7 Signs Someone is Emotionally Unavailable - What it means, how to spot it, and how to choose better men
Have you ever gotten into a situationship by accident? The man you went out with in the first place said he was looking for a relationship, but then he back-pedaled? He seems to want all the benefits of having a girlfriend but isn't willing to commit. These actions define emotional unavailability.
Emotionally unavailable men are plentiful everywhere these days. Disconnecting from the world and getting lost in your social media platforms is easier than ever. With an endless selection of partners on dating apps, it's easy to avoid being vulnerable.
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What does it mean to be emotionally unavailable?
"Emotionally unavailable" is a challenging term.
Especially if you're emotionally available.
It's when someone finds receiving love and other deep emotions challenging. He can't understand others' feelings because he doesn't ultimately understand his own.
Therefore, he rejects all attempts to develop intimacy as a means of self-protection.
An emotionally unavailable man struggles to communicate.
He tiptoes around his or your emotional boundaries.
He likely gives off signs that he might be ready for a relationship.
Still, you're constantly left questioning what the hell is going on.
These guarded men are afraid of showing their authentic selves.
He likely comes across as hard to read, flaky, or unreliable.
But what makes someone emotionally unavailable?
At the root is a fear of intimacy.
Why is he emotionally unavailable?
Of course, there is no clear-cut answer as to why anyone is emotionally unavailable. Every person is unique, and so are their responses to the world around them.
But, the most common cause of emotional availability is some core wound or trauma. These deep seeded wounds could be fresh or span this guy's entire life. But how are you supposed to know if he won't open up?
Some common root causes of trauma that leads to later emotional unavailability are:
Being raised in a hyper-masculine environment where emotions were shamed or not tolerated.
Lack of attunement with primary caregivers - meaning his needs were shamed or seen as less important than others. Therefore he learned that sharing or asking for things could lead to negative consequences.
Abuse of any kind within a household, a relationship, or even when they were at school. For example, if he was bullied for being less than hyper-masculine. He may have learned that emotions lead to pain.
Heartbreak or rejection from a previous relationship or partner. You likely know how badly having your heartbroken feels. He, too, may carry wounds from old relationships.
Major life events such as moving, the loss of a loved one, or the loss of a relationship.
Neglect of his needs such as in childhood or other people in his life.
All of these potential causes of emotional unavailability share a common thread. He was shown or taught that his feelings were unimportant.
Many men grow up ashamed of crying, fear, or any interest that isn't sports. When you're rejected at a vulnerable place in your life, it can be challenging to recover from.
Many men find it challenging to seek professional help to cope with these core wounds. Without proper support, he may remain emotionally unavailable for the rest of his life.
That doesn't mean there isn't hope for him. But, as a potential partner, healing him isn't your responsibility. He has to take charge of his feelings and needs and seek the help he deserves.
Emotionally unavailable signs
You likely have seen many of the signs of an emotionally unavailable man. These signs are common and may take a few dates (or booty calls) to figure out for yourself.
While these shouldn't be considered red flags, they should give you pause when you're evaluating a guy.
He's afraid of commitment
Fear of commitment may sound like a no-brainer to someone who has dealt with an emotionally unavailable man. But, it also means he's afraid of commitment in other aspects of his life, not just romantic relationships.
He may be apprehensive about signing up for sports teams or long-term programs.
He may fear signing a long-term lease and choose a shared house instead, even well into his 30s.
This fear of commitment likely stems from a fear of being uprooted and experiencing radical change. Being apprehensive about big decisions is expected. But if he can't commit to the more minor things, he likely won't be willing to commit to you.
He also likely has a long past of short-term or no relationships. That shows that he is entirely unaware of his own emotional and intimacy issues. It isn't something you can fix.
He gets overwhelmed when others show emotions
Maybe it's you being upset after a bad day. Perhaps he finds your deep relationships with your friends strange and alien.
This fear of connection comes from not knowing how to show or deal with his emotions. By avoiding his feelings, he can stave off feeling uncomfortable.
Suppose he gets freaked out by you getting angry or having a cry during your period. In that case, he's likely not emotionally available.
He avoids "deep" conversations
Deep conversations are a critical component of fostering intimacy. But for someone afraid of intimacy, letting anyone close may create a sense of panic.
What you may consider a run-of-the-mill conversation topic he may find an invasion of his privacy.
Some examples may include:
Discussion of family dynamics
Talking about your feelings or emotions or even triggers
Sharing trigger points created by past trauma
Talking about childhood experiences
Discussing anything more than a few days in the future
His fear of deep conversations will stunt his growth for the rest of his life. He needs to try to uncover the sources of his triggers and trauma, so he can heal. But it also likely means you'll never get past the situationship stage with him.
Red-hot to ice-cold in a flash
Being emotionally unavailable doesn't lend itself well to stability. That goes for emotional and romantic stability as well.
