What is Intimacy? Meaning, types, examples, and more
Intimacy is the closeness you feel with other people in your relationships. Intimacy is much more than just sex and sexual pleasure. Intimacy is built-in friendships with family members and with romantic partners. Creating trust, feeling accepted, and having compassion for one another builds intimacy over time.
Intimacy isn't built overnight. It is a long-term commitment to another person. It happens by being vulnerable and sharing experiences together.
There are five types of intimacy: physical, emotional, intellectual, spiritual, and experiential. To cultivate an authentically intimate relationship, you need all five. It isn't a static part of any relationship. Once it is built, it needs to be maintained through continuous action.
Over time, you may forget how you built intimacy with your friend or partner. Luckily, if the feeling of closeness seems to wane, there are many things you can do to bring it back.
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What is intimacy?
Intimacy is the closeness and trust you feel with other people in your relationship with them.
The more energy and time you invest in that person, intimacy will bloom and form.
Intimacy means different things to different people. Your understanding of intimacy is influenced by your upbringing, love languages, and more.
The five types of intimacy
Intimacy is built around much more than intimate touch. Take all forms of intimacy into account.
You should incorporate different activities into your relationships to help bring you closer to your partner.
Especially in long-term relationships or marriages, you start to focus on one type of intimacy.
Meanwhile, you let the others fall to the wayside.
To bring intimacy back into your life, get creative about how you incorporate it into your life.
Physical intimacy
Physical intimacy is built around touch and being physically close to another person.
For romantic partners, it could be kissing, holding hands, or cuddling. Sex is often a vital form of physical intimacy in couples.
It could be a warm, tight hug or an affectionate pat on the shoulder after a long day for friends.
Examples of physical intimacy:
A couple has dinner together. As they do so, they hold hands on the table and stare longingly into each other's eyes.
As a couple, you have started feeling distant from each other. You plan a night of giving each other massages and having sensual time together to help rebuild it.
A friend has had a terrible week at work. You give them a long, tight hug.
Your friend has a backache. You give them a massage to help ease the pain.
How to increase physical intimacy
To be physically intimate with a person will be different for every person.
Be open about your boundaries around touch.
Discuss your likes and dislikes, and offer touch whenever you feel comfortable.
In a relationship, if physical touch seems like it is too far gone.
Start with small steps like holding hands, lying near each other in bed, or sharing a cuddle on the couch.
Non-sexual intimate touch is often a crucial part of having a physically intimate relationship.
Emotional intimacy
Emotional intimacy is one of the most critical forms of intimacy. Emotional intimacy is all about sharing your honest thoughts and feelings. Being able to share who you are and your deepest desires with another person brings you closer together.
Feeling safe and comfortable with this type of authentic, vulnerable expression builds additional trust. You know they won't judge you for sharing what is on your mind and heart.
Examples of emotional intimacy:
You've had an awful day at work. You call up your best friend and ask them if you can vent about your coworker. During the call, your friend listens intently. They ask you follow-up questions, and let you safely express your entire range of emotions.
You're talking about your childhood with your friend. You open up about how you were bullied about your weight as a child. Your friend offers emotional support and takes your past trauma seriously.
You and your partner have a long conversation about what you both want out of your relationship. You take time to listen and to be heard. While you're aware that this is a serious conversation, you feel safe having it. By the end of the conversation, you feel closer together.
You're unhappy in your current job. You talk to your partner about taking a risk and starting a business you've always dreamed of having. Your partner is openly supportive. They encourage you to open up about your dream, and help you make a plan for your next steps together.
You feel uncomfortable with the amount of time your spouse spends at the office with a particular colleague. Rather than letting the negativity and worry build-up, you express your feelings to your partner. They listen attentively and are willing to help make a plan so they can spend more time with you.
How to increase emotional intimacy
Try engaging in more profound and honest conversations with your friend or partner. Usually, showing your vulnerability will help the other person to do the same. Talk about dreams, experiences, or emotions. Things you don't typically share with other people can help invite someone else to do the same. Be accepting of what others feel and invite them to feel safe in your company.
Intellectual intimacy
Intellectual intimacy is being comfortable sharing your viewpoints and beliefs without fear of judgment.
These could be political, value-oriented, or philosophical.
Regardless, you feel safe telling the other person what you believe and inviting them to share their feelings.
Even if you disagree, being interested in others' opinions can create stimulating conversations.
When you know that your feelings will be respected you invite a new kind of intimacy into your relationship.
Examples of intellectual intimacy:
Your friend thinks that one actor who played Spider-Man was better than your favorite. You have a spirited debate about who played Spider-Man better and why. While you still disagree, you enjoy the conversation and hearing the other person's thoughts about it.
