Examples of Gaslighting in a Relationship - Types and signs of gaslighting
Whether you're in a new relationship, or you've been in one for years, gaslighting doesn't go away. It's a subtle form of manipulation that will leave you questioning your version of reality. When you are aware of examples of gaslighting in a relationship, you can shut it down.
Gaslighting is typical behavior of those obsessed with being in control of their life's narrative. Stop feeding into their narcissistic version of reality. There's nothing wrong with you. It's a form of abuse.
Learning what it is, how to identify it, and the signs that you're being gaslighted can only help you.
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What is gaslighting?
According to Oxford Languages, to gaslight means "manipulate (someone) by psychological means into doubting their own sanity."
It's a form of psychological abuse where your partner makes you question your memories, perception of reality, and sanity.
A person is trying to gain control over you through subtle hints or outright lies.
They're breaking down your self-trust and increasing your dependence on your partner.
During the "honeymoon" period in a relationship, the signs of gaslighting are likely challenging to spot.
That's part of why you may find yourself in a relationship for years before noticing this toxic behavior.
Types of gaslighting behavior
I've had far too much experience with gaslighting in my life.
It isn't always easy to spot. Keep your eyes and ears peeled for certain types of gaslighting behavior and keep a log of it. That way, your intimate partner can't make you question reality.
A few different types of gaslighting behavior can help you identify trends.
Minimizing your thoughts and feelings
Likely this is the gaslighting behavior you'll notice the most.
Your partner may trivialize your emotions and feelings to gain power over you.
Everything that genuinely is a big deal they minimize.
They tell you you're overreacting or saying things like, "why are you so sensitive all the time?"
These attempts at minimizing your feelings and thoughts is a way for them to control you.
They make you believe your reaction is the issue rather than their behavior.
Lying
Those who are guilty of gaslighting are often habitual or even pathological liars. Your partner may change their stories, blatantly tell you lies, or refuse to back down from a lie you've called them out on.
These are also common traits in narcissistic people. They're trying to control the narrative of their life to suit their view of themselves.
Common phrases you'll hear from a partner who is gaslighting you are "that's not how it happened" or "you're making that up!"
Discrediting you
People who gaslight are trying to shine a perfect light on themselves. They're making themselves the storyteller and truth-sharer.
What's the easiest way to control a story?
Be the one telling the story.
Your partner may deliberately spread rumors about you to friends, family, and colleagues. Often, they'll do it through a lens of "care." They'll tell loved ones they're worried about you, that you're emotionally unstable and losing your grip on reality.
A gaslighter will do this to make sure that no one believes your stories or version of the truth. They're trying to control other people's perceptions of you.
Shifting blame
This old hat is a common gaslighting technique. Blame is always a focus for those who engage in gaslighting behavior. No matter what is in question, they find a way to make it your fault and the source of the conflict.
Examples of gaslighting in relationships that involve shifting blame like, "if you did that differently, we wouldn't be here!" Or "I only flirted with that girl because you never pay attention to me!"
Even if you're holding physical proof of some kind, it's still your fault that he did what he did.
Weaponizing compassion
In our relationships, we seek compassion and empathy from our partners. That's something a high-quality partner should provide you. But for a person who is gaslighting you, they use loving words and phrases to smooth things over. They know what you want to hear but are completely inauthentic in what they say.
Examples of weaponizing compassion include things such as "I would never hurt you on purpose, you know I love you." Or "does that sound like something a man in love with you would do?" They're preying on your desire to feel loved and comforted and using it to manipulate you.
Rewriting history
No matter the type of story, they're telling it in a light that benefits them somehow. They twist true narratives to make themselves the hero, savior, or victim.
For example, you hear your partner on the phone in the next room with a woman. But when you confront him, he tells you it's a voicemail from months ago. Regardless of whether you heard the back-and-forth of the conversation, you're questioning whether you heard what you heard.
By doing this, again, your partner is in control of your version of reality.
Gaslighters will do whatever it takes to make you feel unheard and unseen. They're doing that to isolate you and strip away your strength, so they're in control of the narrative. Your partner is gaslighting you so they can do whatever they want without consequence. When they control your perception of reality, they can do whatever they want and never be at fault.
Signs your partner is gaslighting you
If you've made it this far in the article, these examples of gaslighting in a relationship likely hit home. If you're unsure if you're being gaslighted in your relationship, reflect on how you feel and your inner voice.
Some signs that gaslighting is happening in your relationship are:
You doubt your reality - you convince yourself that your partner isn't mistreating you and that you're misremembering things or benign paranoid.
You doubt your feelings - You're being too sensitive, and you're just acting in an emotionally extreme way because you love your partner.
You're confused - your partner is loving and compassionate one minute, then criticizing and blaming you the next.
