Dating Red Flags - What to look out for to stay safe
When you're dating, everyone tries to be the best version of themselves. You want to show the best aspects of your personality. Almost like you're trying to sell something. Being aware of dating red flags means that you'll save yourself a lot of time, energy, and heartbreak moving forward.
If your potential partner shows any worrying behavior in the first few dates, know that this is just a sample size. You're likely to get stuck with a moving truck's worth of BS later if you ignore it in the first place.
Be safe and stay safe by knowing when you should run away.
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What are dating red flags?
Red flags are things a person does that indicate they're an unsafe person for you. Some red flags are serious and could show that this person is likely to become violent or controlling. At the same time, other red flags mean that they're not looking for anything more with you than a “good time.”
Your worth and your aims in a budding relationship are your business. Just don't waste your time on time wasters.
How to recognize red flags?
Some red flags will be more obvious than others.
Often, there'll be subtle changes in behavior or mentions while you're in each other's company. They're all different, but you'll primarily notice them based on:
How they treat you
Actions may speak louder than words for someone you're dating.
If your date says something to you or about you that causes you to feel uncomfortable, get out while you're ahead.
That behavior is likely to escalate.
How they treat other people
Have you noticed that they treat people in customer service rudely?
How they relate to others is an informative way to analyze their level of empathy.
It also tells you a lot about how they perceive their own importance.
Their word choices
We all have certain words or phrases that get under our skin
But, some trigger words should catch your attention.
They might be threatening your safety, or even just about their intentions for the relationship between you two.
Listen to the sentence at face value, then read between the lines for intent.
If you feel unsafe asking clarifying questions, then guess what?
You've found your first red flag.
The way they handle relationships with other people
How do they treat their family?
Their friends?
How do they treat your friends and family?
Showing they care about other people's needs, desires, and feelings means that they're likely compassionate.
If they treat someone close to them with contempt or disrespect, that's likely going to translate into how they treat you.
Not all red flags will be as simple to see. You're only human.
The most manipulative people are the best at hiding it.
Trust your instincts.
If you're worried about their behavior, ask for a consultation from a professional or a friend.
Top dating red flags
These red flags will apply almost across the board, regardless of gender or orientation.
They're all worrying signs that indicate that something deeper may be going on.
These are dating red flags, meaning when you've met someone new. Perhaps you've had a date or two, maybe a few more. This article is about early intervention and keeping yourself out of danger.
They're overly critical
It could be food, people, the restaurant, or even their exes. Whatever is happening, they have very little good to say or nothing positive at all.
Suppose they're constantly being negative about things in the environment. In that case, it can indicate that they will be overly critical of you.
It may also tell you that they're always going to be playing the victim. They're a slave to the circumstances rather than the master of their own decisions.
They constantly check their phone but don't text you back reliably
Suppose you're on a date. You notice that they're checking their phone a lot without an understandable explanation (babysitter, family emergency, etc.). They're telling you that you're not going to be their priority.
Especially in the first few dates where you're trying to assess whether the other person is of interest to you. Everyone should be on their best behavior.
In reality, it's basically a relationship interview, right?
They're essentially telling you they'd rather be somewhere else with someone else.
This is magnified when they don't reliably text you back. If they seem to always be on their phone and available to other people, then why not you?
Those actions speak much louder than words. They're telling you that the Instagram notification is more important than getting to know you.
They're unreliable
Being consistently late isn't unreliable. They’re still reliable because they’re always late.
If your date is self-aware that they're a person who is always late - you can adjust to that.
But, if they cancel dates, are always busy (but keep messaging you,) or avoid their friends - this is worrying behavior.
Being unreliable isn't something you grow out of quickly.
It takes time and life experience.
Someone who is inconsistent in their availability or communication, you've got yourself a red flag.
No partner is available 24/7 - but they should be able to make time for you and your budding relationship.
As we always say, time is never found, only made. Therefore, if they care about you and want to spend time with you, they will.
This inconsistency isn't something you'd want to deal with in the long run, right? So don't put up with it in the beginning.
Their dating profile doesn't match reality
Whether you met on an app or first encountered each other briefly at a party, the contents don't match the packaging.
For instance, if they say they're a huge environmentalist. But you see that they use tons of single-use disposable products. Back away.
This person isn't self-actualized. They certainly don't know who they are, which means they certainly don't know what they want from a partner.
All their exes are crazy
You talk about your past relationships on early dates - that's normal. If your date has had multiple relationships, and the common denominator is insane exes... Guess what the real common denominator is?
The person sitting across from you.
They're the victim of someone else's craziness. They're casting themselves as the patient and compassionate protagonist who tried to make things work.
That isn't the likely reality.
If they don't have one positive thing to say about someone they spent months or years of their life with, time to call a cab.
To put it bluntly, they're the real crazy one.
They don't listen to you
Listening is an art and science, and one we're not taught.
However, if you are genuinely interested in the person you're dating, then you'll listen to what they have to say.
