but it is a truly unique way to see what is going on in your inner world and the profound impact they can have on relationships. So before we further analyze my situationship, let's get on the same page.

Definition of attachment issues:

Attachment issues stem from early life experiences shaping your ability to form secure and healthy emotional connections. For example, think back to your childhood and your relationship with your parents. Those experiences and patterns you witness are wired in your subconscious. As a result, individuals with attachment issues often struggle to trust, form deep connections, and maintain emotional stability within relationships.

These issues seep into every part of someone's relationship. As a result, they impact how you perceive, interact, and bond with someone.

In the context of my Situationship…

My attachment issues became evident when I couldn't stop thinking about the person. Wondering what they were doing and how I could make them happy, and how I could change myself so they would think I was worthy to be with them.

My deep-seated fear of rejection and longing for validation fueled a constant need for reassurance that they absolutely refused to give me. Yet, looking back now, I realize how much they loved that I craved their time and attention while they were able to stay as neutral as the day we met.

Moreover, I became angry with them because I felt I was giving myself emotionally and physically while they remained on their pedestal. I would place unrealistic expectations on them to meet, and when they wouldn't even try to meet them, I felt vulnerable and exposed.

I overextended myself for someone who refused to add any emotional investment in me, which hurt.

Reflection & Lessons Learned

My situationship brought me a deep sense of self-awareness. Then, when it all came crashing down, and I left the situationship, I had to look at myself and question why I was acting in such a way.

My anxious attachment style, coupled with a fear of rejection and self-worth issues, all contributed to me betraying myself for the validation of someone who never cared to learn my last name.

While tumultuous, the situationship helped me gain valuable insights into myself and lessons that will guide me in the future, such as:

1. Recognizing the importance of self-worth: Have some self-esteem because no one will give it to you, and they will use it to their advantage. This person used me for my emotional labor, and I was so scared to be rejected by them that I was unable to stop it.

2. Honesty: Being honest with myself from the beginning when I first started having feelings would've saved me a lot of heartbreak. I would've left at the first sign of him not being interested in me out of the bedroom.

Once I recognized my attachment issues, I was able to work on them and grow as a person. I now quickly identify the patterns that stem from my anxious attachment and can actively work with them.

If this is you at the moment and you have no idea where to begin to heal your attachment issues, here are a few tips:

a. Self-reflection: Engage in deep self-reflection to identify patterns, triggers, and behaviors that may stem from attachment issues. Understanding their origins can be a crucial step in addressing and healing them.

b. Seek professional help if needed: This is what I did. Talking to a therapist showed me how deep my attachment issues ran. They helped me uncover underlying causes and develop coping strategies, which facilitated personal growth.

c. Cultivate self-compassion: Embrace self-compassion and kindness throughout the healing process. Understand that attachment issues are deeply ingrained and take time and effort to address. Treat yourself with patience and understanding.

Just the Beginning 

You know, through all the heartbreak and embarrassing moments of vulnerability, I don't regret it. Instead, my situationship shed light on something that needed healing. I was able to address the issue and move forward and find better relationships.

We can break free from the patterns by recognizing attachment issues, engaging in self-reflection, and seeking support when needed. As a result, we can create healthier, more secure relationships.

Remember, healing takes time, but the rewards of personal growth and genuine connection are worth the effort.

About the Author

Mia is a self-proclaimed sex enthusiast. From a young age, Mia has been curious about sex, and as she got older, that curiosity grew. Regrettably, due to a lack of accessible knowledge and resources, Mia found herself having unsatisfactory sexual experiences that left something to be desired.

Unwilling to settle for medicore sex for the rest of her life, she created her blog, Come to Mia. A safe space where everyone as curious as she is, can learn about sex and how to improve their sex lives.

Mia firmly believes that pleasure is an indispensable component of a fulfilling life. Her blog offers a nurturing space where all those curious about sex can gather, learn, and transform their intimate lives for the better. Mia wants everyone to feel as empowered in their sex lives as she does now. 

Learn more here!

“In hindsight, the signs of my attachment issues were as subtle as a police siren. I clung desperately to the slivers of affection and validation they gave me.”

— Mia

Want to learn more about sex, dating, and relationships?

Keep reading!

Do you want to contribute to the Sex With Elaine blog?

SEND ME AN EMAIL!

Enjoy this article?

THEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM!

Never miss another helpful tip.