The Secret to a Healthy Relationship? Never stop dating your partner
If you've struggled in your relationships before, you've likely come across the rule of "keep dating." But what does that mean? It's exactly what it sounds like. Just because you're living together or even married doesn't mean that you can let go of all romance. Over time, it can be easy to lose sight of the things that shaped who you are as a couple. Learning to continue to date your partner is crucial for long-term happiness and sexual health. It can help reignite a spark you both have long since forgotten. It's about spending time together and prioritizing your relationship. Spending quality (not necessarily quantity) time together is essential to you both.
While long-term relationships are challenging, that doesn't mean that you're not up to the challenge. With the right relationship tools in your healthy relationship toolbox, you'll be well-equipped to last in the long run.
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What does 'keep dating' mean?
"Keep dating" means that you continue to date your partner.
You continue to show your partner that you're that same person you were when you first fell in love. You're still the one that opens doors, that enjoys nice restaurants, and the one who listens to what your loved one wants.
Think about when someone mentions the words "dating." You likely remember what it was like when you first met your partner. The coffee shop outings, the butterflies, and the thrill of it all. Those hazy but warm memories may help remind you of why you fell in love with your partner in the first place.
That's the essence of the "keep dating" rule. The length of a relationship doesn't mean your partner deserves to be celebrated less. In fact, it should mean they deserve more celebration.
Some people start to resent their partner because you no longer do any of those things. Your date nights are spent in your pajamas on the couch watching reruns of old sitcoms.
While that may feel comfortable and be part of your routine, it can easily be a killer of relationships.
As human beings, we crave mystery, spontaneity, and new experiences. Incorporating those items in your relationship as the months and years pass is critical for long-term happiness.
One of the most common reasons people fall out of love is that they pretend to be different people when they first meet.
Why do relationships get boring?
When you first meet someone, you're on your best behavior.
You're trying to stand out from the crowd of other competitors in the relationship game.
In that rush to the finish line, you likely pulled out all the stops. You were dressing up, keeping your home tidy, going out, and doing fun things together. Those initial days of showing that you're a great partner set up some expectations.
What you've done is set a very high and unforgettable standard. Your partner thinks they know the real you when they only know the best version of you in reality.
When you stop putting effort and begin to relax, you may stop treating yourself and your partner the same.
This shift leads to disappointment and even breakups. You sold something that you didn't even have to sell. You sold a false reality that you cannot maintain in the long run.
There's nothing wrong with being your best self during the courting phase. But there is something wrong with leaving that version of yourself entirely in the past.
How to talk to your partner about dating
There isn't a single cut-and-fast rule about how you keep dating your partner or spouse.
Your version of dating is likely different from the next person's.
The easiest way to keep dating your partner is to make it a team effort.
Take turns planning different dates and outings, and make sure you schedule it together.
It may be once a week, or at least once a month, that you do something special. But if only one person is putting in any effort, you'll likely experience some resentment.
If you want to tell your partner you want to date again, then make it a conversation. Remember that you're a team working on something together. Share with your partner that you want to bring a little romance back in and that it doesn't have to be high-end everything. It's about building experiential intimacy - sharing unique moments and creating new heartwarming memories over time.
It isn't about spending a ton of money or demanding all their attention. It's about showing that you're both still a core priority and that your time together is meaningful.
Date night idea exercise
The act of continuing to date will need to be a team effort where you both come up with ideas. What I usually have clients do is a straightforward exercise:
Take about 5-10 minutes away from each other.
Create a list of activities that you want to do with your partner.
Remember, they should be things you like, not only something you think your partner would like.
If you're not a little bit selfish, then you'll never get what you want.
But brainstorm as many ideas as possible.
From meals you can do on rainy days, to ones out of the country - to special dinners you want to cook together.
Whatever it is, come up with as many ideas as you can.
Then, share your list with your partner.
You read theirs, and they read yours.
See where yours overlap and discuss why you chose specific ideas.
Then, combine the lists into a master list of date ideas you can reflect on in the future.
That way, when your date night comes up, you have more ideas than you know what to do with!
Some great date night ideas are:
Board game night with pizza delivery
Dinner out at a nice restaurant
Going on on a hike together with a picnic
Visiting a museum together
Dinner and a movie night
Build a Lego set together
The possibilities are endless! Just think about what experiences you'd like to share with your partner and go from there.
Guidelines for dating your partner
Your relationship was once your primary priority - is it still your main priority now?
If the answer is 'no,' that's okay - realize that it needs and deserves to be your priority at least some times.
Building a healthy relationship is challenging. Maintaining one is even more difficult. Keeping intimacy and the fun alive can feel overwhelming. Keep a few in mind, such as:
Communication is everything
Your partner never has been and never will be a mind reader.
Sure, they may be able to select what you'll order on a menu before you've even decided. But they don't know about your deep emotions and needs.
Learning how you and your partner communicate best is going to be your responsibility.
Some people are the best at communicating over text message or email - there's nothing wrong with that!
Do whatever it takes to ensure you and your partner have quality conversations.
Time is never found
Only made - as I always say.
So please don't wait until it's convenient to take your partner on a date. Make it a priority and create time to spend it together.
If you value your partnership and your future together, you have to remind your partner they're your world.
Make time regularly - at least once a month or ideally once a week. A few minutes or a few hours is plenty - make sure your love is your focus.
Share a hobby
Maintaining your independent interests and hobbies outside of your relationship outside
But finding something you and your partner enjoy doing together that's special can help build strong bonds between you both.
It can also make shopping for gifts much more manageable. So try anything!
Video games, puzzles, gardening, BBQing, or racing motorcycles!
Whatever you both enjoy, make an active effort to do those things together more often.
Sex at any age
Your partner is with you for you.
Even if you're focused on your body's imperfections and changes, your partner isn't.
They desire your body and your soul because they're part of you.
Don't be afraid to get a little sexy and keep things hot and heavy at any age and any stage. It could be lingerie, a new sex toy, or just a simple sext! Whatever gets your motors going and makes your partner feel special.
Any kind of date
You can quickly turn errands into a date by pairing a grocery store trip with sampling the new cookie shop downtown. Instead of rushing through the hardware store, sit on some outdoor furniture and take a mental vacation together. Anything that you can make time to go together with that makes you both happy can be considered a date.
Get out of the house
In the wake of the countless COVID lockdowns, staying home may seem like the only option you have left.
But getting out of the house and getting dressed up has something that helps keep relationships spicy and alive.
Breathe some fresh air into your relationship with your partner by getting out of the house.
Get out of the town, book an Airbnb in the woods or a hotel downtown.
Whatever it takes to get out of the house and into a new context can bring parts of your relationship back to life.
Why you need a relationship coach
Dating was hard enough the first time.
Why would you want to do that again?
Well, it's dating without the worry or concern about impressing anyone.
You get to be exactly who you are with your partner and let your hair down. But, doing this isn't easy for everyone. Maybe your partner is extraordinarily frugal or lacks the energy.
Communicating your needs to someone who isn't willing to budge is a challenge. It's up to you to decide when you need help. If you're less than happy with the state of your relationship, then reach out for help. You don't need to do everything by yourself. If you're ready to make your relationship happiness a priority again, get in contact with me today.
“In my opinion, the best thing you can do is find someone who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you.”
—J.K. Simmons
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