He may seem all in at first but immediately pull back.
You might have the most fantastic date together, but then he doesn't call you until fuck-boy-o'clock.
This hot and cold thing shows that he may want to develop a connection, but his fear ultimately takes over.
For you, it's a feeling of constant instability that can be really hurtful in the end. You don't deserve to be jerked around.
He's always unavailable
Well, duh.
But also, there may be more to it.
Maybe you're having a full-blown text conversation, then he ghosts for days or hours at a time.
He may always say he's busy on the weekends because "bros before hoes." You're never a priority. He spends his time precisely as he chooses with no room for compromise.
Not only does this show that you're not a priority now, but it indicates you likely will never be.
You deserve someone who understands that you must make time for the important people and things in life. Suppose he is putting this type of physical distance between you two. In that case, he's showing that you will not soon breach his emotionally protective walls.
He's disrespectful of your time
Having to cancel a date once in a while is totally forgivable and understandable.
After all, life happens.
But when he consistently cancels at the last minute, doesn't show, or is always late, he's trying to keep you at arm's length.
Demonstrating that your time isn't important to him with these actions prevents you from having quality time together. Thus, it protects him from getting deeper with you and developing a connection.
He sucks at communicating
Communication is the bedrock of all relationships.
You need to talk to someone and show who you are to develop any type of connection. That goes without saying.
But, he's afraid of having deep talks or giving you much of his time, he's sabotaging your potential relationship.
Maybe he gets super defensive whenever you ask about his way of doing things. He may perceive you as too intense and clingy for doing totally reasonable things.
He may constantly respond defensively, creating more space in the emotional canyon between you two.
Do you always attract emotionally unavailable men?
Emotionally unavailable men are a dime a dozen these days. Every other date you're going on may feel like the guy is emotionally unavailable.
But is that a fault in the men of the world as a whole?
Or is it because you attract and invite emotionally unavailable men into your life?
If this article has sounded like every guy you've dated recently, you may be the actual problem here. There are a few reasons why you're attracted to emotionally unavailable men.
You're used to emotionally unavailable people
Maybe each one reminds you of your ex, or there's some aspect of him that reminds you of your mother. That may be because those foundational relationships normalized unavailability emotionally to you.
You're likely choosing emotionally unavailable men (consciously or subconsciously) because they feel familiar. When someone seems familiar, they tend to feel safer. You know how to deal with their issues and reactions and continue to tolerate them.
You probably learned the dynamic of an emotionally unavailable relationship at an earlier stage of life. Therefore, you're trying to "fix" that initial exposure.
Just keep questioning yourself whenever you choose a new partner. If you're trying to fix something or someone from your past, you may be the toxic person in the relationship.
You're a natural caretaker
Maybe you've always been that way. You likely act as a caregiver to your family and/or friends. Therefore, you are used to having to essentially fix everyone around you.
When you're raised as a caretaker, that is something that permeates every aspect of your life.
You feel responsible for someone else's happiness because you learned that your value is based on what you can give away.
You're worth more than that.
You're amazing for who you are and who you will become.
Your value isn't dependent on what you bring to others. It's the vibe you bring to the world.
You're also emotionally unavailable
You may be attracted to emotionally unavailable men because you are emotionally unavailable. You may think that you're ready for an intimate connection and to build a lasting relationship. But, in reality, you're making clear choices that demonstrate how not emotionally available you are.
You may struggle to show your emotions, thoughts, or even your true colors with other people. Likely because you have been hurt or rejected for trying to be your authentic self. This fear of rejection is common and something you can get past and get over. It just takes time and energy.
The solution to emotional unavailability
The solution is pretty simple and doesn't even take that long to accomplish.
Do you want to stop choosing emotionally unavailable men?
Heal yourself first.
You're perpetuating the cycle if you're eagerly pursuing a relationship but aren't living or acting as your best self. You will keep attracting these harmful scumbags into your life. You're not seeing your own worth, and thus you're choosing someone who doesn't deserve you.
Honey, you deserve the best there is.
You deserve someone who listens to you, validates your needs, and brings McDonald's nuggets in bed when you have a hangover.
But for you to get to that level of vulnerability with a partner, you have to be vulnerable with yourself first.
Learning how to do this is a challenge. That's why there are dating and relationship coaches like me.
In coaching, you get to work using a goal-oriented approach. You'll have the time and pace to navigate things like:
What does your best self look like?
How can I start attracting healthy relationships?
How do I find the love of my life?
These are big questions you don't have to answer alone. Take this life hack and work with a world-renowned dating expert like me today because you deserve to love and be loved for who you are.
“No matter how qualified or deserving we are, we will never reach a better life until we can imagine it for ourselves and allow ourselves to have it.”
— Richard Bach
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