Dating Duds? Set dating goals to cut the crap! | A step-by-step dating goal guide
Dating can be an exciting and nerve-wracking experience, especially if you need clarification about what you want. The prospect of setting dating goals may seem odd or even aggressive. But it's how you get clarity before you sink your teeth into the dating game (likely not for the first time.) It's also essential that you know what your dating goals are so you can communicate them clearly to a potential partner. That ensures you're both on the same page and have no unspoken expectations. In this article, I will walk you through identifying your dating goals so you can finally get started with intention and clarity.
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What are dating goals?
Dating goals are the goals you set for yourself in dating. Sounds pretty simple, right?
Well, not exactly. When you set dating goals, you must be brutally honest about what and who you're looking for. To set helpful and strategic dating goals, you must be clear about what you want and where you're going. That way, you can be honest about which relationship or dating style will suit you best in this phase of life.
Setting dating goals also asks you to be mindful and considerate of the other person. Do their goals align with yours?
Do they have similar belief systems that are important to you?
By setting dating goals, you'll waste less time dating unhelpful people. You'll be able to sort through the noise and find someone who actually works for you and your future.
Understanding the different types of dating goals
Before we start identifying your dating goals, you need to know more about your options. Now, of course, what is listed here is only partially comprehensive. Many people develop unique relationships that are special to them and the partner they've had at the time.
If that's you, by all means, color outside the lines here! These are just the different types of goals you should know are available for you before you jump into the cisgendered, heteronormative relationship field.
Casual dating
This type of dating involves going out with someone for fun and companionship. It's a relationship free of serious commitment or long-term expectations. You can really let your walls down and goof around, knowing you can walk away without guilt when that chapter of your story ends.
Serious dating
Serious dating involves the intention of pursuing a committed relationship. You want to find someone to build a long-term future together. Depending on what you want out of life, that could be marriage. Or it could be a multi-year boyfriend/girlfriend/partner situation. In this circumstance, you work as a team but ultimately agree not to spend the rest of your lives together.
Often, people will have at least one or two of these long-term partners that they part ways throughout their life. Just because you set your intention to marriage or lasting commitment doesn't mean that's what the universe has in store for you.
Dating for marriage
This type of dating involves actively seeking out a life partner to get married or have a lifelong commitment aspect of your relationship. Often this dating style is a bit more intense in the initial stages of the "getting to know you" phase. That way, you can quickly assess if this is someone you can commit to spending the rest of your life with.
Dating for companionship
This is a low-pressure style of dating that involves finding someone to spend time with. Perhaps go on dates with them or do things together. It can come with or without romantic or sexual entanglements, but most often, it doesn't.
Remember, these are dating goals. Not all the varying types of romantic entanglements you'll find yourself in. After all, how often do you have the objective of starting a situationship?
Now that you understand the fundamental types of dating goals you can set, let's work on identifying yours.
What do you actually want?
What do you actually want from a relationship?
This is the first step in setting your dating goals. Slow down if your immediate reaction is a husband, a dog, three kids, and a picket fence.
We're discussing the specific aspects of a relationship you want.
Some of the most common things you may be looking for are:
Companionship
Emotional support
Physical intimacy
Long-term commitment
Stability
Compassion
Someone who shares your values
Whatever you're looking for, you need to be honest with yourself.
What qualities and characteristics are you looking for?
Not what they can physically give you, but how this person can potentially mentally, physically, and emotionally complement you so that you can evolve into your better self.
Consider what you're also willing to compromise on.
People will only check some of your boxes; that's realistic.
Figure out where you're willing to compromise and where you're absolutely not. This will be an essential part of the vetting process in time.
What are your life goals?
When identifying your dating goals, you must figure out your life plan.
Where do you want to be in 5 years?
What important life experiences do you want to share with a partner?
It could be starting a family, traveling, moving abroad, or something completely different.
