How to Initiate Sex? | A Guide for everyone
Initiating sex is a spot of contention in many couples. In an ideal world, all partners would experience sexual desire simultaneously. However, that rarely happens.
It all boils down to sharing a desire for each other and feeling your partner wants you.
Not everyone is comfortable initiating sex, even in a committed relationship. We want to teach you what it might feel like to be your partner and creative ways for you to start initiating sex.
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What it feels like to be the pursuer
One partner is generally unofficially given the responsibility for initiating sex. That may be because they fit the stereotype, such as a cisgendered man initiating with his female partner. It may be because the other partner has a lower libido. Regardless, there are a lot of downsides for just one partner instigating sexual activity:
Feeling rejected and disheartened by repeated attempts to initiate.
Feeling like they aren't desirable because it seems like their partner only accepts their advances rather than having their own desire.
Feeling confused about when they can or should initiate sexual play with their partner.
Feeling like they aren't desirable.
Wanting to give up after repeated rejection.
What it feels like to be the pursued
When one partner assumes the passive role of waiting for their partner to initiate, it also has downsides.
Feeling like a sex object rather than a partner because of continuous attempts to initiate.
Feeling like they're being harassed for sex by their partner.
Feeling anxious because every touch or every look might be misinterpreted as an agreement to have sex.
Feeling like they have to "give in" to their partner's advances to keep them happy.
Annoyance at repeated sexual advances.
As you can see, there are many reasons why it is essential to share the responsibility. If it's one-sided, then there is a high likelihood that all parties are upset to a certain extent.
How can I learn to initiate sex?
There are many reasons why you may not be comfortable openly talking about sex, and that's okay! There are plenty of ways to either get more comfortable or find an alternative that works for you.
Scheduling sex
In long-term sexual relationships, scheduling sex can be one of the best tools in your tool belt. It means that neither partner has to initiate. It's already been agreed upon! Everyone involved can get excited about getting sexy and prepare to make it a memorable experience.
Start the conversation with your partner and mention that:
Figure out a mutually beneficial frequency. One partner may want it three times a week. The other may want it once a month - find a place in the middle to compromise.
Agree only to have sex on scheduled days, so no one feels pressured or rejected.
Potentially make a caveat that the person who doesn't typically initiate can on non-scheduled dates.
Make it an actual date and bring some romance back into your relationship.
Plan and make it fun by getting new toys, lingerie, or just getting a babysitter for the night.
Everyone knows when they're getting laid next, so it takes the question mark out of sexual frequency.
Use silent initiation tactics
For a more introverted or shy person, the thought of initiating sex may be overwhelming. Talk to your partner about your discomfort and find a way to initiate silently. It may be putting a specific scarf out on your sofa, making a special drink, or moving an action figure into your living room. Whatever it is that works for you both and is noticeable.
Take turns
An obvious and easy way to address the pressure to initiate is to agree that you'll take turns. Once one partner starts, you are physically intimate. Then, the other partner takes a turn initiating when they want to—that way, the responsibility is shared.
Steamy messages
Maybe you're uncomfortable speaking about your desire, but you're a Casanova in messages.
Whether it's email, texting, or whatever app you use, you can tell your partner what you want to do to them later.
Or, you can send them something simple like "down to bang later?"
Simple, clear, and gives them something to look forward to!
Give them something to look at
You can sneak away into your bedroom and start masturbating, then call your partner in to discover what you're up to. It'll be a sexy and fun surprise for them, and you'll have plenty of time to get yourself aroused! This tactic is ideal for parents who don't have a lot of time for foreplay. Also, for those who take a while to get themselves going.
Tell your partner exactly what you want
That is, what you want them to do to arouse you.
Maybe it's sneaking up behind you while you're doing the dishes and kissing your neck.
Perhaps it's them coming home with flowers and a pizza after a long day.
Figure out what your sexual communication style is and tell your partner.
The bottom line
Initiating sex, especially in a committed relationship, can feel like a high-stakes game of Battleship. It doesn't have to be that way. If you and your partner are willing to try something new to see if it works for both of you. The most crucial piece here is communicating about it.
If you're struggling with mismatched desire in your relationship, then sex coaching may be a great option for you. Please get in contact with me today to learn more.
“Couples who schedule time to connect with each other have healthier, happier relationships.”
— Christ Kraft, Ph.D.
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