Start Dating for Real | Figure out what you actually want in a partner
Dating can be challenging and confusing. Especially with so many people out there playing the field post-COVID. Looking for someone to hook up with versus someone to spend the rest of your life with are two very different things. But how do you know which one you're looking for? How do you know which dating apps to use? Waste less time and attract the people you want to know by setting some rules and parameters for yourself.
The first step to succeeding in the dating world is to take time to clear your palette and genuinely think.
No asking your friends for advice.
No daydreaming about prince charming or Disney-level romance.
Sit down and be honest with yourself.
All products recommended are personally selected by me, Elaine S. Turner. I choose them and genuinely believe in them. However, this article may contain affiliate links. That means if you use that link to buy a product, I may earn a small affiliate commission, or tip, as I like to see it. You can learn more here if you have any questions about my affiliate policy.
Why do I need to set dating goals?
It can be pretty overwhelming if you're going out into the dating world for the first time or the twentieth.
By narrowing down what types of relationships you're looking for, you'll know:
How to swipe effectively
What types of dates you should go on with that person
And many more things!
It makes everything easier. The hardest part of this is being honest with yourself. If you skip this step, you're more likely to waste time and have your heart broken.
How do I get honest about what I want in a relationship partner?
This is a tricky question, my friend.
I can't speak with you directly, which means I'm writing this for everyone.
Only you know you.
Only you can strip yourself down and speak your truth.
To speak your truth, you're going to have to go through what I call the "Cleanin' out my closet" phase.
That involves some grunt work.
Ask yourself a few questions and make a plan.
What are things I genuinely enjoy doing by myself?
Make a list of things you like doing alone that feed your soul. As a challenge, you can put stuff on there that you've wanted to try out, and you can't find anyone to go with you.
Do these things as if you were going on a date with someone else. But, you'll just be taking yourself on a date.
Spending time alone out in the world will help you get a better perspective on your thoughts and feelings.
Doing this will make this process a lot easier.
Now, don't just do one thing on one weekend or five things on one day and expect to have an epiphany.
While it's possible, it isn't probable.
Spending time with yourself should be a regular activity. Spending time alone regularly can boost your self-confidence. It can also help prepare you to get back in the field.
What feelings does my living space inspire?
It's called 'cleaning out your closet' for genuinely literal reasons. You're going to go through your closet and find items that spark joy in you, as Marie Kondo likes to put it. These items will help awaken your connection with yourself. They can also help you get honest about your identity and your past. Getting clear on those can help point you in the right direction moving forward. If you have many items that don't inspire joy, get rid of them.
Am I the person I want to be?
You'll likely never be 100% happy and satisfied with all aspects of who you are.
That's, unfortunately, part of human nature. But, you can target areas where you know you want to work on and get started!
Set small, achievable goals in one place at a time to help you build up to the person you want to be.
Being that person will help you attract the right type of person in your romantic life.
There are about a million other things to add to this list.
But, you'll have to wait for my big announcement coming up later this year to get that entire list.
What do I want in a romantic relationship partner?
Now, to the meat of it all, what you came for.
Finding out what you want in a romantic relationship partner can be challenging. First, you need to identify which areas in a relationship are most important. Eliminating the noise and focusing on what is essential. This focus is a significant first step towards finding out what you want in a relationship.
I can't tell you whether you should look for someone with opposite qualities as you or overlapping ones. Only time can tell.
For a real, lasting adult relationship to thrive, you need these things from yourself and your partner:
Consistent and open communication
A willingness to work on your problems as an individual and as a couple
The ability to speak openly about your past and how you've become who you are today
A sense of humor and the ability to be authentic around each other
A mutual desire to be together and put in the effort
The willingness to be emotionally supportive and validating for your partner
A similar sense of romance and openness to all types of intimacy
Compassion and forgiveness
Shared goals that resonate with both of you
Think over those items, and consider where you've fallen in the past. Contemplate if you've ever had a partner fulfill all those items.
Now that you're aware of the fundamentals, let's move on to targeting your sense of honesty.
What do I want in a romantic relationship partner questions
This could be a list that runs on for far too long. Again, you can get that whole experience later on in 2023.
In this exercise, you have a few questions to consider. These will guide you towards narrowing down what you're looking for in a romantic partner.
1 - How much time am I willing to make for a romantic partner?
Time is never found, only made, as we always say.
For the right person, you'll always be able to take some time.
If you're in a place in life where you're unwilling to compromise about the way your hours are spent, be honest about that!
If you don't have time, then perhaps a casual relationship, FWB, or a hookup is more what you're after.
If you don't have a lot of time and want a lasting commitment, where can you create more flexibility?
2 - How much time can I devote to finding someone?
You can do this weekly or monthly, but it's better to be consistent than binge with things like dating apps.
When you download the apps, it's tempting to swipe right on everyone and watch your matches stack up.
The problem with this is that you're not reading the profiles and are caring about the person.
So you never know who you'll wind up talking to and who will slip between the cracks.
If you're willing to devote a few hours a week to talk to people online, then you're off to a pretty good start.
3 - Am I emotionally available?
It's okay if you're in a place where you're not emotionally available.
It happens to everyone from time to time.
If you're in a growth stage of self-reflection, adding someone else into the mix won't be ideal.
Transitional states can often be our most exciting time to meet people.
They can also end up in heartbreak for many.
The whole reason you have transitional stages is to change.
Therefore, your desires and motivations will change, which will inherently change the relationship's dynamic.
So, save yourself time and be honest about whether you're emotionally ready to give your great to someone else.
4 - What are my boundaries?
Setting boundaries around yourself and a potential partnership are essential in getting honest.
You need to consider where you're willing to let someone in and where you're not.
There is nothing wrong with keeping and maintaining boundaries.
If Thursday nights are your flying solo and binge-watching TV night, you shouldn't have to give that up!
Brainstorm what you'd be willing to compromise on and what you're not ready to compromise on.
5 - How do I want to feel for someone?
Do you desire to be in love because you genuinely want that connection and devotion?
Do you want that risk?
Or are you focused on just that first butterflies-in-the-stomach stage?
Or are you after a creaming-your-pants and dripping with anticipation kind of connection?
Nothing wrong with any of them or anything similar.
But, how you desire to feel will be a critical indicator of what you're looking for.
These five questions should give you a solid start on your journey to find a notable (or casual) connection. There are no right or wrong answers here - all you're trying to do is be honest with yourself and your stage in life.
Not everyone is cut out for long-term, monogamous relationships or even marriage. That's perfectly okay! If you're unsure about what type of relationship is right for you, get in contact with me today.
Don't waste your time on apps when you're filled with uncertainty. All it does is get other people hurt. Get yourself focused and clear, so you can start dating intentionally.
How a dating coach can help you
Dating is hard, especially when you've got a million other priorities that demand your attention. If you're looking to date to find someone special, someone, you want to, potentially, build a life with. Then getting a dating coach can help you start on the right foot.
Get more comfortable in your body and experience true confidence as you've never experienced. By focusing your attention on the specific areas, you will create a path of lasting love.
“Not I, nor anyone else can travel that road for you. You must travel it by yourself. It is not far. it is within reach.”
— Walt Witman
Want to learn more about sex, dating, and relationships?
Keep reading!
Do you want to contribute to the Sex With Elaine blog?
SEND ME AN EMAIL!
Enjoy this article?
THEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM!
Never miss another helpful tip.
