Dating Someone With Depression | How you can support yourself and your partner
Mental health awareness is growing every day. Depression is discussed in nearly every mental health forum, but if you're dating someone with depression, you may feel lost on how to help them. The fact that you're doing research on this topic shows not only that you care but that you're likely a walking green flag of a partner. Dating someone with depression may seem daunting if you don't have it yourself. However, understanding just a little bit can put you miles ahead.
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What you need to know about depression
Depression is often mischaracterized as a feeling of general sadness and melancholy.
However, in the fast-paced environment we're forced into, many people learn how to be high-functioning depressive individuals. This means they can generally attend to their daily needs and responsibilities but may experience a sense of anhedonia or disinterest in the things that used to excite them.
Depression meaning
Depression is explained by the DSM-5 as "a mental disorder characterized by a persistent feeling of sadness or loss of interest in activities that were once enjoyable, and a range of other emotional, cognitive, and physical symptoms."
Depression is an all-encompassing mental health disorder. Depression can greatly impact every aspect of your partner's life, even if you don't notice it at first.
Dating someone with depression may seem overwhelming and like a burden. However, there are some small things that you can do to really help and support this person that you care about. Little tweaks and considerate support are some of the main ways to help someone you're dating with their depressive episodes and symptoms.
Signs and symptoms of depression
The signs and symptoms of depression will significantly vary from person to person. They will also vary based on where the person is if they have depressive cycles.
Depressive cycles are characterized by periods of general content and near happiness, interspersed with days, weeks, or months of all-encompassing depression symptoms.
These cycles can be brought on by a recent trauma or negative experience.
Or they can spontaneously occur.
There is little to no way to predict depression episodes without having ongoing professional guidance, care, and support.
Depressive cycles are typical in major depressive episodes, dysthymia, bipolar disorder, and seasonal affective disorder, all mood disorders that share symptoms with depression. Not all individuals will experience depression episodes in cyclical patterns.
Some of the most common symptoms used for a depression diagnosis are:
Diminished interest or enjoyment in activities and hobbies that used to bring joy
Insomnia, or trouble falling asleep
Hypersomnia or difficulty waking
Substantial and notable fatigue regularly
A feeling of being depressed, sad, or hopeless regularly
Sudden weight loss or weight gain
Feelings of guilt, shame, or worthlessness
Recurring thoughts of suicidal ideation
Difficulty concentration or mind fog
Indecisiveness
Many of these symptoms can be easily masked by a person with depression. Likely they were taught how to do this as a coping mechanism growing up. However, the signs of depression may also indicate another co-occurring or similar mental health disorder. These can only be diagnosed by a mental health professional.
If you or someone you care about is having thoughts of suicidal ideation, please get the support you need. Your life is meaningful, and your presence in this world is important.
How depression affects relationships
If you're dating someone with depression, odds are that their mental health disorder will have some impact on your romantic relationship together. However, the effect can be mitigated and reduced when you understand why and how it's impacting your relationship.
Some of the most notable ways depression can impact your relationship are:
Fatigue and lack of self-confidence may make your partner unwilling to go out on a date. You may be better suited staying in and watching a movie together in your pajamas.
Indecisiveness may make it challenging to find out what your partner really wants. Even for small things like deciding on dinner or big things like your future plans together.
Loss of libido could be from fatigue, worthlessness, or self-image issues associated with depression. Your partner may withdraw sexually. Give them a safe way to indicate that they're not interested in sex so that you don't feel rejected.
Being forgetful is often associated with depression due to brain fog symptoms. Your Partner may forget important events, dates, or details of your life. If there's something essential for them to remember, note it somewhere they can see it in a friendly and positive manner.
Depression can have a massive impact on relationships. However, with a greater sense of empathy and a little planning ahead, you should be able to mitigate the potential damage that can be done to your relationship when you're dating someone with depression.
Understanding your partner's experience
Dating someone with depression requires you to be sympathetic and patient, especially if you haven't experienced depression for yourself. The symptoms of depression may leave your partner despondent, uninterested in sex, and lacking the energy to spend time together. It may feel challenging, but you can do a few things to help support them.
Empathy and validation
Those who suffer from depression often are aware that their feelings seem unsupported. This inability to reconcile their emotional experience with their life experience may feel isolating and overwhelming. For moments, they may even question their own sanity.
If you're dating someone with depression, you must be empathetic and patient. Help validate their feelings, reminding them that their external and internal experiences don't always have to align to make sense. Depression isn't something that they can "snap out of" with greater self-awareness. It takes time, patience, and a deep sense of personal understanding to reconcile.
