BDSM for Beginners - What you need to know before you get started
You've heard all about it, but you're still not quite sure what BDSM is.
BDSM is a grossly misappropriated and misunderstood topic. It is often blown out of proportion or demonized by popular media.
BDSM groups and practices are based around mutual consent and different types of erotic experiences. They are a completely healthy expression of sexuality. Often, it doesn't involve penetrative sex.
It's all about the erotic exchange of power.
BDSM is a way of life and sometimes an identifying factor for people in "the lifestyle." Practitioners tend to form healthy and accepting communities with shared interests and erotic preferences.
If you want to experiment with BDSM, there will be a friendly community near you. Most will welcome you with welcome arms. That is, if you're practicing ethical BDSM.
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What does BDSM mean?
BDSM is an umbrella term used to describe a massive variety of sexual and erotic preferences and practices.
The letters of the acronym overlap, and most have multiple meanings.
B&D - Bondage & Discipline
Bondage: The act of being restrained or restraining others for sexual excitement or pleasure.
Discipline: The consensual act of giving or receiving "punishments" for agreed-upon behaviors.
If you’re looking for some bondage inspiration, the School of Squirt has put together a great inspirational guide!
D&S - Domination & submission
Domination: The act and practice of exerting sexual power or control over another person consensually
submission: The act and practice of allowing yourself to be dominated and controlled for erotic pleasure and satisfaction
S&M - Sadism & Masochism (or Sadomasochism)
Sadism: Receiving erotic excitement or pleasure from causing some harm or pain to another person
Masochism: Receiving erotic pleasure or excitement from pain, deprivation, or being uncomfortable
Sadomasochism: The tendency or practice of experiencing sexual pleasure from sadist acts, masochistic acts, or both
There are dozens if not hundreds of different practices and terms to know and types of play.
What is ethical BDSM?
Ethical BDSM refers to sensual and sexual activities under the umbrella of BDSM that are conducted safely and consensually. These acts benefit all participants involved.
Interests, likes, dislikes, and everything in between is communicated before play. All parties are free to withdraw from activities with a single word.
No one can be touched or touch anyone else without full consent.
There are two main branches of ethical BDSM.
Safe, Sane, & Consensual (SSC)
SSC is probably the most prevalent type of ethical BDSM.
Safe: The risks of all activities are understood by all parties. The hazards are reduced or eliminated if possible.
Sane: The understanding that people need to be in a state of sobriety and understand the difference between fantasy and reality. It ensures that everyone is fully aware and consenting to all acts that will occur.
Consensual: Everyone involved freely agrees to the acts being performed, with absolutely no coercion and the full ability to stop the activities at any given time.
Risk-Aware Consensual Kink (RACK)
RACK is a philosophy many BDSM communities adhere to that emphasizes that you may minimize risk, but you cannot avoid all risk.
It emphasizes that it is your responsibility to understand any risks involved. You need to accept those risks to participate.
Groups often use RACK with more "hardcore" practices such as bloodplay or knifeplay.
Key BDSM terms
If you're curious about getting started in the BDSM scene, the number of terms may cause your head to spin. It really can be like learning a second language.
Here is a list of some key terms, so you can understand what people are talking about:
The scene: Used to refer to those in the BDSM community who are active participants.
Example: "Are you in the scene? I'm looking for a new community to play with."
A scene: An agreed-upon single occurrence of erotic power play and sexual exchange.
Example: "I want to do a sensory deprivation scene this weekend, do you know anyone who might be interested?"
Scene negotiation: Often, these aren't as formal as they sound. It is simply a discussion between all participants about what the scene will involve, what people's limits are, and the use of the safewords.
Example: "We're going to play this weekend, but we're going to start our scene negotiation on Wednesday so we have time to think about it."
Dom/Domme/Dominant/Top: The person(s) involved in a scene that administers punishments, restrain others up, and are seemingly in the power position. Dom is used for male-identifying practitioners. Domme is used for female-identifying practitioners.
Example: "I'm going to the dungeon this weekend to see if I can find a new Dom."
sub/submissive/bottom: The person(s) involved in a scene that receives punishments are restrained and seemingly give away their power. In reality, these are the people who are really in control of the activities.
Example: "I'm a sub on the weekends, but I feel like a Dom in my professional life. Being a sub helps me unwind."
Switch: A person who "switches" roles of Dom or sub depending on their desires, what roles are available, or who they're playing with.
Example: "I've tried being a Domme and a sub, I really enjoy them both. That's why I'm a switch now, I enjoy the freedom."
Master/slave: While these terms are often used in Dom/sub relationships, they often infer a deeper meaning. Master/slave relationships may be much more serious and require a contract and control outside the playspace.
Example: "I think I'm ready to become a Master. I've started taking applications for my first slave."
