Want More Sex in Your Relationship? - My secret tool for bringing back the sex
Okay, it isn't that big of a secret. I've written a lot about how important it is to keep dating your partner. But, I still need to give you my fundamental secret tool, how you can work together to plan a date. Using the 5 love languages to plan date nights is a great way to be thoughtful without putting in too much thought.
This is a particular coaching exercise meant for both of you and your partner to do. It involves you first working separately, then collaborating.
These are specific love-language-speaking-intimacy-building-memorable-date-night plans. And yes, it does require a little planning and effort up top. But if you do it properly, you should have years of date nights planned ahead.
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What is this big secret?
You and your partner will openly communicate what you want on date nights.
No, you don't have to do this face-to-face.
No, you don't have to be considerate of the other person's wants.
All you're going to do is brainstorm big lists of things you'd like to do inspired by the 5 love languages.
Yes, as many ideas as you can come up with.
Here is your permission to get a little wild!
How to use this coaching activity
You and your partner should have this article pulled up on your phones.
Go in separate rooms for at least ten minutes and brainstorm different date night ideas.
You will specifically choose dates you want to enjoy using the 5 love languages.
This is a place to be a little selfish.
If you don't ask for what you want, you can't be surprised when you don't get it.
After you've both completed your lists, you'll exchange them. See which ones overlap and show things you're both interested in. Talk about what items are different or what you wouldn't have thought of.
Then, agree to go on one to start with. Keep these lists handy so that you always have date night inspiration. You can keep adding to them too!
The 5 love languages
You've probably already read my piece on Love Languages and why they're important in relationships. As a refresher, there are 5 love languages:
Acts of service - Going to Wal-Mart, filling up your gas tank, doing your laundry, etc.
Physical touch - Hugs, sex, cuddles, kisses, etc.
Quality time - Going on dates, making memories, doing things together, etc.
Receiving gifts - Giving your partner small tokens such as a rock from the beach on your first date, buying their favorite candy at the shops, etc.
Words of affirmation - I love you, you're handsome, you're the best thing that's ever happened to me, etc.
Everyone has two primary love languages.
You can use your knowledge of your partner's love languages to plan date nights, big surprises, and everything else in between.
But it's important to know that everyone wants, needs, and deserves to be shown love in all 5 ways in a relationship. Rather than see this as a "honey do" list, see it as a source of inspiration.
What to do with the 5 love languages
What you're going to do with the 5 love languages is brainstorm ideas for dates you would like to go on.
Make a specific list with each of the love language titles written at the top. That way, there's no mystery about which area you're shooting for.
Please use all 5 areas.
Just because they're not "your" love languages doesn't mean you should opt out of them.
Here is some inspiration to go with each of the 5 love languages.
Acts of service dates
These are some inspirational ideas I've picked up from my own life, friends, and clients. The way you perceive an act of service is totally up to you. Some of these, you may think, "well, they should just do that anyway," and I'm not arguing with that point. But, if you roll these into a date night vibe, you could have a much better time.
Go shopping together - it could be at the grocery store, Costco, or the mall. Whatever you want, doing it together and framing it as a date can be fun and romantic. Have fun with it too! Go to an adult shop, or visit the comic book store just because!
Reorganize something - It could be in your home, workplace, or car. Get your sweetie involved and spend some time organizing things together. In the end, you'll both feel accomplished and likely know more about your partner's thought process.
Make breakfast in bed - Either surprise your partner or tell them that you'd love for this to happen. It can be something other than a big, lavish breakfast worthy of Instagram. It could just be a toasted bagel and a cup of coffee. When enjoyed in bed, it feels like a special treat.
Of course, your definition of "service" is up to you. Just write down a few ideas for how you'd like to be shown this love language. Small, big, it doesn't matter. Just things you want!
Physical touch dates
Physical touch does include sex, but it's so much more than that! It's about being affectionate and feeling genuinely intimate with your partner. And the amount of touch you'd like to receive is totally up to you. Some people are averse to touch, and that's totally normal. Just figure out your comfort level and ask what you want.
Holding hands - Holding hands gets a bad rep as middle-school stuff. In reality, it's a small sign of affection and appreciation. So go somewhere or do something and hold hands while it happens! It's a great way to show the world you're together and feel seen for your relationship.
Massages - The classic still holds up. You can go and get a couple's massage or ask your partner to give you one. Either way, you get to relax, unwind, and relieve some stress, all while getting that gorgeous physical touch.
Watch a scary movie - Yup, if you're like me, you need to be snuggled during a scary movie. Turn off the lights, pop the popcorn, and turn down the temperature. Get all snuggled up under a blanket and enjoy the scary flick together in the arms of the person you love.
All of these ways of showing physical touch can, of course, lead to sex as well. But don't get hung up on that. Sometimes just enjoying the feeling of your partner is enough.
Quality time dates
Going on a date is generally considered quality time.