Offer all types of support that you can think of, such as:
Offering them a hug - This is an easy way for them to get a little surge of dopamine. Bonus points if you ask for hug consent first and give them a meaningful and fully engaged hug!
Offer to watch a rerun - for those with depression and anxiety, one of the self-soothing exercises they unconsciously engage in is rewatching favorite movies and TV episodes. It provides a sense of calm and control. Work with them to make a list of feel-good movies and TV shows for when they're having a depressive cycle or feelings. That way, it makes choosing something to watch a lot easier.
Remind them of self-care: The analysis paralysis experienced by people with depression can make choosing an activity incredibly difficult. It may also be challenging for them to follow through. Make a self-care menu with many "low-effort" options for someone with depression. That way, when they're having a challenging day, they can choose something easy to help them progress one step at a time.
These little things can help a person with depression feel understood and supported.
Please encourage them to seek professional support
While some people may feel able to get through depression without professional support, a little bit can go a long way. Even having the phone number or email of someone they can contact during depression can be a powerful tool.
Of course, nothing can replace the ongoing support of a mental health professional.
Just ensure you help them choose the right mental health professional. Not all psychologists and therapists are created equal. Many offer free 15-minute introductory sessions to see if you "vibe" together. Doing this is crucial because you want to find someone supportive of your partner's needs.
Help them decide with easy rating scales or standard interview questions to streamline the process and narrow their potential choices. Then, keep the mental health professional's information somewhere within reach.
Save it as a contact in their phone.
Type out a draft email asking for help, so all they have to do is click "send."
Your job as someone dating someone with depression is to help make their life easier.
That's it. These little pre-planning tips will help you both immensely.
Supporting them through treatment
If your partner seeks professional treatment, you must be supportive. Ask a few non-probing or topical questions about their meetings but let them share things with you.
After their sessions with a mental health professional, ask if they learned any new coping strategies or techniques you can help with.
Also, allow them the space to keep their psychological help private. If your partner with depression doesn't want to share, then step back. Boundaries are critical here.
Communication in a relationship with depression
When dating someone with depression, the most important thing you can do is establish open and healthy communication methods. For many people discussing things, face-to-face may feel forced or unnatural.
That's okay.
You don't have to change how you communicate.
You need to find what works for you as a couple.
A few alternatives to face-to-face communication that may work for you are:
Texting or email - Yes, it may sound trivial and adolescent. Still, texting and email are much more natural and open forums for communication for many. If you're having difficulty discussing your boundaries or feelings face-to-face, try typing them out. That way, you'll be able to carefully review and phrase the message so that you or your partner can help support you. Just remember to be specific with calls to action from your loved one.
Leave a note - If you were born in the 90s, you might remember passing a dedicated notebook to your friends in the halls to communicate regularly. It was like handing notes, but you'd have a complete log together. You can do that in your relationship too. Dedicate a specific space to a shared notebook with your partner and write down whatever you need to communicate to them. Then, indicate to them that there's something you'd like them to read in there. You can use an object, put the notebook in a different place, or tell them. Whatever works for you.
Sit back-to-back - Looking into someone's eyes and expressing your feelings is an incredibly vulnerable experience. While having such a vulnerable experience with someone you care about is healthy, it may be challenging. Especially if you're on the autism spectrum. So, try sitting back-to-back with your partner. Vent your feelings and tell them what you need in this manner. That way, you are not pressured to make eye contact while letting your walls down.
A phone call - Have you ever noticed that you're more honest when talking on the phone? It's completely normal to have that experience. You can go into some trance and be candid about your experiences while on the phone. Even if your partner shares a home with you, ask them to go in the other room or outside so you can call them and talk about your feelings and experiences.
The bottom line here is that communication has to be your first priority. Communicating in whatever way works best for you and feels safest. Just ensure you're respecting your partner's time and other responsibilities.
3 tips on dating someone with depression
If you're dating someone with depression, there is a lot you can do to help support them and yourself at this time. Here are a few practical ideas that will help you create a more intimate and open bond.
Create a self-care menu
When you have depression, each step feels like walking in a waist-deep swamp. There may be days when your partner can't bring themselves to leave the bed, and that's okay. Please help them build a self-care menu for when they are ready to enter the world.
Prioritize low-effort forms of self-care and personal progress.
Things like "wash one dish," "put on clothes," or anything of that nature.
Doing these little things can help them feel a sense of accomplishment without feeling overwhelmed by having to do everything all at once.
Create a safeword system
If your partner has depression, communication can be a challenge. Find a "safeword" system that works for you both.
Words you wouldn't usually say can indicate their feelings without forcing them to be vulnerable.