You'll care about their opinions and their stories.
That's because you genuinely want to know everything about them.
They may constantly talk over you, or seem like they're just waiting for their turn to speak. They may even forget something you just said, then walk the hell away.
They're jealous
Jealousy is a major red flag.
If your potential future partner is worried about everyone around you, it isn't likely to get much better. Jealousy is often a personality trait of an insecure and potentially dangerous person.
Listen for little warning signs.
Do they comment on everyone noticing you?
Perhaps they mention that you spend a little too much time with your friends.
Or they may even get uncomfortable when you're telling stories from your past.
Red flag, run away.
Everything is all about them
Perhaps they make all your stories about them.
Maybe they refuse to try some new restaurant because it doesn't suit their taste.
Whatever is happening has to be about them and what they want.
This demonstrates a need to maintain control. It's an indicator of a very unhealthy relationship—also, a very selfish way of living.
They're self-absorbed, and they don't have emotional space for you.
You catch yourself justifying their behavior
You shouldn't have to apologize to the waiter while they're in the bathroom.
Or saying to a friend, "oh, they just seem rude, but they're nice when you get to know them!"
You may also be trying to rationalize their choices and actions in your head.
Justifying their emotional reactions like:
Getting mad over simple things like getting cut off in traffic
Yelling at a waiter for not helping them fast enough
Sulking when you reject physical intimacy
Yelling at a stranger for cutting in line
These are all big dating red flags.
They treat you like a committed partner - but you're not
This one happens to the best of us.
They "don't want to put a label on it" or are "not ready for a relationship."
But they do all the relationship-y things with you.
You meet their friends and family. They talk about a future with you. But they refuse to commit or be monogamous.
Just because their actions don't match their words does not mean they will line up in the future.
A person who does this wants all the best parts of a relationship without the challenging bits. This person will likely head for the hills as soon as the going gets tough. They're also likely to still be active on dating profiles while they see you.
They don't respect your boundaries
Encouraging you to catch the flying rice at tepanyaki is one thing.
Pushing your comfort zone is another one entirely.
Disrespecting your needs to feel emotionally, mentally, and physically safe shows they don't respect you.
Some examples of this are:
Looking at your phone without permission
Acting entitled to your time
Trying to "test" you on things
Getting upset when you're busy with other people
Needing to know where you are and who you're with all the time
They are prioritizing their desires over your sense of safety or comfort.
So, if you aren't ready to go back to their place, then don't! Also, always have an escape plan to help you in these situations.
They want you always to prioritize them
If you're canceling things, you usually do to hang out with the person you're newly dating, big red flag.
If your new boo tells you to cancel your plans to be with them, it shows they don't see the people in your life as important.
They always have to be the priority.
They will isolate you until they feel like they're fully in control.
Your partner should always support your relationships with friends, hobbies, and career choices. If they think they're more important, then show them the door!
You have too many things in common
Sharing interests with a new potential partner is fun and exhilarating. Common ground can bond you together.
But if you notice that you seem to have everything in common, they may be mirroring your behavior.
They may be mirroring your interests or hobbies because they're super into you or because they're just insecure.
They may also be trying to create a new identity that aligns with who you are.
The lack of opinions or unwillingness to share who they are shows low confidence.
It may also be a worrying sign that they've been spending a little too much time on your social media profiles.
Wanting to commit a little too quickly
Authentic connections can form relationships rather quickly. But, you need to genuinely get to know someone before you start changing your relationship status.
If your friends ask you a question about your new boo - you want to be able to answer it with ease, right?
If a new person tries to rush you into something, it's an indicator they don't respect boundaries.
They also may be a serial dater just looking to tie someone down. Whatever the reason is, if they're getting too friendly too quickly, step back and zip out of there.
They're always the "good guy"
Whether they're always telling you they're a "good guy," saying "that's the way my momma raised me" a bit too often, or they're always the hero in their stories - then that is a big red flag.
This type of behavior usually indicates that they feel like they can do no wrong. They crave being the center of all that is good in the world.
Save yourself some trouble and GTFO.
The bottom line is
Trust your gut.
It's a great indicator of trustworthy people and those who are questionable.
Trust your people-reader and trust yourself. If it feels off, or things are a little too good to be true - they likely won't be for long.
When you're in doubt of whether a person you're seeing is showing red flags - you can try a few things.
Try saying the red flags out loud to yourself. Externalizing them can help you notice harmful and destructive behaviors.
Tell a friend about the red flags and ask for their opinions.
Imagine that your best friend described your partner's behaviors to you - how would you react?
When in doubt - get out.
A relationship that starts toxic stays toxic.
You deserve to be celebrated, worshiped, and feel cherished by your partner. Don't settle for less.
If you need dating help - then try coaching with me. I’m a recovered serial dater with a long history of toxic relationships. If anyone can empathize with what you're going through, it's me. Get in contact with me today to get a relationship audit started.
“Well, dating has become a sport and not about finding the person you love.”
-Rashida Jones
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