Are Sex Addiction and Porn Addiction Real? Causes, symptoms, and recovery
Sex and porn addiction seem to be in the news constantly. Many people debate whether or not they are true "addictions" in the medical sense of the word. Regardless of whether they fit the DSM's exact criteria, many people are addicted to the rush they give them.
If you or someone you love is addicted to sex or pornography, recovery is possible. First, you need to understand what sex and porn addiction are and the impact they can have.
Sex, porn, and masturbation addiction are all compulsive behavior disorders. Also known as hypersexuality, it is an obsession with sexual urges, fantasies, or behaviors. The author of Mr. Mind Blowing, Sumit, has extensively covered this topic in this article here. You may find that you feel entirely out of control of your choices which cause you great distress. Sex, porn, and masturbation addiction can cause long-lasting effects in your career, relationships, and health. The bright side is that you can fully recover from sex, porn, and masturbation addiction, with some help.
To enter life-long remission for sex or porn addiction, you need to understand several things about them.
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What is a Compulsive Sexual Behavior Disorder?
The ICD-11 classifies a Compulsive Sexual Behavior Disorder under "impulse control disorders." Meaning that you feel out of control of your sexual actions. These actions lead to distressing behaviors that can impact your overall quality of life.
If you have sex addiction, it may constantly be on hook-up applications or having anonymous, unprotected sex.
For those with porn addiction, you may be watching porn at work or in public or for many hours during the day.
Having and thinking about sex are normal human behaviors. Just because you may have sex with many people doesn't mean that you're addicted to sex. It becomes an issue when you've tried to reduce or stop your fantasies and behaviors and aren't able to.
While it may not be classified as a true "addiction," it is very real to many people.
If you have hypersexuality, your sexual actions may be the entire focus of your days and life. You may even find that you stop enjoying sex or masturbating to pornography over time, but you still don't stop. Or that your sexual behaviors have caused consequences in your life, and yet you don't put a stop to them.
What are the signs of sex and porn addiction?
Sex and porn addiction can happen at the same time, or one can morph into the other. Therefore, the two have a lot of the same signs and symptoms. Not everyone will experience all of the same worrying signs. However, it is essential to pay attention to which ones you have had.
Obsessive sexual thoughts and fantasies
Every free thought is focused on your next sexual hit or a fantasy.
You may find it challenging to concentrate on work or other activities during the day.
You may struggle to sleep at night.
If you have sex addiction, you may notice that you're spending more time looking up massage parlors than with your loved ones.
Ignoring the consequences
What makes sex or porn and compulsive sexual behavior disorder is that they have effects in your life.
For sex addiction, it may be that you're in financial ruin from spending money on sex workers.
Or, you may have lost a serious relationship from infidelity.
For porn addiction, you may have lost your job because you watched porn at work.
Or you may have gotten in legal trouble from masturbating in a parking lot.
Whatever the consequences, they do little to stop your behaviors.
Feeling shame and depression about your sexual behaviors
In the moment of seeking sexual release, you feel exhilarated.
You may need it to regain a sense of control in your life.
Afterward, you feel ashamed of what you've done.
Whether it's sex with strangers or watching porn that makes you question if you have a paraphilia, you are ashamed.
You may think a sex addict would brag about their sexual escapades, but they do not.
Hiding sexual behaviors
For the porn-addict, you are always clearing your browser history and making excuses to be on your computer.
For a person with sex addiction, you don't tell your friends about the sex you've been having.
Or that you can't afford to go for beers because you've spent all your money on sex workers.
Whatever it is, you hide it away and make excuses.
Avoiding non-sexual activities
Why would you go to a company barbecue when you could be having sex?
Why would you go to Christmas dinner when you have the perfect selection of porn lined up?
Whatever the activity, if it doesn't include sex or sexual satisfaction, you turn others down.
Escalating high-risk sexual behaviors
If you have porn addiction, it may be that you lose more time seeking new films.
Or that you are finding more and more hard-core porn to watch, things you wouldn't enjoy in real life.
You may find that you're masturbating in public, which means you could be caught and labeled as a sex offender.
For sex addiction, it may be that you're going to illegal brothels or having unprotected sex with strangers.
Whether you're at risk for prison time, losing your job, or getting an STI, you don't consider the issues until much later.
You can't stop
Despite the risks and consequences that are ever-present, you haven't been able to stop.
You want to change.
You want to be in control of your choices.
You've even tried to stop once or more.
But every time you try, you find yourself back in the same place.
What causes sex and porn addiction?
The science of addiction is complicated, but we can explain it fairly simply.
It is widely accepted that the cause of both sex and porn addiction comes from trauma. Let us explain.
The dopamine impact
From conception until death, you are sexual.
Fetuses have been observed touching their genitals in the womb.
Touching your genitals and sexual stimulation causes your brain to produce dopamine.
Dopamine is known as the "pleasure chemical."
Your brain produces dopamine when it anticipates something will feel good.
Dopamine evolved to help our ancestors learn what felt good so they could repeat that action.
Likewise, as you learn what feels good for you, you'll turn to it when you crave dopamine.
Trauma and addiction
Almost everyone experiences something traumatic in their lives. Whether it's a natural disaster, being abused, or being bullied, it leaves an impact.
When you're in a moment of trauma or severe stress, your brain activates fight-or-flight mode.
