Communication is critical to the health of any relationship. Often, communication starts off as idyllic and healthy. Over time, it can break down and become strained; that's why you're here, right? If you and your partner are struggling with a lack of communication, you both must take steps to address the issue at hand. What is your overall goal? Improving your communication skills one day at a time. I will take you on a journey to fix the lack of communication in a relationship in this easy-to-understand guide.

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Why communication is important

They say trust is the base of all good relationships, and trust only comes with excellent communication. Communication allows you and your partner to connect, learn about each other, and ask for what you want and need.

With communication, you may feel connected, satisfied, and supported by your relationship. 

Learning or relearning how to communicate with your partner takes time, energy, and effort, but they will all pay off.

When you and your partner feel you're on different pages, parenting, dates, and sex are challenging and often unrewarding. 

In a healthy relationship, you support each other, celebrate together, and problem-solve together. Doing those things makes you a team. And even the strongest teams need moments to reconnect and relax.

But how can you relax around your partner if you're not communicating?

You'll be sitting on the couch, tense and unable to shut off the unhelpful mental dialogue.

Signs of lack of communication in a relationship

When a relationship lacks healthy communication, it has a way of showing in little things, like speech patterns and body language. The ability to identify that you're having communication issues is a powerful way to get started.

You'll have actually identified the core issue! 

Some signs of a lack of communication in a relationship are: 

• Passive-aggressive behaviors like giving the silent treatment or saying "everything's fine" in that tone that I know you know.

• Using aggressive speech patterns like yelling, blaming, criticizing your partner, or taking over every conversation.

• Avoiding conflict entirely. While some ways of avoiding conflict are healthy, avoiding challenging conversations entirely builds negative feelings like disappointment, hurt, and resentment.

• Dredging up mistakes of the past in arguments.

• Rolling your eyes, checking your phone in a conversation, or putting on your headphones are all disrespectful nonverbal behaviors. These indicate a more significant communication issue.

• Using sarcasm or even playful insults while having a discussion is inappropriate behavior. It may seem to you like a harmless joke, but in a high-pressure situation, it may just be the breaking point for your partner.

It's okay if these happen once in a while. But when they happen all the time, they're indicators of something deeper at play. When you struggle with a lack of communication with your partner, the rest of your relationship will suffer.

Step 1: Work through your feelings first

You've figured out that there is an issue in your relationship. Great, now that you know, have you spoken to your partner about it?

Do they know that this is an issue?

If you don't tell them it's an issue, how are they supposed to know you're thinking about it?

Work through your feelings about the communication patterns in your relationship first, then think about how to approach your partner.

Step 2: Choose a time to discuss this together

Time is never found, only made. So telling your partner that communication is an issue is an excellent step in the right direction! But you've had time to think and research this; don't they deserve that too?

Giving your partner some time to consider this and work through it on their own is going to be not only crucial but respectful as well. It'll also help make this a peaceful and productive conversation rather than full of blame-gaming. 

It can be as simple as this: 

"I feel like there is a lack of communication in our relationship, and that's something I'd like to work on together. Are you open to talking about how to improve communication in our relationship on (specific day) at (specific time) for (specific duration)?"

That way, even if your partner feels a little blindsided when you initially bring it up, you've already told them they'll have time to consider it. 

Setting a time barrier around it, such as 1 hour, won't be a totally overwhelming-is-this-going-to–last-all-day kind of situation. You've made it specific and time bound and given them something to consider. 

Step 3: Identifying the core communication problem

Hopefully, you've both acknowledged that communication is an issue in your relationship. The first step in fixing a lack of communication in a relationship is to identify the problem. But what is the problem? Finding it may take time, insight, and *gasp* communication. 

I suggest going in separate rooms and taking 15 minutes to consider this question.

Write down what you think is the core issue(s) you're experiencing together, then compare your thoughts. 