But it's really about incorporating experiential or spiritual intimacy into some of these quality time moments. What that person wants isn't about quantity. It's about the memories and fun you have together.
Go on a picnic - These don't require much planning. Keep a picnic blanket in the car, so you're always ready! You can stop by a local shop and grab some sandwiches or spend an evening making food for your picnic date! While you're out there, enjoy the weather, look for shapes in the clouds, and take pictures. Make it a memorable and fun experience.
Take a class together - I suggest a skill-based or educational course. That way, you're both learning something new together. Think pottery, cooking, silversmithing, whatever you're into! You'll leave the class with unique memories and a fun story to tell at work on Monday.
Spend a day in - This is one of my favorite date ideas. It's an all-day thing. My partner and I go to the local butcher, fish shop, or farmers market and pick out whatever looks good. Something special. Then plan a lavish meal around it. Last week it was homemade steak sandwiches, and they were fabulous. Grab whatever ingredients you need and a bottle of wine if you're into that. Head back to your place and spend an afternoon cooking and prepping the food together. Put on some music, dance around, and have fun with it! Then, enjoy the fruits of your labor together.
Quality is more important than quantity. Do things that you'll enjoy and help you make lasting memories.
Receiving gifts dates
This one may sound challenging, but it's a significant intimacy-building opportunity.
Shopping for your significant other can be really fun and bring you closer together. It isn't about materialism. It's about having something that reminds you of the person you love.
Buy each other outfits - I'd suggest doing this for a date night. Head to the mall or a thrift store together, and have each other's sizes in mind. Grab a complete outfit in which your partner will look absolutely delicious. Think accessories, shoes, the whole shebang (if you can afford it.) Then exchange your outfits and head out on the town!
Go art shopping together - Most cities will be smattered with small, local galleries selling art pieces. Go peruse the collections and see which item reminds you of your partner. Pick one work out for the other person and exchange them!
Just because basket - You don't have to do this together, but it could be a fun idea. Head to the shops and grab all of your sweetie's favorites. Fill up a basket, surprise them with all their delicious favorites, and enjoy them on a date night together! My basket would include milk, cookies, and some savory pastry!
A gift doesn't have to be expensive. It should be full of thought, love, and attention. Listening to what your partner enjoys and presenting them with it unexpectedly could be just the ticket for bringing sex back into your relationship.
Words of affirmation dates
Again, it might sound challenging on the surface, but it can be pretty straightforward. Words of affirmation are just that, things that remind your partner that you love and care for them. So get creative with it!
Head to the bookstore - Is there anything more romantic than a bookstore? In my opinion, not really. Then separate while you go through the aisles. I'd recommend heading for the romance or poetry sections. Find a storyline or a poem that reminds you of your sweetie and exchange them at the end. It can quickly become a framed piece to display in your home.
Head for karaoke - Ah, karaoke, such a fun evening where people often bond through shared embarrassment. Pick a special song for your partner and perform it for them. If you're brave enough, go the extra mile by dedicating the song to them!
Make a video - Create a video for or with your partner. Think like a music video. Include all the reasons you love, appreciate, and cherish your time together. You could record your face, put some pictures into a slide show, or whatever makes you feel connected to them. It's something you can enjoy for years to come.
Words of affirmation are more than just surface-level words. They're things that you love and appreciate about your partner. Things that make them unique and special. They're the reasons why you've chosen this person instead of the other nearly 8 billion people on the planet. Celebrate your love in any loving word-filled way you can.
The step-by-step process
To break down the love language date coaching activity one more time, here's a step-by-step for you:
Go into separate rooms.
Have a piece of paper or a way to type.
Start a list of each of the 5 love languages, and clearly label each list.
Brainstorm as many date ideas as you can.
Put each of those dates into the 5 love language categories.
When you're finished, swap lists with your partner and read through them.
Make 3 lists
A shared list of activities you want to do together that you'd enjoy equally.
One list of your favorite date ideas you'd appreciate the most
A list for your partner of their ideal date nights.
That's it! As someone who loves lists and is constantly dealing with decision fatigue, this makes things easy. You can go above and beyond and put the ideas on small slips of paper and put them in jars. That way, you're never out of ideas for date night!
Love languages and relationship coaching
I talk about love languages a fair amount in relationship coaching. They're not the gold standard but an essential evaluation method. To get what you want from your partner, you have to ask for it. Love languages are a powerful tool to help you ask for what you want from your partner.
Planning dates using the love languages is one of my most commonly used coaching exercises. It helps bring you closer together while also eliminating the hassle of planning date nights last minute.
You can use and reuse your same list for years to come! Or keep adding to it as you're inspired in daily life.
“For love, we will climb mountains, cross seas, traverse desert sands, and endure untold hardships. Without love, mountains become unclimbable, seas uncrossable, deserts unbearable, and hardships our lot in life.”
— Gary Chapman, The Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts
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