Is there an elephant in the room in your relationship? One elephant that requires attention is the one labeled "porn." Everyone has been exposed to pornography at some point in their lives. A large percentage of the population relies on it for visual stimulation during masturbation. But this critical topic often goes ignored. So, how do you talk to your partner about porn habits?

There are many dimensions to the porn conversation to be considered. The most crucial step is carefully thinking about your feelings surrounding porn and masturbation. 

Porn is not inherently wrong. 

It is one of the oldest forms of art. In every culture, there has been a practice of showing other people being physically intimate together. So, what has changed to make it so taboo? Why is talking about porn important in your relationship?

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Why should you talk to your partner about porn?

Especially in heteronormative couples, porn often goes unaddressed. Masturbation habits are kept secret between people in a relationship, creating uncertainty.

You may be happy to maintain the masturbation mystery between you and your partner. After all, it is an immensely personal habit. 

But consider the inevitable truth.

In a long-term relationship, the likelihood that you'll "get caught" is very high. 

So, bite off the head of the snake before something happens. 

Benefits of talking to your partner about porn

Yes, talking about porn and masturbation may feel awkward at first. Still, it is for the health of your relationship overall. 

There are many reasons you should be proactive about this conversation.

• A feeling of honesty and open communication

• A lower chance of anyone getting hurt by deceit

• Additional comfort discussing sexual topics with your partner

• Acknowledgment and a mutual understanding of your needs

• The ability to have the conversation again later as your needs change

You may notice more benefits after you've had the conversation. These are only a few surface-level ones that are sure to follow after an open and intimate conversation. 

Potential downsides of talking to your partner about porn

It is only fair to consider both sides of the argument. Some potential downsides to talking to your partner about porn are:

• It may be awkward for a little while

• You may have to be the one to bring it up

• You may disagree on your feelings about porn

• You, your partner, or both of you have to be willing to compromise

Life is all about growth.

And growth is inherently uncomfortable.

If you want your relationship to grow and prosper, start with a foundation of openness and honesty. 

What is porn?

Deciding what is and isn't porn is a crucial step in the process of the porn discussion. You may find that some outlets that have sexual content don't bother you, whereas others do. As Justice Potter Stewart once said about defining pornography, "I know it when I see it."

That kind of sentiment won't be realistic within a relationship.

Any time your partner comes across something sexual, they have to ask for your permission? 

Setting up boundaries around what is and what isn't pornography will be critical for a long-term solution.

When you're thinking about where to set limits, think about these types of platforms:

Subscription pornography sites 

Paying for porn isn't very common when it really should be. If you're pro-porn and care about the well-being of those in the industry, choose a sex-positive porn subscription site. Opting for this allows you both access to agreed-upon ethical porn. That way you can enjoy it together or on your own.

Free porn sites

Famous porn sites such as Pornhub sell unethically manufactured fantasies for rapid consumption. Consider the well-being of those involved in many of those porn shoots. Also, consider the devices being used to watch porn. Are they within reach of young children? Do they have any protection from viruses? Free porn sites are notorious for giving your computer viruses. Carefully consider if these are suitable sites for your circumstances.

Host-controlled programs

Sex-positive and performer-managed content offers fair and equitable treatment to those involved. It also allows you to set a budget. These services reduce the risk of porn dependency as they provide a limited scope of participants. They're also a pay-to-play option. This option means that you and your partner could discuss a reasonable monthly expense option. 

These types of services allow you to set different boundaries. Such as which kinds of performers are suitable and agreed upon. There are many reasons why platforms like Arousr are ideal for relationships.

Social Media

Social media has become a significant source of contention in many relationships. Viewing models' profiles can feel very disheartening as a partner. Other applications such as Snapchat delete things instantly. This gives the illusion of "covering your tracks" if you're engaging in acts outside the relationship boundaries. Do any of these platforms feel like porn to you? Do you trust your partner to use these platforms ethically and responsibly?

Porn comes in all manners and types today. Consider which options may be off-limits, in your opinion. Also, be ready to revisit the situation as time passes and reevaluate any choices you've made.

Porn isn't going anywhere, it's only a few clicks away, and it is important to cover with your partner.

Consider your feelings

Before talking to your partner, consider how you feel about the use of porn inside a relationship. 

Do you watch porn?

Do you know other people who do?

Does it feel like infidelity or cheating to you? 

The reality is that most people who use porn regularly rely on it as a masturbatory aid. Your partner has likely been using porn since long before they met you.

There are two sides to every coin, some key points to consider that are pro-porn and solo-sex are:

• Making porn off-limits may cause your partner to feel misunderstood or sexually repressed

• Masturbation is a vital part of being a healthy sexual being; porn is just a visual aid

• Some people have a higher sex drive than their partners - porn and masturbation may feel like a safe and healthy outlet

• Porn isn't based on reality; it is merely a fantasy on a screen

Eliminating or making something "off-limits" could be damaging over time. It could also make porn feel like a forbidden fruit.

The alternative considerations may come across as intensely personal. That is why they are sensitive points for many people.

• Knowing that your partner regularly watches porn makes it feel like you're not enough for them sexually

• Seeing the actors in porn makes you feel concerned that you're not attractive enough for your partner

• It feels like cheating or infidelity

• Porn makes you feel uncomfortable 

• A person can sometimes become reliant on porn for sexual stimulation

As you can see, there are two sides to every argument. This is especially true when it comes to porn use and masturbation habits. 