Your partner thinks that university education should be free. You believe that a person should have to invest financially in their future. You discuss the drawbacks of each perspective. While you don't reach a conclusion, you both enjoy the quality conversation. In the end you agree that higher education is essential.
Your friend believes that the royal family are lizard people from another planet. You think they're just regular people who were born with a silver spoon in their mouth. But, you're curious about your friend's idea and ask more about it. Your friend tells you about the lizard people theory, and you listen while poking gentle holes in their argument.
You and your partner watch a historical documentary together. You think that it didn't accurately or fairly depict aboriginal people's experience. You have a debate about the significance of first-hand experience being involved in plot building. Your partner feels that since it wasn't central to the plot, it isn't significant in this circumstance.
How to increase intellectual intimacy
You know things that your friend or partner is interested in, try looking up a few things or reading some books. That way, you can have a thought-provoking conversation with them about something that interests them.
You can also ask your partner or friend to teach you about something they're passionate about. Sharing knowledge with someone you care about can be an intense and fascinating experience. It shows that you care about what is important to them and are willing to learn.
Spiritual intimacy
Spiritual intimacy doesn't necessarily have to do with religion. It is about sharing emotionally significant moments with your partner that help bring you closer together. It may even feel transcendent to share that moment. When things seem to defy explanation or feel deep to us, sharing that emotional moment can build intimacy.
Examples of spiritual intimacy:
While looking for a new home to move into together, you both see a cardboard box fly across an empty room. You share a meaningful look and run out the door together.
You and your friend take a thoughtful walk through a beautiful park together. You both stay relatively silent and enjoy the beauty of everything around you.
You and your friend have a spirited discussion about the meaning of life and death. You both speak openly about your perspectives. You feel like there is a better insight of each other at the end.
You go with your partner to church for a religious service. You find the beauty in the holy text and the rituals.
You and your friend go on a meditation retreat together and share how the silent contemplation has changed you.
How to increase spiritual intimacy
Start by asking your friend or partner about awe-inspiring experiences they've had. These talks can invite new ideas for trying something spiritual or religious with the other person. You can also ask them questions about their beliefs around death, birth, ghosts, or other esoteric topics.
Experiential intimacy
Experiential intimacy is just as it sounds. Sharing experiences, inside jokes together, and trying new things can create a deep bond with another person. Especially things that require teamwork or working towards a shared goal can help bring you closer together.
Later on, certain sights, scents, and words may trigger memories of your time with that person. That is because you built an experiential bond together.
Examples of experiential intimacy:
You need to rebuild the deck in your backyard and ask your friend to help you out. You spend the day putting things together and working as a team. You both feel accomplished at the end of the day.
You've just moved into a new apartment, and you need help unpacking. Your friends show up with a six-pack of beer, and you turn on music as you open up boxes and put things away. You feel grateful for your friends' help, and they share that they enjoyed the experience as well.
You and your partner try a meal kit service together and prepare a meal together. While your partner cuts things for the salad, you work on the stir fry. Making the dish together feels like a team effort.
You're alone in a foreign country and signed up for hang gliding. You're terrified, but the person flying the glider is supportive and patient. Afterward, you share a hug and have dinner together. They may be a stranger, but you've shared an intimate experience with them.
A genuinely intimate romantic relationship incorporates all five forms of intimacy. Each one of them plays an important role in a healthy and intimate relationship.
Forcing the activities on another person won't create intimacy. There are a few key factors that will influence how they impact your relationship together.
Key factors in intimacy in a relationship
Building intimacy isn't always easy. Many factors influence the level of intimacy you can build.
These key factors can make it so that you build or rebuild intimacy quickly or if it takes time.
Trust
To be vulnerable and show who you are, you need to trust the person you're with. Sharing your most embarrassing stories or fears can be a very challenging feat. Showing that you are worth trusting starts with you demonstrating you trust them. Open up little by little. Share honest, personal details. These indicate that you have an authentically intimate connection.
Acceptance
Vulnerability is at the heart of an intimate connection. To be truly vulnerable, you need to know the other person will accept you. In your oddest times of energy highs, or your lowest lows of depression, you are who you are. You need to feel safe in the fact that you're accepted just the way you are.
Compassion
When you've had a bad day and need to talk things out, you want to know your partner will be compassionate. They'll listen to you and let you vent. When they do this, it shows that they care about you and your wellbeing. It is a natural way of building intimacy and trust.