You're doubting your self-worth - insecurity and vulnerability in your relationship leave you lacking self-esteem and self-confidence.
You feel inadequate - if only you could change, you'd be enough for your partner and make them happy.
You're constantly apologizing - Most of your conversations, if not all, end with you being sorry to your partner rather than coming to a shared consensus.
You struggle to make decisions without your partner - You'd instead let the gaslighting partner make decisions for you because you don't trust yourself.
If you're feeling this way in your relationship, your partner has likely been gaslighting you for a while. They're trying to tear down your sense of self-trust so that they can control you and your relationship together.
Examples of gaslighting in a relationship
You may not notice it when you're in a relationship where gaslighting has been happening for a while. It's become a normalized version of reality. These examples of gaslighting in relationships can help you identify these toxic behaviors and call a spade a spade.
Maybe your partner has said these exact phrases or some version of them. I plead with you to keep an actual log of these triggering phrases. That way, they can't question your version of reality.
You're always so dramatic about everything.
That's not what happened.
You're the one making a big deal out of nothing.
Your memory is terrible. That's why you never remember things clearly.
You're just being paranoid.
You're totally delusional.
You're so selfish. Why won't you do this for me?
You've been reading//watching/listening to too much stupid stuff.
You're acting crazy.
You're being insane, you know that, don't you?
You're so sensitive!
You're making that up.
Calm down. You're overreacting.
You made me do that!
You're imagining things.
You're always so ungrateful.
You're always making things up. That's why no one believes you.
That's not how you really feel.
Maybe it's your romantic partner saying these things to you, or perhaps it reminds you of your parents. If you feel like gaslighting is a trend in your life, you're likely trying to replicate an early relationship. Perhaps with your parents, a teacher, or a first heartbreak. We're trying to fix the past by reliving the same patterns and making up for our perceived shortcomings.
Stop the abusive cycle and believe in yourself. You're more than what your partner is making you feel.
What to do if you're being gaslighted in your relationship
Relationships often start out beautiful and full of love bombing. Your partner did this so that they have a basis to reflect back on when they later step out of line. They probably call back to the first few months of your relationship and say, "remember how I did that for you? That means you should do this for me now!"
Having a basis of positive emotional memories somehow gives them the license to do what they want. You don't deserve that. You deserve only the best out of any relationship.
If your partner is gaslighting you, you can do a few things to stop the behavior.
Keep a private log of your life - write down things you and your partner do and the surrounding events. When you have a solid basis to reflect on, it can help you notice their toxic patterns. It also means you can call them out on their bullshit easily.
Save the evidence - Since gaslighting is making you question your perception of reality, save things that remind you of reality. Save text messages, movie stubs, and keep a log of bills. That way, you have something to fall back on when you doubt yourself.
Set boundaries - strong lines between acceptable behavior and what isn't can help you immensely. Make it clear to yourself and your gaslighting partner what you will accept and want. Only take this step if you feel safe to do so, though.
Get an outsider's perspective - Talk to someone you trust about what you're experiencing. Ideally, a person who your partner hasn't poisoned with lies. Hearing another person's objective opinion may help you make sense of your circumstances.
Speak with a professional - a relationship coach or therapist can help you realize the toxic behaviors and remind you of your sanity. They can also teach you powerful skills and healthy coping mechanisms to help you through this tumultuous time.
Get the fuck out - Emotional abuse is genuine. Maybe your partner hasn't raised a hand to you yet, but they might in the future. These things have a way of intensifying over time. Take the steps you need to be ready to leave and get to a safe place. Don't feel pressured to see them again after you left for any reason. Your safety needs to be your priority.
Whatever you choose to do, always keep your safety a top priority.
Often, we feel pressured into ending relationships in person because we feel like we owe the person.
In reality, you don't owe that person anything if you're being gaslighted. You owe yourself everything.
So if you have to dump an abusive gaslighter, do it over text once you've got everything out of the house.
You don't owe him shit.
Gaslighting and relationship coaching
Gaslighting and other forms of emotional abuse may remain subtle for years. If you've heard even a few of these examples of gaslighting in a relationship, it's worth getting outside help.
In relationship coaching, I can help you spot toxic behaviors and develop a plan for the future. We can identify why they're gaslighting you through a series of 1:1 meetings or as a couple. We can put together a plan to either help you get out or help your partner change their behavior. You deserve the best, and if your partner makes you feel less, you can get help. You're not alone, and support is here. Contact me today if you want to talk about gaslighting in your relationship.
“Narcissists are consumed with maintaining a shallow false self to others. They’re emotionally crippled souls that are addicted to attention. because of this, they use a multitude of games, in order to receive adoration. sadly, they are the most ungodly of God’s creations because they don’t show remorse for their actions, take steps to make amends, or have empathy for others. They are morally bankrupt.”
— Shannon L. Alder
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