Being honest with yourself and navigating your feelings about porn is essential before bringing up this topic.

Consider your expectations

What is the ideal outcome of this discussion in your mind? 

Deciding on your firm boundaries and areas where you're comfortable compromising ahead of time can help the talk feel honest. Also, it can make the outcome feel less like a compromise.

A few options to consider are: 

Open porn use 

You and your partner can use porn and masturbate as you desire. You could come up with a "don't ask, don't tell" policy. You can also share what you've been watching or find a happy medium that works for you both. 

Circumstantial porn use

Are there certain types of porn that don't bother you? Are there certain ones you consider off-limits? What if you temporarily lose your desire or ability to have sex with your partner? Would porn be allowed then? If you go for this one, consider many circumstances and compromises. One significant benefit of this option is keeping the conversation going. Meanwhile, you're setting realistic and experimental boundaries.

Porn is off limits

If you're entirely uncomfortable with porn use, you need to consider which outlets are porn to you. Your partner deserves a voice in this conversation, too, so listen to their feelings and opinions. Also, think about what you will do if you or your partner break this rule. Does it also mean that using porn together is off-limits? 

Be realistic and open to hearing your partner out. 

Again, porn is fantasy. You are their reality, and they have chosen to be with you. But porn came first. Be realistic in your decision-making process and be willing to compromise.

It doesn't need to be a one-time conversation. Revisiting it with time and as your opinion and relationship grow would be the healthiest possible option.

6 tips for talking about porn with your partner

When you've decided to talk about porn with your partner, give them time to consider their feelings and opinions. You've had time to think about how you feel about it, and they deserve the same. 

Bring the topic up in whatever way feels easy and natural to you, then give them some time to think about it. It could be as simple as mentioning:

"I read this fascinating article about discussing porn use in relationships. I think this would be a really important conversation for us to have. Would you be open to talking about it next week after you've had some time to think it over?"

1 - Choose the right setting

Do not have this conversation in bed, the bedroom, or around the time you've been physically intimate.

Talking about sex in these contexts can dramatically increase the feelings around sexual topics.

Choose an appropriate time and context to have this conversation. Perhaps at a dinner table, in a busy coffee shop, or while you're relaxing on the couch. 

You can also let the context inspire the conversation if you don't know how to start. You could put on a Netflix series about sexuality. Or share an article about porn in relationships with your partner, and ask how they feel about it. 

Talking about sexual topics doesn't have to be complicated. It gets easier with time and practice. 

2 - Set up a framework

Discussing sensitive topics such as porn can lead to some pretty emotionally charged conversations. To avoid fights, you can use some basic conversation tactics that are helpful for relationships. 

• Use an object - Use an object to take turns talking, so you both feel heard and listened to.

• Use reflective listening - When your partner says something, parrot back what you've heard and understood. Miscommunication happens far more than people think. As George Bernard Shaw said, "The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place." 

• Set a timer - Talk about it enough, then save the rest for another day. 

• Chunk up the conversation - Creating time to think about what has been said and your personal feelings can be constructive. It shows that you're willing to be open-minded with your partner. 

• Don’t let the conversation get away from you - Set a specific time limit when chunking. Say something like, "I'd like to discuss this more on a weekend when I have more mental energy." Ask for what feels suitable for you and stick to it.

Framework means both of you can have the opportunity to both listen and feel heard. 

3 - Remember that you come from different stories

Different genders, orientations, and backgrounds create your feelings about porn and masturbation.

Be patient and give each other space to talk about your experiences.

Doing this is crucial for cultivating emotional intimacy. 

The attitudes and beliefs around sex that you grew up with will play a heavy part in your decision-making process.

Acknowledge that you have or have not challenged those beliefs. Doing this will be a critical part of this ongoing porn conversation. 

4 - Resolve to be open-minded

Be open-minded during this conversation, especially if this is your first time broaching the subject together.

Keeping your judgments to yourself may feel challenging at first, but it is necessary to create an open space.

What you once may have held hard and fast as a boundary may wobble or disappear altogether.

That's ok - admitting that your opinion has changed is a sign of intelligence and empathy.

5 - Talk about your relationship with porn and porn habits

If you grew up watching porn regularly, it might play a large part in your sexual habits.

On the other side, it may be something you only use occasionally when you're in the mood. Or something that you got in lots of trouble for when you were young.

Whatever your relationship is with porn, integrate it into the conversation.

Doing so will help your partner understand you better.

6 - Honest compromise is the ultimate goal

In relationships in general, you cannot survive long without the willingness to compromise.

Being flexible about what you think and feel is crucial for relationship longevity.

So be open to discussing what you think, but be more open to what your partner says.

You have two ears and one mouth. Use them proportionately. 

When you're ready to talk to your partner about porn in your relationship, create time for the conversation. The porn discussion doesn't happen only one. Check in with each other about how you're adjusting to new feelings or restrictions. Doing this will be an excellent tool for your long-term happiness.

Getting help talking to your partner about porn

Having a mediator for this discussion can be very powerful for many couples. Speaking with a sex coach about your feelings can be incredibly powerful, especially when you're conflicted.

If you want some help talking to your partner about porn in your relationship, reach out to me today. 

You can have one-on-one sessions, a combined session, or both. Doing this can help make the conversation much easier to navigate.

“Communication leads to community, that is, to understanding, intimacy, and mutual valuing.”

— Rollo May

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