If you're out and about together and have crippling depressive symptoms, they can say "Spongebob" to you, meaning they need to go home.
Some examples of a safeword system would be -
Green - They're feeling good and doing alright.
Yellow - They may feel apprehensive or anxious about whatever you're doing. If you want to keep doing what you're doing, keep checking in on them.
Red - Indicates they must be in a safe space immediately.
Again, you're lowering the communication threshold to a single word so they're not forced to be vulnerable in a social situation.
Create a safe space for them
While you may want to be a safe space for your partner, depression may lead them to want to be alone. A little self-isolation isn't bad; it gives them room to process their feelings and lets them sit. Allowing your partner to spend time with their feelings may help them identify where they're coming from.
Create a safe space with a few valuable items:
A journal that no one else can read with lots of fun colored pens.
A fresh box of tissues for when they're really feeling down.
A few snacks that trigger happy memories such as a particular candy bar or cookie.
Write a letter reminding them of how much you love and care for them.
A few playlists of both happy and sad music. Diving deeper into the feelings for a brief time can help process them. Just keep the sad playlist short and the happy list upbeat and full of sentimental music.
A list of experiences you want to share together - make a list of things you want to do with your partner so they have something to look forward to when they're in a depressive state. These can be supportive and remind them of how much they have to look forward to.
Books your partner has read and reread a thousand times. This helps create a safe environment for them because they know what to expect. And reading books from their childhood or young adulthood may help them remember good times and fond memories.
You can keep these little things in a single drawer so you and your partner are prepared and ready for depressive moments. Again, it's about lowering the effort threshold so they can spend time with themselves and you and be productive in processing their feelings.
Make a list of shared activities & foods
When you're dating someone with depression, much of the burden of decision may fall on you. So, when your partner is feeling positive and in a good mental space, create a list of things that help you prepare for the darker times that can still bring you closer together.
Make a list of dates around or close to your home to make the decision-making process more manageable. Also, having a list of your partner's favorite foods may help you support them. That way, you can choose from a takeaway menu without consulting them too much or putting pressure on them. That way, you can ensure they're eating enough and maintaining a healthy diet while being supportive and not invasive.
Discuss these tips with your partner's mental health professional to ensure they align with the courses of action they take in their therapeutic pursuits. Please print out this article and share it with their mental health professional so they know how proactive you're being. Hopefully, they'll add in a few personal ideas as well!
Self-care and personal support
Dating someone with depression can put a significant burden on you. And you shouldn't be alone during these times. Make sure you're taking care of yourself during these times so you don't also experience symptoms of depression.
A few ways you can support yourself are:
Seek support - From a mental health professional and from friends and family. Have a safe space where you can process your frustrations and doubts so that you are also heard. Processing and prioritizing your mental health can't fall by the wayside just because you're caring for your partner. Put on your own oxygen mask first before putting one on someone else.
Also, create a self-care menu - There is a reason this comes up in so many of my articles! Make lists of low, medium, and high-effort self-care activities that will help support your mental health and well-being. It'll make self-care a much easier and attainable priority.
Set boundaries - Yes, you want to do everything in your power to help support your partner, but you're only one person. And you're not likely a mental health professional as well. So, set boundaries for how much care and support you can provide before your partner needs to seek professional help if they're reluctant. Set limits on your own time and abilities that are reasonable and supportive. Ask for what you need. That will help your partner remember that you're a safe space, but you must also take care of yourself.
You have to take care of yourself too. And if you have a job, children, and other responsibilities, you're likely time-poor. So do your best during the good times to be well-prepared for the not-so-good times.
Conclusion
Dating someone with depression may feel overwhelming and daunting. But there are a few things that you can personally do to help support both yourself and the person you love. Knowing the triggers and causes of their depressive states can be helpful. But being prepared is the best thing you can do. Establish routines and safety measures to ensure you're well taken care of and getting the love and support you need to keep your relationship going. If you're feeling lost or need help, please seek help from a mental health professional.
If you’re contemplating suicide or desire crisis support, here are some helplines you can contact. Asking for help is a sign of strength. You are important to me and to the world.
Find help worldwide
Australia
Call: 13 11 14 or 000
Visit: LifeLine Australia or Thirrili National Indigenous Postvention Service
USA
Call: 911 or 988
Text: Crisis Helpline
India
Call: 112 or 888-8817-666
Visit lifelinefoundation.in
New Zealand
Call: 111 or 1737
Text: 1737
Visit: 1737.org.nz
“We must understand that sadness is an ocean, and sometimes we drown, while other days we are forced to swim.”
— R.M. Drake
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