This model takes all unnecessary systems offline.
While non-essential systems are offline, you are unable to process distress.
Your energy is redirected towards your legs and arms to help you run faster to get away from danger.
Your fight-or-flight response again evolved from your ancestors.
Your ancestors faced regular dangers that we are no longer confronted with today.
The fight-or-flight response was to help them escape attacks from neighboring tribes and dangerous animals.
Today, your brain cannot tell the difference between being yelled at and being confronted with life-threatening danger.
Once your fight-or-flight response has been activated, you need to return to normal. Your body needs the feel-good pleasure chemical, dopamine. It is produced by eating delicious food, getting a hug, or from sexual pleasure. A person with a sex addiction, you learned early on that dopamine is always available. You just need sexual stimulation. It is always abundant. And, it is always there when you need it. Therefore, you use sexual pleasure as a coping mechanism.
You have learned to associate sex or masturbation to your fight-or-flight response. Your brain and body memorize the connection.
Later down the line, even the most minor stressor can cause you to turn towards sexual pleasure as a release.
Your behaviors will escalate, and you become addicted to dopamine.
What makes porn addictive?
Porn is unique. It offers your brain the pleasure of having sex with countless partners with no apparent repercussions. Your brain can't yet tell the difference between the people on the screen in real life. If you are a male-bodied penis owner, your brain will think that you are impregnating all of those people on the screen. It can't tell the difference yet. Technology has adapted faster than our brains have.
When you're watching porn, your brain overloads you with more dopamine than you can process. The first time this happens, your brain notices the abundance of dopamine. It starts to shut down the receptors to deal with the quantity.
So each time you repeat that same sexual pattern, you'll get less and less of a rush. Of course, you won't be aware of the receptors shutting down. So, you'll start to escalate the porn you're watching until things quickly spiral out of control.
Many penis-owners with a porn addiction may find that they start to experience delayed ejaculation. Or become unable to share an orgasm with a partner. It is also normal that they start to have erectile difficulties as well.
What if I am in a relationship with a sex or porn addict?
If you're in a relationship with a sex or porn addict, then odds are you're in a difficult place. You don't understand how to help support them, and they may even push you out of their lives slightly.
You may experience betrayal trauma. Betrayal trauma happens when someone important to you betrays you. Lying, cheating, or leading a double life are all common. You may find that you're questioning what you've done wrong. If it's your fault. If you could have done something differently.
It isn't your fault. Your partner with sex or porn addiction may not be fully in control of their choices. Their addiction likely started earlier and separately from your relationship with them.
To support them, you need to be careful not to enable them or allow yourself to become codependent.
Their recovery is possible and within reach. If you’re willing to help support them they may have a higher chance of recovery.
You will likely also need coaching or therapy to help you overcome betrayal trauma's impact on you.
What are sex and porn recovery like?
You can ultimately recover from sex or porn addiction. It isn't always clear-cut, and it isn't easy. Recovery from addiction never is. If you're wondering what your addiction timeline might look like, these are the typical stages:
Stage 1: Denial - You don't see your behaviors as problematic and deny that you have an addiction. This recovery phase can last any amount of time. It won't end until you are ready to take responsibility for your addiction.
Stage 2: Desire to change - You're starting to accept that there are issues with your behaviors. You become more open to discussing them with other people. You may have googled it a few times and come across this article. You're learning more about sex and porn addiction and are deciding if you need support on your recovery journey.
Stage 3: Making a plan - You may need to prepare yourself for the changes to come. Emotional, mental, and physical adaptations may need to happen. This is to make space for the idea of changing your lifestyle and behaviors. You may start to keep a list of distractions to prevent relapses.
Step 4: Active action - You seek coaching or therapy to help you understand the root cause of your addiction. You're ready to make real change. You'll need to be in a state of active sobriety at this stage. Relapse is highly likely the first few times you try. But the longer you try, the more changes and improvements you'll feel. This is the first step of your recovery journey.
Step 5: Maintaining momentum - You may experience flatlining - or no sexual desire, or anhedonia - where you don't experience pleasure from activities you used to enjoy. Maintaining gains is often the most challenging part of the recovery process. The initial excitement of sobriety has worn off, and you may fall back into damaging patterns.
Step 6: Option of relapse or growth - Making a relapse prevention plan is part of the process. Triggers for sexual behavior are inevitable. Maintaining a support system and having a relapse plan is crucial during this time.
How sex coaching can help with porn and sex addiction
Overcoming sex or porn addiction often feels like trying to swim up a waterfall. Every inch you take, you get knocked back down.
Having someone to help you climb up the waterfall can be a critical tool in your success.
When it comes to understanding sex and porn addiction, there is a lot to know. When working with clients exhibiting these issues, it all starts with education. You need to understand how your brain and body drive your responses.
Cessation from masturbation and abstinence from sex is vital in your recovery.
You'll begin to recognize your triggers and the behaviors that you want to stop.
Education leads to learning healthy coping mechanisms to help you stop your actions. Options such as yoga, meditation, or just spending time outdoors can all be helpful.
You'll learn how to rewire your brain and reroute your neurological pathways so that you can make healthier choices.
Help is here. You just need to be ready to ask for it.
“Somehow the only way to mask my insecurity was to overpower it with sex.”
— Erica Garza
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