Some common causes for communication issues in relationships are:

• Unspoken expectations of behavior, romance, and physical intimacy

• Trouble expressing yourself face-to-face (we'll talk about this later)

• Unresolved conflicts from your past

• Differing communication styles that clash

• Lack of time and attention to just your partner

• Resentment built up over time

• Distractions such as television, social media, and children

• Fear of conflict

• Lack of trust

These are all fundamental issues that need to be addressed. You may think it's one thing, but your partner may interpret it differently. The only way to figure out your issues is by being honest and discussing the topic.

Step 4: Talk about how to resolve one issue at a time

Rome wasn't built in a day, neither was your relationship nor was this lack of communication. Therefore, expecting it to be fixed in a single day is unrealistic and unfair. 

Once you've identified your core communication issues, take turns discussing what you feel are the core issues in your communication. 

An old therapy technique of having a "talking totem" could be helpful here.

Choose an object, and whichever one of you is holding the object gets to speak. The other person has the opportunity to actively listen during this time. Then you can hand the talking totem to your partner, and it's their turn.

You'll have a chance to identify what you believe to be the issues and be allowed to problem-solve together.

Now that you've identified the problem, I will give you actionable steps to fix the lack of communication in your relationship. Not all of these tips need to be used every time you speak, just during the critical moments when you need to be heard.

Healthy communication patterns

Healthy communication is a two-way street. This is a skill that you actually have to learn, practice and implement. So many of us weren't taught or even shown healthy communication techniques growing up. Therefore, we don't have a model for getting our point across without walking on eggshells.

Before you start trying to fix your core issues together, let me give you the tools to talk about them while avoiding conflict (in a healthy way.)

Always use "I" statements

It's easy to play the blame game. But often, blame is the least important part of the matter. When we talk to our partners, we want to feel heard.

However, it's hard to be heard when you attack your partner with things like "You never do the dishes" or "You're always late." It's immediately erasing all circumstances and placing all the blame squarely on one person. That is a pile of dried pine needles beside an open flame.

Let's flip this into a lesson.

Imagine you come home after a long day. You're looking forward to a kiss, a hug, and some quality couch and scrolling time. However, when you enter the door, your partner or spouse berate you for forgetting a small chore. It could have been taking out the trash or forgetting to put your shoes in the right place. 

I'm not picking sides here, but you're likely both in the wrong. Let me show you how to use "I" statements for both people here.

So, you're the partner who has just gotten home. You want to communicate that you're apologetic for not doing the thing but also get some space to sit down before you're confronted with negativity.

You could say one of these:

• "I feel disappointed in myself for forgetting to do something that is clearly important to you. But I also feel tired and would appreciate a few moments to collect my thoughts when I get home after a long day. Is it okay with you that I take out the trash in 10 minutes?"

• "I feel like my contributions to our life together aren't appreciated when I hear you speak to me like that."

• "I understand that I forgot to put my shoes away and I'm sorry. But I also feel negatively when you speak to me in that way.”

You're trying to show how your partner's behavior has impacted you without making them feel like you're attacking back. When you both act defensively or offensively, an argument starts.

Now you're the spouse who is pissed about the chore. Imagine we can rewind the tape a moment to avoid yelling in the first place and still get our point across using "I" statements.

• "I feel really disappointed and unimportant when you forget to do the things I asked you to do."

• "I know you've had a long day, and want to relax, and I want that for you too. But before you sit down, would you mind taking out the trash?"

• "I'm having a hard time getting everything done around the house and I'm feeling really overwhelmed. When you forget those things that seem small to you, it becomes yet another thing on my list and it feels really isolating."

See how we showed how the "small" thing impacted you there?

When you explain the impact something has on you, your partner can empathize, and you can feel heard. It also results in a greater likelihood of lasting change.

To get what you want or need, you have to ask

Unspoken expectations are a significant source of conflict and communication breakdown. We often have a glorified image of our partners with unending energy, time, and resources to meet our needs.

Odds are, your partner wants nothing more than to support you and make you feel important. They just can't read your mind.

One more time, for the people in the back, your partner cannot read your mind. 

You have to tell them what you want.

This is important for anniversaries, chores, and what you want for dinner. If you want something, say it!