Effective communication
Honest communication is the foundation of any healthy relationship. It is also the key to helping it last. To communicate with another person, you need to hear them, and they need to hear you. During a conversation, listen to the words they're saying rather than waiting for your turn to speak. If you want to learn more communication tips, you can check out my article here.
Intimacy is a slow-building process. It takes time, energy, and effort, but it will be worth the journey. Maintain your focus on becoming closer to another person by being more of yourself. They can start to do the same.
7 ways to build intimacy in your relationship
Rebuilding intimacy can be challenging once its fallen off the list of priorities. You may find yourself saying things like "I already do that," or "I've tried that already." We encourage you to try it differently each time.
Intimacy is cultivated and curated over time. It's much like a plant. It needs water and sunlight to survive, not just once in a while but every day. Try incorporating one or two of these into your routines to help keep the intimacy alive.
1 - Show appreciation
Sometimes a simple "thank you" will suffice. Other times, perhaps you haven't been as appreciative as you could have been. You can try giving small gifts, giving them additional time, a massage, or something else you know they'd like. You can also take the five love languages quiz with your partner. It will tell you how you both understand love. Your results will help you show appreciation in a love language they know.
2 - Learn about each other
Your partner isn't a static personality. Everyone grows and changes daily, even in a relationship. Don't become complacent. Try asking them odd questions, swapping stories, or playing couples video games together. When your partner tells you something about themselves, ask further questions. Be interested, and you'll learn something new.
3 - Create time for each other
As we always say, time is never found, only made. Creating time for each other is a great way to show that the other person is a priority to you. Regular date nights, going to a sports game, or just having a regular movie night. They can all demonstrate that your time together is important to you.
4 - Unplug and focus
In this era, much of your life is spent attached to your phone or other smart devices. Take the time to turn off your phones and simply enjoy each other's company. You can try grabbing an old-fashioned paper map and going for a drive or enjoying a sunset together. Focus on the person you're with, and you'll feel a more intimate connection too.
5 - Show physical affection
Whatever kind of relationship you are in with this person, physical touch is often crucial. It can be a touch on the shoulder, an affectionate hug, a massage, or cuddling. Do it for the sake of enjoyment. Don't try to "achieve" anything. Appreciate how good it feels to touch each other.
6 - Do something together
Do anything that is out of the ordinary! Take on a building project, learn a new skill, take a cooking class, whatever it is, try something new. These kinds of activities help build experiential intimacy. Even if you're no good at what you tried, you'll have a great story to tell together.
7 - Talk about what intimacy means to you
No one is capable of reading your mind. Therefore, they have no idea what is important to you. Ask your friend or partner what intimacy means to them, and give them time to think about it. I always suggests coming up with activities for the two of you to try together and sharing your ideas. That way, you never run out of ideas.
Trying some or all of these will help you feel a more intimate connection with your partner. It won't always happen immediately, but it will add up over time.
For some people, though, it can be challenging to connect with others. This difficulty with connection is often called a fear of intimacy.
To deepen connections with these people, it can take a great deal more time and effort.
A fear of intimacy
A fear of intimacy is far more common than you may think. It can show up differently in each person. It is avoiding intimacy or experiencing anxiety around it.
It may be that you are afraid of showing who you are. Or you may have anxiety around being in a physically close relationship.
You may long for intimacy but find that you push other people away or sabotage relationships. You may not be aware, but you do it to keep yourself safe. These are examples of unstable attachment styles that are often learned in your childhood.
A history of neglect or abuse in your family, friendships, or relationships can cause a fear of intimacy. It usually takes time, patience, and practice to learn how to be intimate with others.
Some signs that you may have a fear of intimacy are:
A fear of commitment
Being Always in relationships but never for long
Sabotaging relationships
Perfectionism or being incredibly critical
Challenges with physical contact
Difficulty expressing your needs and wishes
Avoiding serious topics in your relationships
Extreme difficulty or inability to trust other people
Avoiding spontaneity or anything "outside the plan"
Being afraid of intimacy isn't a death sentence for a relationship or person. It just means you need a little extra support to learn how to be vulnerable and intimate.
Getting help with intimacy
The ability to be intimate with others is a learned skill that takes time to hone. It also will vary and change with every relationship you form. It isn't easy for everyone. It is okay if it isn't easy for you.
If you're afraid of intimacy or feel like you no longer have an intimate connection with your partner or spouse, things can change! You can learn how to be intimate, show who you really are, and feel safe doing so.
If you or your partner are ready to improve your intimate connections, get in contact with me today.
“If you age with somebody, you go through so many roles - you’re lovers, friends, enemies, colleagues, strangers; you’re brother and sister. That’s what intimacy is if you’re with your soulmate.”
-Cate Blanchett
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