Beginner’s Guide to Online Dating Safety - What you need to know before you go out with that dude from Tinder
There is no reason to spare any expense when it comes to your safety. In the modern dating era, almost everyone uses a dating app to meet someone. When you talk to someone online, you really don't know who they are. It's just a few texts on a screen. If you agree to meet up in real life, then guess what? Someone entirely different may be joining you for dinner. Online dating safety isn't something that is first nature to everyone, but it needs to be.
Some online dating apps have dangerous people hiding amongst all the right-swipe-worthy profiles. Regardless of your gender or the person you're meeting - take your safety seriously
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Why is online dating dangerous?
There are countless reasons why online dating is dangerous, but there are many ways you can make it safe.
When you're swiping online, it's easy to get carried away chatting with some new cuties you've matched with. But, until you see their face and compare it to their stories and information, you don't know that person.
Catfishing
Catfishing has become so common that an entire TV show is dedicated to it.
People are out there constantly pretending to be someone else to get something from you.
They may be after your money, personal information, or out for revenge.
There are plenty of people out there lying about their identity.
Catfishing is why you want to get someone on a video call before your first date.
Cheaters
Online dating apps make the temptation to cheat on your current partner more and more tempting. After all, a new and exciting hook-up is just a few taps away. You're likely to match with someone who is still in a relationship and lying about it.
Even if you fall madly in love - what's to stop them from doing that to you?
It's impossibly easy to hide behind a profile and keep your significant other in the dark.
Playing the Field
If you're on a hook-up dating app to find love, it isn't likely to happen. If you're searching for real love and a lasting commitment, it may be a challenge to sift everyone else. One-night-standers and those seeing how many times they can get laid in a week are bound to pop up on your screen a lot.
If that's not what you're looking for, then you need to look for relationship-angled sites.
Scammers
Everyone is looking for something.
While many people may be looking for a quick lay online, there are plenty waiting to try and take things from you.
They may con you into loaning them money or use fake emergencies to get you to do something for them.
Whatever it is, they're not in it for the relationship.
They're with you to see what they can get from you.
Fake Profiles
These could be fake in a few ways. Perhaps they're a catfish, or maybe they create a false expectation of who they are. They may have pictures of them in the Sahara desert - but, in reality, they're taken on a green screen.
Their profile is full of lies about their interests, hobbies, and even their appearance. Photoshop is their best friend, and they're desperate to get the attention of you, or really, anyone.
Predators
Predators come in many shapes and forms. They could be doing something incredibly nefarious, like grooming you for sex trafficking or even worse. Running into these people is relatively unlikely. Still, it's best to protect yourself and know how to keep yourself safe from the consequences.
SexualAlpha is a resource that keeps all kinds of up-to-date sexual assault statistics available to the public. One that deserves attention is that 1 in 3 women are subjected to either physical or sexual violence in their lifetime. While it is never the survivors’ fault, it is something that you ought to be aware of.
Bad dudes are the exception - not the rule. By learning a few key things, you should keep yourself safe with relative ease.
Online dating safety tips
These are the absolute fundamentals. They're the same for everyone regardless of where you're from, what you look like, or your genitals. Keep yourself safe from any unwanted attention.
Take time to talk to them
You should feel pretty confident talking to this person online before you meet up in real life.
I set a minimum of at least three days of consistent messaging.
Not 24/7 - that's a red flag - but relatively frequently.
Meeting up with someone in a rush means you don't know the first thing about them.
Not only will you struggle to find something to talk about, but you're meeting with a stranger.
Get a candid picture of them
Ask the person you're talking to for some pictures of them IRL. You want to get a picture of their face that isn't on their social media profiles. Doing this ensures that they are who they say they are. And it'll help you feel more confident meeting up with them.
Google them
Check out their social media profiles, anything that links back to their name, etc. It may sound kind of creepy, but everyone is online somewhere. Also, make sure they haven't been convicted of a felony while you're there.
Reverse image search
If they're super hot, make sure you do a reverse image search on google. To do this, you upload a picture of them from their profile to see if it shows up anywhere else online.
A popular way for catfishing people to create fake profiles is to mimic a real one. Stealing pictures from Joe's profile and adding them to Damien's is a piece of cake.
By doing a reverse image search, you should be able to tell if they've found somewhere else online.
Get him on the phone
Whether they're voice notes, phone calls, or video calls - you want to hear his voice and ideally match it to his face. Even if it's just for a few minutes, ask if you can talk to him.