Hard Limits: Specific sexual or BDSM activities that someone will absolutely refuse to do.
Example: "One of my hard limits is caning. It just sounds too painful."
Soft limits: Specific sexual or BDSM activities that someone isn't entirely open to doing but may want to try at another time.
Example: "I have a lot of soft limits, like water sports. I need to trust my play partner first."
Safeword(s): One or more words used by a submissive to indicate their level of comfort/discomfort and are often used to bring an immediate halt to all activities.
Example: "This community uses the stop light safeword system."
Domspace/subspace: The specific state of mind a Dom or sub enters during BDSM play is caused by a cocktail of endorphins and hormones. Often likened to a "runner's high."
Example: "Our scene this weekend was unbelievable. I felt like I was in Domspace for half a day."
Top drop/subdrop: Usually, after a scene, when the stream of neurochemicals and endorphins stops, a person may enter a state of depression and exhaustion.
Example: "After our scene, my subdrop was real. I was so appreciative that my top followed my aftercare steps so thoughtfully."
Aftercare: Usually provided by the Dom for the sub (it can go the other way) after a scene to help bring comfort. It may be running them a bath, having a long cuddle, or administering first aid.
Example: "After a scene with a lot of impact play, I really need a warm bath and lotion during my aftercare."
Impact play: Any erotic practices that involve some hitting or pain. Examples include slapping, spanking, whips, and crops.
Example: "I don't really enjoy impact play during a scene. I'm much more into orgasmic deprivation."
Sensory deprivation: The act of removing one or more senses from a person. Examples include blindfolds, restraints, or noise-canceling headphones.
Example: "Let's play with sensory deprivation this weekend, I'm going to get my noise cancelling headphones and make you listen to Bach while I play with you."
Metaconsent: Consensual non-consent. In scene negotiations, a person agrees to the activities and objects to them in the scene.
Example: "It was a metaconsent rape fantasy and I loved every minute of it!"
How do I get involved in the BDSM scene?
You don't need to start hardcore or by going to a play party, of course. In fact, you really shouldn't.
Learning more about your erotic personality is critical for entering a BDSM gathering. When you take the time to do this, you'll walk in with confidence and knowledge of your limits and what you like.
Start by getting yourself a basic BDSM kit from an adult store near you. These should come with a variety of affordable toys and implements. That way you can figure out exactly what gets your engines going.
For beginners, please avoid:
Rope: Improperly tying someone up can cause lasting nerve damage. Interested in learning how to tie someone up or being tied up? Look into Shibari classes near you or online.
Handcuffs: These are usually cheaply made. There is no guarantee that you won't break the key off in the lock if it works at all. They also leave easily recognizable bruising on your wrists and ankles.
Hard ball gags: Gags in all their iterations are very popular in BDSM practices. If they're made out of hard plastic, you might run the risk of having them break in your mouth or even chipping a tooth. Opt for a soft, chewy silicone one instead.
Candle wax: Using wax can be an intensely erotic experience. However, you shouldn't use just any old candle for it. There are specific candles for BDSM purposes with a lower burning point to not cause burning or scarring.
Other things of particular importance are:
Never leave a restrained person unattended. Stay in the room with them at all times. Nerve and permanent damage can happen in a matter of minutes or seconds.
Always have scissors and a first aid kit handy to remove restraints or treat wounds quickly.
Choose your safeword(s) carefully. Safewords need to be words you would never say in a sexual context. Popular ones used by many BDSM communities are the "stoplight system."
Red = full stop to all activities
Yellow = proceed with caution or switch activities
Green = enjoying the experience or give me more of whatever you're doing
Finding a BDSM community or mentor
Finding the right BDSM community for you may take some time. You can always go on FetLife.com and make a profile to explore communities near you. Alternatively, you may be able to find ones on Facebook as well.
You'll want to find a "munch" first and foremost. These are informal and regular gatherings of BDSM participants within a specific community. They usually meet up for lunch or drinks, and newcomers are often encouraged to come. Munches are so both you and the community can get a feel for each other.
Be patient. Many groups require nominations to secure you an invitation into their community.
***Pro-Tip*** You may want to get out of town to find a community, primarily if you work in the medical, educational, or professional worlds. Space may not equal complete safety, but it reduces your chances of running into someone from HR.
BDSM is a beautiful practice that has evolved over thousands of years. Playing with it can intensify your erotic experience to a level you never knew was possible.
Likewise, it isn't for everyone.
Try a few things and see if it's something you want to pursue.
If you want assistance or guidance with BDSM, get in contact with me today.
“One of the most valuable things we learn from open sexual lifestyles is that our programming about love, intimacy, and sex can be rewritten.”
-Dossie Easton, The Ethical Slut: A Guide to Infinite Sexual Possibilities
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