How to Get Space in Your Relationship: Differentiation of self - what it is, why you need it, and how to get it
Relationships can be amazing things. Your partner can be supportive, fun, and your best friend. But on the other end of the spectrum, what happens when you get too close? What happens when you become a singular item and can't get any space for yourself? Resentment builds. Being too close to your partner can actually be a bad thing. I know it sounds counterintuitive, but hear me out. Relationships aren't two halves coming together. They're two whole individuals choosing to be together. They're meant to be complementary, not complete you. You're complete on your own. But this fusion does happen. That's why differentiation of self in relationships is crucial for long-term happiness and success. When you have a little part of your shared life carved out for yourself, you'll actually get closer to your partner. Let me tell you how!
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What is differentiation of self?
Differentiation of self is when you see yourself as an entirely separate person within a relationship.
You know your likes and dislikes are different from your partner's.
You still do and enjoy doing things by yourself.
You're still secure in your opinions and decisions without your partner being present.
For some people, that may sound like a tall order.
When we start relationships, especially during the "honeymoon" phase, we constantly want to be around our partners. It feels like part of your heart is missing when we're not.
But as time wears on, sharing of every single experience becomes enmeshment.
Enmeshment is where you can't tell where the relationship ends, and you begin.
You start to question your identity and your personality morphs into a Brangelina situation.
That isn't something you want.
If you've become enmeshed with your partner, don't worry!
It happens a lot.
It's hard to be away from the one you love.
But you can start getting a little more space, building that differentiation of self in little ways. Creating just enough room for you to breathe and explore your identity within your relationship.
Why is differentiation of self important?
Your identity is essential, regardless of the other people in your life.
Identity is something that is constantly growing, adapting, and changing with each day that passes.
We feel safe exploring ourselves and our identity when we're in healthy relationships.
When relationships are on the edge of being overbearing or even toxic, you can feel like you've lost yourself.
When you create space in a relationship for a bit of mystery, your sex life will also improve! As Homo sapiens, we crave novelty and mystery. It's just the way we're programmed.
You'll see huge benefits when you start doing more of your own thing.
You'll become a curiosity again!
Also, you'll build more self-confidence, which always translates into better sex.
Be curious about yourself and keep evolving.
That's what good relationships do. They make you into a better version of yourself.
They support you and foster your emotional, mental, and intellectual growth. All without creating animosity or jealousy.
What are the benefits of differentiation of self?
Differentiation of self within a relationship has many benefits for you and your partner. It's about creating a healthy medium between alone and shared time.
It's not about breaking up or becoming strangers.
You can do it with small steps at a time.
If you need further convincing that this is a conversation worth having, here are a few benefits:
Better sex
When you're enmeshed, sex may be part of your routine. Or perhaps it's gotten boring. When you have space to explore yourself in your relationship and masturbate on your own, you'll learn new things about yourself. It'll also create some of that distance-make-the-heart-grow-fonder energy. That natural curiosity and the opportunity to miss each other equate to better sex.
More self-confidence
When you start pursuing things that light your fire, your soul will follow. Following passions, hobbies, and what you're into all equates to trusting yourself more. That sense of self-trust and personal reliability will turn into confidence. You know that you're separate from your partner, and there's comfort in that.
It can bring you closer together
When you have that bit of space, it allows you to be curious and learn more about the other person. When you spend all your time together, you're finishing sentences, you know about their day, and the conversation dies. When you start doing more things apart, you'll have more to talk about. They can ask you about your experiences, and you can even teach them a new skill you've picked up.
Your relationship will last longer
Even couples in retirement homes together after 50+ years do things without one another. That's because they understand and cherish their partner for who they are as an individual. After all, your partner fell in love with who you were by yourself. Therefore, reason stands that they can fall further in love with you as you continue to evolve.
When you see your partner grow and prosper, things change for the better. Your relationship will develop a new fire that is hard to replace. You can keep falling in love over and over again as you continue to grow together.
The healthiest relationships strike a balance between partnered and alone time.
That's because you're two adults who deserve your own space and alone time. There is nothing selfish about fostering a healthier relationship with yourself and your partner.