The easiest way to test the water for potential danger is to straight-up tell them what you're doing.
Something like
"Hey, I'm really looking forward to meeting you in person soon. But, before we do, can we hop on a quick video call just so I can make sure you are who you say you are?"
Someone who respects your safety and boundaries will completely understand and be open to hopping on a call. If someone is offended and refuses, well, then you have your answer.
Bonus: Ask your friend's opinion
Have a second pair of eyes flip through your potential mate's profile and look for red flags. This is helpful in 2 ways:
Your friend may notice red flags you didn't
Your friend will know the detail of your relationship with this person before you meet up with them
There are tons of other options for keeping yourself safe online. These are some fundamental ways you can spot time-wasters and life-suckers while dating online.
Getting ready for your first date together
If your potential match has satisfied at least ⅘ above criteria - you can move on to planning the first date. While it's the "gender norm" for the guy to pick the place - keep the power in your court and play it safe.
Some essential safety tips for that first in-person meet up are:
Have potential places in mind
Offer two potential places as meetup locations. These places must be in public and relatively busy - such as a coffee shop, busy shopping center, or restaurant.
When it comes to planning the date, offer up the two places you'd feel the safest meeting. Choose these based on what matches the vibes you two have together. Let him choose between the two but make them your idea.
When you select these places, make sure they're places you've been before and that you feel comfortable in. That's not only for your safety but for your ability to relax and have fun on the date.
Meet in public and stay in public
For the first few dates, it's about being around other people who could help you in a dangerous situation.
When you're in public, you have witnesses and people who could potentially help you if you're in a scary circumstance.
Imagine if your date puts something in your drink while you're in the bathroom.
Odds are a stranger will see it and tell you.
Stay safe and meet somewhere busy and public, like a restaurant, coffee shop, or a busy park.
Wear comfortable clothes and shoes
Yes, the first date may be nerve-wracking, and you want to look and feel your best. But, odds are your stilettos aren't your comfiest or most reliable pair of shoes, right? The idea of a new guy carrying you around on your first date is pretty far-fetched anyway. So opt for something with little to no heel and that you feel comfortable in.
It'll make you a better judge of height, and it means that if you have to get somewhere fast, you'll be able to.
The same goes for the clothes - of course, you'll look fabulous no matter what but don't wear your best dress on your first outing. You want to be comfortable and casual. Don't give the guy the impression that he's already the center of your universe. Set a reasonable, safe, and fashionable bar for yourself.
Be in control of your transportation
Drive yourself if possible. If not possible, make sure you know how you're getting home without your date's help. If you're relying on your date and things don't go well, then where are you? Not in a good situation.
Know your options with driving apps, trains, buses, whatever you've got to do to get home safely and without their help. Or if your date offers to pick you up. Guess what? They now know where you live, and you're without a car. You're also stuck going wherever they feel like driving, putting you at a massive disadvantage.
Tell people where you're going and who with
If you're going on a first date, share the person's profile with a close friend. Tell them exactly your plans, where you're meeting, and how long you'll think you'll be. Some other ways to rely on a friend for safety are:
Ask them to pick you up after the date. That way, they get a good look at the suitor, you're in control of your transportation, and you have an emergency exit if the need arises
Choose some specific safe dating words for these occasions:
Tell your friend to check in at certain times - that way, you know when to check your phone (so you're into that guy), and you always have a safe escape coming
Establish code words that only you two know for these situations
"Things are going great!"
"I'm feeling uneasy - find me a way out."
"I'm in danger, help."
"Call the ****ing police."
Set up specific questions that only your friend would know the answers to confirm their identity. These could be around inside jokes, holidays you've gone on together, or something you haven't texted about before.
Make sure your friend is equipped with as many identifying details about your potential partner as possible. Also, what to do in a real emergency and who you should contact. It may sound over the top, it likely is. But better safe than sorry.
For more online dating saetey tips, resources, and advice check out the Helping Survivors of Sexual Abuse & Assault website here!
Why people get dating coaches
That all sounds like a lot, doesn't it?
That's why more and more people are opting for dating coaches these days. Navigating the dating world is challenging at the best of times. Make your life a little easier by getting the help and education you deserve. Get in contact with me today to start making the search for love a bit easier.
“Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves even when we risk disappointing others.”
— Brené Brown
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