Here are some examples using "I" focused statements and asking for action:

• "I'm really looking forward to celebrating our anniversary together this year. I'd really like to do a gift exchange with a set budget limit. Is that something you're open to?"

• "I'm feeling very overwhelmed by household tasks while working a fulltime job. I feel like I'm drowning in laundry and dust. I would really appreciate it if we could take an hour on Sunday to discuss our household responsibilities and see if we can make it more manageable."

• "I'm really hungry and don't feel like cooking, but I want something fast. Really, I want tacos like yesterday. Would you like to order tacos for delivery with me or do you want something else?"

Now we've done three things here. We've used "I" statements, asking for action and checking in. More on that now.

Check-in

We can only be active listeners sometimes. You and your partner will almost always be on different wavelengths regarding energy, fucks to give, and interest.

That's okay!

You can't just tell them full stop when you want something to change. You need to check in at the end of an "I" statement to ensure you've allowed them to be heard or think things over. 

A few ways you can incorporate that are by saying:

• "Can we discuss this on (specific day) for (specific length of time) at (time of day when you're both free)?"

• "How does that make you feel?"

• "Is that something you're interested in or open to?"

• "I'm open to other ideas and I'd love to hear your thoughts. Would you like to talk about it now or another day?"

Make sure you set specific appointments with each other to touch back on a topic. That way, you manage each other's expectations. You'll also avoid the issue of waiting for the other person to bring it up.

Reflective listening

After your partner has told you how they feel and their issues, show them you've actively listened. Also, make sure you've heard them correctly.

Talking about heavy topics can be challenging to find the right words. So, after your partner finishes their statement, tell them what you heard back to ensure you've gotten everything correct.

Here's an example dialogue:

Partner A: "I'm feeling unimportant in our relationship and unheard. It makes me feel really sad and frustrated that I've asked you to turn the dishwasher on at night before bed, but you've forgotten several times now."

Partner B: "What I heard you say is that you feel unheard and hurt by my forgetting to turn on the dishwasher before bed. I'm very sorry my actions made you feel that way. I want to change this but I may need some help with another reminder. I want to set an alarm on my phone to remind me each night. Does that sound fair to you?"

The problem here has been discussed, feelings have been shared, and actions are being taken. Assuming partner B makes an effort, this issue is resolved.

Check and mate.

See how easily things can be fixed when reflective listening is in place?

These simple steps may seem simple, but they're not. These healthy communication patterns can take weeks, months, and even years to develop into a habit. And that's okay! What matters is that you're actively trying to fix the lack of communication in your relationship, and your partner can see that.

Helpful tips for communicating

Of course, not everything will be hunky-dory overnight. Also, only some people are comfortable with face-to-face conflict resolution like this.

Here are some tips that will help you fix the lack of communication in your relationship in realistic ways:

• If you're not face-to-face, figure out what communication style works for you. Writing a letter, sending a text, or an email. Whatever helps you feel heard and comfortable is how you should communicate. Ensure you check in with your partner so they understand why you're doing what you're doing.

• Leave notes for your partner, either helpful or loving ones. These are powerful tools to act as reminders of our partner's level of care and provide them with valuable information for getting things done. 

• Check-in during the day with each other. It can be as simple as a "whatcha doin" text to see how your partner is doing. Or you could send a voice note, a GIF, or whatever feels natural. That way, you can get a bit of a check on your partner's feelings throughout the day and maintain open communication. 

Even these tiny actions can make a massive difference when fixing a lack of communication. It shows that you're thinking about your partner and actually trying. That effort will really pay off in the end.

Conclusion

Fixing a lack of communication in a relationship takes time, energy, and effort. It can be made more accessible by knowing the signs of a lack of communication and taking active steps to discuss these issues with your partner. By practicing healthier communication, you'll feel heard and resolve conflicts quickly before they bubble up into resentment. Remember to be true to yourself, and ask for what you need. That's what relationships are for, supporting each other no matter what.

“Communication is an integral part of our everyday lives. It helps us express ourselves to others and let them know our expectations of them.”

— Brandon Walsh

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