How do I talk to my partner about getting space?
This can be a touchy conversation. Some people hear that their partner wants space, making them panic, thinking a breakup is on the horizon. So treat this conversation with curiosity and patience. It may happen a few times before it hits home.
Here are a few tips for making this conversation go smoothly:
Set the tone
Tell your partner you want to talk about how you'd like to improve yourself. Also, how much you appreciate their support. You can maintain a positive tone when you focus on how this will benefit you. However, ensure you continually reassure them that this has nothing negative to do with the relationship. You want to pursue hobbies and passions by yourself. There's nothing wrong with that.
Focus on "I" statements
When you make the conversation about your self-exploration, it can help your partner understand it's essential. Focus on how you want to still grow the relationship together, but you always want to try other things. Things your partner may not be into. There's nothing wrong with being separate people!
Explain it's a two-way street
Tell your partner you want them to go out and pursue their hobbies and passions! This isn't all about you. It's about the relationship and growing together. Also, after you do your separate things, you can come together and have something new and exciting to discuss!
Let them think and ask questions
When you bring this up to your partner, remind them it's an open conversation you can keep having. They may be freaked out or worried and forget to ask questions about what they want to do. That's okay! Keep talking about it. Hopefully, you'll inspire them, too!
You know your partner well, so frame it to reflect you as a couple. You also don't have to make this a face-to-face conversation! You can always make it a text or email situation that's more comfortable for you. Face-to-face would be ideal so they can see the honesty in your eyes. But the ball is in your court!
Okay, now what?
Now that you've had the conversation and it's gone over well, where do you start?
Start small when you're coming from an enmeshed relationship.
Go for an evening walk or grab a coffee with friends (and without your partner.)
These small outings will help you feel more comfortable and build up confidence when you're not attached at the hip.
There are a few things I recommend to clients as ways to increase their feeling of differentiation of self:
Join a club - Whether a book club or a hobby group, it can be supportive to be there with others on their own. Many hobby classes will be people flying solo as well. So the bonus, besides learning a new skill, is that you might make new friends!
Pursue a hobby - Just because you're trying to get space in a relationship doesn't mean you even have to leave the house. You can spend your evenings in separate rooms doing your own thing. Maybe you're really into knitting, great! Just do that in the other room. If you want to start a podcast, you can do that in your house! These are easy ways to begin creating space without creating a barrier.
Exercising - If you're anything like me, you'd rather exercise alone. So spend more time exercising alone without your partner nearby or exercising with you. You can do your own thing while getting that endorphin high!
Create a space for yourself - Many couples share every aspect of their homes and lives together. That's okay, but it can be massively beneficial to have just one area that is only yours. If you have the space, it could be a corner, a special chair, or even a whole room. Carve it out, claim it as yours, and fill it with things that make your heart sing! Old photos, collections, hobby items, whatever feels good to you! It's your space where you can do what you want.
The main thing here is to take small steps before you go away on a month-long holiday with friends. You're trying to build up confidence and trust when you're apart. Enmeshed couples can take a few months or even years to get these things down. So be patient with yourself, your partner, and your relationship. You'll get there so long as you make it a priority.
Conclusion
Differentiation of self is when you have a healthy space within your relationship with your partner. You both get to cherish your moments together but still grow as individuals.
Amazing things happen when you celebrate who you are and take the time to get to know yourself. So take small steps and create a little room for growth in your relationship today.
If you want more space in your relationship and are overwhelmed with where to start, I can help. This is a typical portion of my relationship coaching sessions. Couples forget what it's like to be apart and may feel insecure without their partner at their side. That's okay! You can start no matter how long it's been since you've been apart. I'm here to help you negotiate that. Let's get started now.
“Make sure of this one thing: that the person you choose to stay with is someone you do not have to shrink yourself for, cut yourself into smaller pieces for, minimize yourself for. Do not ever, ever, ever stay with someone for whom you need to less than! The person who is meant for you will call you into higher parts of yourself, encouraging you to rise, to soar higher.”
— C. JoyBell
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