Sexless Relationship or Different Desire Types? | The three types of sexual desire and what you need to know
Sexual desire should happen spontaneously and impulsively, right? Wrong. Most people get "sex education" from pornography. We've learned that you should be drop-dead wet as soon as the sexy pizza delivery guy shows up. You should be down to get down. Well, this isn't the case for most of the world. In Emily Nagoski's landmark book, Come as You Are, spontaneous arousal is the exception rather than the rule. There are several types of desire that you need to consider before you start worrying about your libido.
This won't be the definitive guide to discovering your one desire type. But instead, give you permission to be curious about which type you feel like each day.
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Why the types of sexual desire are important
Understanding the three desire types is crucial for understanding your sexual response system.
You're unique, just like each sunrise and each sunset. So your desire type may change from day to day.
But if you're waiting for a burst of sexual lightning to come and strike you down, you may be waiting for a long time.
This is also really important to discuss with your partner(s). You likely have differing desire types. That isn't a bad thing. But it will impact your sexual relationship in one way or another.
I’m going to use the terms “desire” and “arousal” interchangably throughout the article. While they do mean different things, for the purposes of this piece, they’ll be syononyms.
The three types of sexual desire
In Come as You Are, Nagasaki details these sexual desire types in great detail. The three types of sexual desire are:
Spontaneous desire
Responsive desire
Contextual desire
Each of which we’ll discuss in much further detail.
She also discusses the notion of an accelerator or gas pedal and a break.
I prefer to visualize it as a set of scales.
Adding weight to one side of the scale, we'll call it the "sexy-time," leads you towards feeling more aroused. While adding weight on the other turns you off.
You can choose whatever visualization works best for you.
Spontaneous desire
We have to start with the expectation and then move on to reality.
Spontaneous desire happens more frequently to men rather than women.
Spontaneous desire is when you get suddenly aroused at a seemingly random point in your day or through the smallest action.
Spontaneous arousal can lead to hot, impulsive sex. But impulsive sex is the exception rather than the rule.
With spontaneous sex, you likely won't have the time you want or need to make sex as pleasurable as possible. Lacking lube, tissues, or condoms can be a real mood ruiner. So spontaneous desire can be detrimental to your sexual relationship.
If your partner experiences spontaneous desire, and you don't, you have to open that conversation.
Communicating about your needs forms a stronger base for the rest of your sexual relationship.
In our metaphor, it would be like dropping a bag of weights on the sexy-time side of the scale with little to nothing on the other side.
Responsive desire
Responsive desire occurs when you feel, smell, or see something sexual.
It could be from watching a steamy Netflix scene. Or perhaps it could be from your partner kissing you and touching you erotically. Or you smell something that reminds you of a particularly memorable night.
Whatever it is, you get turned on as a response.
This is a common form of arousal for many women because female erections take time, care, and concentration.
Being touched, massaged, and coaxed into feeling sexual is perfectly healthy and normal.
It takes time to get there.
So, if you think you may experience contextual desire, you can visualize it as having weight on your turn-off side of the scale. Your partner is slowly adding more and more weight to the sexy-time side with foreplay. Almost "convincing" you to get turned on.
It isn't a form of manipulation at all. More like adding yeast to warm water and waiting for it to bloom.
Contextual desire
If you're a parent or are easily distracted, you likely fall into this type of sexual desire.
Contextual desire is when you need everything to be just right. Each step you complete moves one weight from the turn-off side to the sexy time side.
Examples of the context you might be looking for are:
Putting on lingerie, lighting candles, taking a long bath, and then you're in the mood.
The kitchen being clean, the kids in bed, and everything ready for the following day.
Your phone is turned off, your to-do list is done, and you're switched off from your job.
Whatever context means to you is critical.
If you can define what arousal feels like and the steps surrounding it, you can recreate this with ease in the future.
Going back to our scales, it would be like all the weights are on the "no sexy time" side to being with. Then they're slowly moved over to the sexy-time side one by one. The more weights get moved, the more pleasure you experience.
This is by far the most common desire type in women. Our brains are wired to multitask and focus on other things. We need our objectives and action items cleared out of the way for us to really move forward in the bedroom.
And there's nothing wrong with that!
It's how your brain is wired.
You can use this to your advantage when planning a big sexy date night. Ensure you have all your ducks in a row to enhance your pleasure experience
How knowing your desire type will improve your relationship
Talking about which type of desire resonates with you can change your sexual relationship.
For example, suppose you're a woman in a heteronormative relationship with a man. In that case, it's far more likely that he experiences spontaneous arousal.
But say you experience contextual desire. You need the whole house to be clean to give yourself permission to relax and enjoy sex.
Well, how is he supposed to figure it out without communicating that to your partner?
Your repeated rejections without explanation can be detrimental over time. He may feel hurt, confused, and even undesirable. To avoid this, just start the conversation.
Why this is important
As I always say, there is nothing sexier than communication.
Open up this conversation with your partner and ask how they usually experience desire. It may change every few days, or it may be stable. It could be a give-and-take of all three, or it could just be one. It's unique to each person and to each day. And that's okay.
When you tell your partner how you experience desire, they can help you recreate that to reignite your sex life together. It may help you with your to-do list as well!
Conclusion
The three arousal types are spontaneous, contextual, and responsive. Whichever type aligns with you and your sexual expression is unique and isn't entirely up to you. Sexual desire and pleasure differ from person to person. Knowing your primary arousal type means that you can express your needs to your partner and get your needs met with ease. This is one of the easiest ways to enhance your sexual connection with your partner.
“The problem isn’t the desire itself, it’s the context. You need more sexually relevant stimuli activating the accelerator and fewer things hitting the brake.”
— Emily Nagoski
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