Why You Aren’t Reaching Your Goals | How to build self-trust
We're well into another year, and the time for resolutions has come and gone. You've disappointed yourself again and fallen far from where you wanted to be. That's a normal part of the process of reaching your goals, but should it be? There is a reason why you never follow through on your resolutions. There's a reason why you keep disappointing yourself. There's a reason why you feel stuck and lost. You need to include the secret ingredient of reaching your goals, self-trust.
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What does “self-trust” mean?
As infants and children, we learn to trust our parents and other caregivers with our well-being. We fall, and they pick us up. We scratch a knee, and they give us a bandage. When others come through for you regularly, it builds trust in them. You trust that they'll be there when they say they will be.
But self-trust is built the exact same way through being there for yourself.
Self-trust is when you know you'll do what you set out to do. When you feel confident setting goals and following through. But when you set goals and fall short of the mark, you lose trust in yourself. Like if you set the objective of going to the gym five days a week, but you only go once or twice.
You both consciously and subconsciously lost faith in your abilities and willingness to do hard things. This is a normal part of life, but it doesn't have to stay that way.
Why is self-trust important?
Imagine you've made plans with a friend to meet for coffee and lunch, and it's on the other side of town.
You spend an hour getting ready and a half hour getting there on time. You sit, and you wait. You text, and you wait. But you never hear back.
Odds are you're going to be disappointed and hurt.
Even if they apologize, you'll be less likely to plan another outing with this friend. They didn't come through for you when you expected them to. You lose trust in that person.
The same thing happens when you don't show up for yourself. You tell yourself you'll take a self-care day, but you do a favor for your family member instead. You tell yourself you'll go to yoga twice a week, but you don't. That's because you've trained your brain that you aren't trustworthy. You're not someone who can be relied upon, just like your friend that stood you up.
When we fall short of our goals and stop doing things for ourselves, we learn we're not worth trusting. Whether you know it or not, you have a solid foundation of mistrust and poor self-confidence.
How can I retrain my brain to trust myself?
Self-trust can be lost, but it is just as simple to regain it.
Like you learned you're not trustworthy over time, you can relearn that you are reliable through small achievements.
You deserve to achieve your goals. You have earned real change in your life. To regain trust in yourself, you must break it down into small, bite-sized pieces.
Here are a few ways you can learn how to trust yourself again:
Set small goals
First and foremost, set reasonable goals.
Little tiny pieces of daily life that you ordinarily accomplish. But start seeing them as goals.
If it helps, write them down in a planner, on a checklist, or use an accountibilibuddy.
Small tasks you can change into goals are:
Taking a shower
Drinking a glass of water
Eating a single piece of fruit
Sending a reply text in a group chat
Start setting small and achievable goals daily. When you successfully cross them off your list, you'll begin rebuilding self-trust.
Set one goal at a time
Sure, if you're anything like me, you're constantly overwhelmed with how many personal goals you have. It also doesn't help that you want to achieve them all simultaneously.
Well, sustained change is created through sustained action.
If you attach multiple goals together, you'll likely come up short on one. Doing this has a domino effect on the others. You'll lose energy and inertia towards them if you pile on too many things at once. You'll also likely suffer from decision fatigue or where to put your energy.
Just pick one thing, like going for a daily walk or eliminating the chaos from your closet piece by piece.
You won't be overwhelmed when you allow yourself to focus on just one type of self-improvement. You'll give that singular goal your full energy and attention, making you more likely to follow through.
Develop a concrete vision
So you've set a goal to, for example, get healthy.
Excellent, what the hell does that mean?
Health, personal fitness, happiness, they're all entirely subjective. That means you must define what success looks and feels like for you in each area.
Once you have a concrete vision of what achieving that goal will look and feel like. Ask that future version of yourself what you did to get to that goal.
Did you join a gym?
Did you try the Mediterranean diet?
What actions brought you to that spot?
Then research all the smallest possible changes you can start making to live as that future best version of yourself.
Use affirmations
Yes, every self-care book and article talks about affirmations.
That's because they work.
Choose an affirmation that resonates with you. It could be one for several days or months or shift slightly from time to time. But set a single affirmation of "I trust myself" and say it to yourself daily. In the mirror, in a journal, whatever works for you. Just say the words and focus on them. Give them your full intent and personal power. Let those words become your personal anthem. Then, follow through.
Invest in self-care
Self-care is a critical cornerstone of self-trust. You define self-care for yourself, but it often takes an investment of time, money, or energy.
Odds are it's a bit of all three.
Pull out your calendar and choose a day to mark off for yourself. An entire day of just you focusing on you.
It can be whatever you want, going somewhere, eating something, or doing nothing. Whatever it is, mark it off as a sacred space and time for just yourself.
Then, fucking do it.
You'll get more significant dopamine, serotonin, and oxytocin bursts when you set treats like this for yourself. You're bonding with yourself all over again through small and big acts of self-love and appreciation.
How self-trust impacts your relationships
If you don't trust yourself, other people are likely struggling to do the same thing with you.
Most of us choose to verbalize our goals to others. It can be a powerful form of mantra or affirmation.
But you lose faith in yourself each time you don't take a step towards your goal. Sleep in rather than walk, smoke rather than meditate, and watch Netflix rather than go to the gym. Each step backwards is a bit of trust lost.
This is true in friendships, family connections, and romantic relationships.
If you're in a healthy romantic relationship, your partner will invest in your health, wellness, and identity. They want to see you succeed. So help them feel you're reliable by showing that you're trustworthy and investing in your sense of self-trust.
Conclusion
It's easy to feel burnt out in modern society.
That's okay.
Just don't burn yourself out.
Take the time you need daily to retrain your brain to regain your sense of self-trust. The most minor actions create the biggest reactions. So rebuild your self-trust and confidence and be the success.
“Self-trust is the essence of heroism.”
— Ralph Waldo Emerson
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