Your own life goals are crucial to be honest about when you're dating with intention. It'll help give you a sense of the type of person who will complement and support you during your relationship. It'll also help you weed out the others who aren't compatible with your vision of your future.
Again, here it's crucial to be totally honest with yourself. Do you want a stay-at-home husband? That's a thing of beauty! Write it down and keep it in mind.
But remember that people have their own free will. Goals are just goals. They're not a reality, so you may have to compromise when finding the right person.
What are your personal priorities?
Dating and relationships are all about competing priorities. Some people find emotional intimacy and support more important than physical attraction.
It could be your hobbies that you want to share with someone rather than a shared belief system.
Figure out your priorities first, so you know what to look for in another person.
Some important ones to consider are:
Your religious faith, if you have one
Importance of physical attractiveness and health
Emotional support
Intellectual intimacy and having deep conversations
Shared hobbies or interests
Shared life goals
Building a family
Living in or moving to a particular place
Your career and where that could, ideally, take you
Priorities will sometimes align; each person is their own autonomous being.
But having some idea of what is important to you will help you identify when someone aligns with your priorities and goals in life. That way, you'll start looking for the human qualities in a person, which take some time to uncover.
What are your personal values?
Values shape your attitudes, beliefs, and behaviors; they can guide your decisions and actions in life.
To determine your values, reflect on your life experiences and consider what has served you best in varying circumstances.
What are the times you felt happiest? The most fulfilled? What has made you feel proud of yourself?
Then, ask yourself what values were at play in those moments. For example, if you felt happiest spending time with friends, your values might be "connection," or "relationships."
Now, what matters to you in life beyond your own personal experiences? What are some crucial values or causes that matter to you? I know I kicked a guy out of my apartment at 2:00 in the morning because I found out he was homophobic.
What is really important to you? Then, translate that into single words.
Some core value words are:
Responsibility
Integrity
Compassion
Empathy
Courage
Respect
Gratitude
Authenticity
Freedom
Creativity
Humility
Once you know your values, they'll be crucial to the dating goal puzzle. You'll be on the lookout for someone who not only tells you those are their personal values, but they'll show you through small actions.
Are you trying to fix your past?
If you've survived trauma, you likely have found yourself repeating past relationship mistakes and patterns repeatedly. That's because many of us connect with another person when they seem familiar.
The sense of familiarity pulls us closer to them when it should be pulling us out the door and onto an airplane. You're craving a chance to fix past errors or missteps, and it's a common long-term effect of trauma.
You're not really learning anything new when you repeat the same patterns. You need to be mindful of your past experiences and reflect on them. Those experiences may give you a list of red flags that are unique to you. Keep those in mind to keep you on the path to finding the right relationship for you.
How to communicate what you want to a potential partner
This is the scary part, to be honest.
Now that you have more clarity on your dating goals, you'll have to find a way to communicate them to potential partners.
You don't have to say verbatim, "I want to get married and start a family with you," over your first cup of coffee. But you can tell them you're looking for a committed relationship over a casual one. If they're not looking for the same thing as you, they can stop wasting your time, and you're theirs.
Be honest about what you're looking for, and listen closely to what they say. Also, please pay close attention that their actions and behaviors match what they said. Knowing early on will prevent you from investing much time and energy into someone who isn't right for you.
Conclusion
Identifying your dating goals will help you navigate the complex, challenging, and overwhelming world of modern dating. And you'll be able to do so efficiently, clearly, and confidently. You'll cut through the noise by taking the time to ask yourself what you want from a relationship, identifying your values, and figuring out your life goals and priorities. You'll significantly increase your chances of finding a life partner who aligns with who you are now and who you want to become. So take the time and work out your dating goals to get closer to finding the right person for you.
“Be honest about what you're looking for, and listen closely to what they say. Also, please pay close attention that their actions and behaviors match what they said. Knowing early on will prevent you from investing much time and energy into someone who isn't right for you.”
-Elaine S. Turner
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